How I Got Malicious Revenge On A One-Night-Stand That Screwed Me Over
Payback is a bitch.
Photographee.eu / Shutterstock Whenever I tell this sex story about a one-night stand, women usually praise me for being a hero while the men tend to accuse me of being the most despicable human on earth.
I will let you judge for yourself.
One hot summer night in Chicago, I was out with friends celebrating my newly "single" status when I found myself tipsy and on the prowl for anyone that would get on top of me.
There he was, standing confidently in the middle of the bar, with a body straight out of a magazine and a smile that caught my eye within seconds.
We locked eyes and I knew my freak mission was soon going to be ON.
We had about ten minutes of small talk, which was long enough for me to explain that I was just in town from NYC visiting friends and he was also visiting friends from Alabama.
None of that mattered because before I knew it we were nestled in a doorway just outside the bar feverishly making out with hands up shirts and down pants.
It was hot.
Wildly inappropriate but still very hot. I was so engulfed at this moment, I vaguely remember my friends walking by and saying, "Ashley, we're leaving. Some of us have to work tomorrow. Are you going to be OK?"
I threw the OK sign to my friends and waved them along.
I asked this man if he wanted to go for a walk to the beach, and of course, he agreed.
We held hands and stopped every 15 seconds to grab the other's body parts and shove our tongues down each other's throats. I knew all this groping and saliva-swapping was just the beginning of what was going to be the crazy sexcapade I was looking for...
As hot as it all was, it's always the idea of having sex on the beach that's hot.
But that's rarely how it actually turns out. I could feel the sand creeping into every nook and cranny in my nether region, digging into my skull and even ending up in my mouth.
After about twenty minutes of rolling around mating like zoo animals, we had completed the deed.
He put his button-down shirt around me and we sat there looking at the water talking about God only knows what.
And that's when it happened.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a group of five or six girls came skipping down the beach, giggling and squealing while tearing off their clothes and darting into the water for a skinny dip.
We both stared at them, but he was obviously far more interested.
He was nearly panting like a dog and I could see him restraining himself from getting up and running toward them.
Being newly single and trying to be the cool one-night stand chick, I said very casually, "Dude, if you want to go frolic with them, I don't mind. I totally get it."
What I wasn't expecting was for him to immediately snap his head around and say, "Are you sure you won't mind?"
Shocked, I responded, "No it's cool. I'll just ... wait here?"
By the time I got to the "wait here" part, he was already in the water.
So there I sat: naked, used, and completely confused. How could he do that? He just had sex with me!
We just bonded and now here I was in his shirt, totally alone, while he played with some other girl's boobs right in front of me.
I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized I needed to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. What was I going to do? Wait there for him? Oh, hell no!
I threw on my clothes as fast as possible and carried my heels as I started running up the beach to the street to get back to my friend's house.
Suddenly, it hit me. He couldn't just get away with this. I wasn't expecting a marriage proposal, but I was at least expecting a walk home. Screw this dude.
I turned around and scurried back to the place I had just been shamed. All his clothes were there.
Without even thinking twice, I gathered up all his clothes, shoes, and everything he left in a pile, and I ran back up the beach.
As I walked home to my friend's, I pridefully tossed each item of clothing over four different and very tall fences into random people's yards.
Still covered in sand but satisfied with my revenge, I climbed into bed with my friend and fell fast asleep.
It wasn't until the next morning when I was explaining to my friend why her bed had turned into a beach, that I realized his cell phone, wallet, and everything he had on him were in the pocket of his jeans.
We both looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, and all I could imagine was him standing naked on Lake Shore Drive, covering his bits, trying to wave down a cab with no money and perhaps even no address.
Whoops!
I still have no idea what happened to that man.
This was all before smartphones, otherwise, I'm sure a photo of a naked dude hailing a cab would've ended up somewhere on social media.
All I can (sort of) hope is that one of the skinny-dipping gals took him under her wing.
So, the moral of the story is, guys, don't be a jerk, even if it's a one-night stand.
And ladies, don't give guys permission to be a jerk because chances are, they'll take it.
Ashley Osmond is a freelance writer who writes about her history of motherhood and relationships and is a frequent contributor to SheSaid.