Husband Reveals 6 Unrealistic Expectations He Had When He Came Out To His Wife Of 13 Years
What do you do when your husband is gay?
Oksana Fedorchuk | Canva When a spouse comes out, things hit the fan. Yet, does that give the jilted spouse a license to be unrealistic?
I realize I'm about to stir up some controversy. No, it's not pretty when a spouse has lived a dual life and then comes out of the closet. Nor is it any more honest, when a spouse says, "I've found someone else." Orientation doesn't have that much to do with why a relationship goes awry, yet it creates much more controversy than a relationship torn apart by infidelity or irreconcilable differences.
Having been one of those that took the route of, "Let's see if being heterosexual will heal the gay away," I realize now it sucks to be that kind of person. In turn, it sucks to be the spouse of someone who finally says, "This sucks — and I'm gay!"
Not unlike death, spouses go through stages of grief. Go check it out—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Without being flippant, the person who shared their truth also went through these same stages.
Yet, here's where it gets messy and where the two journeys out of the closet collide.
Like it or not, both parties start to lay unrealistic expectations on one another.
Husband reveals 6 unrealistic expectations they both had when he came out to his wife of 13 years:
1. They wouldn't (or shouldn't) tell anyone.
Really? So, we've been in a relationship for "X" years, and now we’re going to separate, and we're going to brush this little tidbit of truth under the rug.
Hmmm? How does that work when suddenly, the "gay" spouse gets asked, "Are you going to get remarried?" Uh, yeah, except I can't in certain states.
Regardless of how logical it may seem to "don’t ask, don't tell," often it's in the best interest of both parties to be honest with their inner circles so that the healing can progress. If not, it's just another lie, upon another lie upon another lie. I'm curious, how does that usually play out in the movies?
2. Their town wouldn't accept or understand.
Often, the society, hometown, or city, of the couple who've come to the crossroads of "coming out of the closet," may seem like everyone in town will know their dirty little secret.
Really? Unless it's a town of "X" and you're known throughout the community as your own celebrity, the chances of someone finding out your spouse is gay, is pretty slim. Even if they do, what would lead to that assumption?
A dinner out with someone of the same gender? Attending a local concert with someone of the same gender? Hello, don't people of the same gender go to social events and outings together?
Pexels / August de Richelieu
This type of paranoia comes mostly from fear of what people will think of the spouse who "married someone who was gay." In reality, dear sweet spouse who just got dumped on, "YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!" It hurts, and it sucks, but it wasn't because you didn't read, Don't Marry A Gay For Dummies!
3. That they shouldn't tell their kids the truth.
Talk about perpetuating the pattern. It's hard enough for kids to go through a divorce.
It's even harder for kids to find out years later that both good old Mom and Dad have been lying to them for years about the real reason they got a divorce. Hello, "trust, honesty, and integrity" are on the line, and then you’re going to tell your teen that they can't "lie to you!"
4. Assuming they got everything they wanted out of your marriage.
Really? If you're the spouse who's finally coming out of the closet to live your truth, watch your mouth!
Granted, you may have given your spouse a good life, children, a nice home, fabulous trips, and security, but all that was just a mask to pretend to be something you weren't.
No harm, no foul, just be careful throwing this sort of stuff at them as bargaining chips. When they walked down that aisle, they didn't bargain for, "Until death do us part or you come out of the closet!"
5. That you might still be able to make the marriage work.
As well-intentioned as that may seem, and some do make it work, how do you live, sleep with, or maintain a "healthy" relationship with someone who is coming home to you and getting their rocks off with someone of the same gender on a regular basis?
Not saying it doesn’t work. For some it does. I'm only suggesting, what are each of you losing by being in a relationship of convenience? Granted, it’s not just "I'm gay and you're not" relationships that get by for convenience," but does it really work in the long run?
6. That they'd be willing to open up the relationship.
This could work. Kind of like an open relationship, depending on the energy between a couple.
However, more times than not, the constant, "Where is he/she?" becomes too much of a burden to bear, and before you know it, emotional pain overtakes logical thought, and one or both parties get hurt.
Often, the exploration does lead to the realization that "Yep, I’m gay," and then what? "You're both still facing the inevitable doorway, of "Okay, we're done, so screw you and get out of my life."
Like most professionals who serve individuals in this field of "coming out," divorce, and "OMG you just screwed up my life," there is no easy answer.
However, when unrealistic expectations start to become the standard protocol, no good for anyone will come from it. One or both parties will get hurt in some way, even if one party sees the other as going off to live their "happy, happy, joy, joy life with someone of the same gender."
In the words of one of my wise teachers, Bruce D. Schneider, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional!"
How about, during these times of deconstructing relationships, we find a way to make suffering non-existent?
Rick Clemons is a certified professional coach, speaker, author, and podcaster who inspires corporations, entrepreneurs, college and university students, and individuals to make their bold moves. His semi-autobiographical book, Frankly My Dear, I'm Gay is now available.