Husband Asks If He's Wrong To Cash In The 'Hall Pass' His Wife Gave Him 5 Years Ago When She Cheated
Isn't this marriage already over, though?
nd3000 | Getty Images | Canva Pro Many couples these days are loosening up on old mores pertaining to fidelity and monogamy, but that doesn't mean the new ways of doing things don't get messy.
Take, for instance, the concept of "hall passes." What are the parameters? Do they come with a statute of limitations? A deadline? Such is the quandary a man on Reddit is in with his wife now that he's met someone new, and it's caused quite the debate both online and in his relationships.
The husband wonders if five years is too late to cash in his hall pass after meeting another woman.
In case you're not in the know, a "hall pass" is a term of art for an agreement between spouses that one of them can stray and be with someone else — you know, like you used to ask for a "hall pass" in high school to go roam the halls instead of doing your chemistry lesson or whatever.
Usually, it's about the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be with a celebrity. But sometimes, it's about an actual, real-life affair, as was the case with this Redditor and his wife.
The husband wrote that he and his wife have been married for 10 years and have two kids, 9 and 7. "Five years ago, I found out that my wife had an affair. I felt crushed and numb because I loved my wife a lot," he wrote.
Five years ago, his wife gave him a 'hall pass' to make up for the fact that she had an affair.
Her affair partner told him about it after she broke things off, and things erupted. "When I confronted my wife about it, she was very remorseful and didn’t deny anything," he said. "She said she’d do anything, follow any reconciliation steps I asked, and just begged to not break up our family."
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His initial reaction was to divorce her, but after taking time to think about it, he changed his mind because he, too, didn't want to break up the family, and he still loved his wife.
His wife was so relieved, "she even told me I had a hall pass I could use whenever I wanted," he wrote. They got into therapy, got sober, began working on their relationship, and moved forward. Until now, that is.
The husband confessed he met another woman and was ready to cash in his hall pass.
Though they made progress in putting their marriage back together, the man said that while he'd forgiven, he had never forgotten. And now, his "friendship" with a woman named Melissa, whom he met at a bookstore, has expanded into something more.
They have tons in common, from their taste in books to their love of philosophy. "I don’t know how, but when we met, we just clicked." Their bookstore meet-ups quickly turned to coffee dates and brunches, and now, things have progressed even further.
"Melissa has made it up-front that she has very strong feelings for me and that she’s never had these feelings for anyone else ever in her life," he wrote. "I, too, have a lot of feelings for her, but I feel guilty about it, so I haven’t told her about them yet."
He said he hasn't "crossed any physical boundaries," but he wants to. "I do want to explore more of an emotional connection to her because I’ve never felt like this."
So now, in addition to Melissa, he can't stop thinking about that good ol' hall pass. "Would I be [wrong] to use that hall pass to explore the emotional connection I have with Melissa?" he wondered.
Moral considerations aside, it seems like there's an elephant in the room: Isn't this marriage already over?
People on Reddit were pretty blunt with the man about what he was actually asking. "A hall pass is for a one-night stand with someone you’re attracted to," one commenter wrote. "A hall pass is NOT to deepen an emotional connection you have with someone by adding sex into the mix." Good point.
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In essence, it boils down to one hard question: Isn't this marriage already over? He said himself he's not really over his wife's affair, and he's fallen for someone else. The commenters are right: This isn't a "hall pass" situation.
While open relationships are certainly a valid arrangement that works for many people, the fact remains: The impetus for this guy falling for another woman is at least partly the fact that he can't get past his wife's infidelity.
Legendary couples therapist Esther Perel told us in 2023 that she thinks things like polyamory and open marriages are the wave of the future. But they can only work if they're entered into out of "hope and commitment … not disillusionment."
Opening a relationship because of resentment is pretty much the opposite of that.
That doesn't mean this couple can't find their way through their issues to a more open arrangement that could work. But a conversation about redeeming a hall pass is not the conversation they need to be having. The elephant in the room is.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.