How I Forgave My Alcoholic Husband After He Nearly Killed Our Child
My husband didn't do it, the alcoholism did.
halfpoint | Canva I remember it so very, very vividly.
I was cleaning in the top bedroom and my 3-year-old son was playing in his bedroom. I glanced out of the window and noticed my husband, who was obviously drunk, weaving his way down our back path to the garage.
In a moment of pure terror, I also realized that my son was no longer safely playing close by but had clearly tracked down his father and was now holding his hand as they both headed toward the car.
Heart pounding, as I realized what was about to happen, I hurtled down three flights of stairs and a fairly long garden path to arrive just too late to stop what was now in motion.
My drunk husband was at the wheel of our car and our beloved 3-year-old son was in the car with him.
I have certainly had some awful moments living with a drinker but this one was one of the very worst. I felt so impotent, so angry, so very afraid.
Forgiving him as a partner was a problem on a very regular basis but forgiving him as a mother now felt almost insurmountable. How could he be so irresponsible with the life of his child?
According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, about 11,000 people die every year due to drunk driving. My child could have been one of those numbers.
I felt white hot with rage but also bewildered. The evidence pointed in one direction only; that my husband loved himself deeper than he loved his child.
Alcohol isn’t of course the only culprit, but I believe that watching a partner regularly hurt, insult, dismiss, or intimidate a beloved child is one of the most painful things to endure and one of the hardest things to forgive.
It is a deep and crippling blow to the security of any relationship and utterly toxic to love, trust, and respect.
However, of course, when you live with an alcoholic the truth is nowhere near so straightforward. This was no drunken stranger I could hate and dismiss.
This was a man who 32 hours later, hungover and painfully back in reality was utterly stricken, completely appalled, almost visibly shaking with concern who didn’t love himself more than our son but hated himself completely.
Somewhere inside of me I was also dimly beginning to notice that when I pleaded with him to stop drinking, because he loved me and it was ruining our relationship, the fact that he didn’t was not a sign of his disregard.
(Oh that it had been that simple. I could have gone without a backward glance.) I learned that my husband drank even though he loved me.
He drank even though he then became a lousy husband, father, and provider. He drank because he didn’t want to stop and then drank because the person he became made him feel so ashamed.
Perversely, one could say, for the very reason he loved me and his children, staring his failures in the face daily made the bottom of a Vodka bottle seem his most reliable refuge.
I will stop my analysis here, for I have someone who can explain this much better than I can for he has lived it, breathed it and finally come to grips with it all.
In my last journal entry, I talked about anger, the congruent reasons for our reactions, and ways to process the turbulent rollercoaster of living with a problem drinker.
However, some of our assumptions, some of the conclusions we draw that can stoke our fury, are much more complex much less personal than they first appear.
If you are living with a problem drinker it may not be true, but likely is, that he/she loves both you and your children very much.
If your drunk was callous, uncaring, and utterly selfish (unless you are stuck in a cycle of abusive relationships which is outside our remit here) then you likely would have left him years ago.
And if you feel you love your alcoholic partner too much please don’t get too mad with yourself. You probably love him slightly too much, to try to compensate for the fact that you know, deep inside that he probably doesn’t love himself at all.
That may not always be helpful, but it is both commendable and understandable. And that same love will be the thing that is the key to it all; learning to love yourself again every bit as much as you attempt (on a good day!!!!) to love your drinker because you have truly done amazingly and deserve it completely.
And taking that same will to love, and learning what loving a drinker in a healthy, productive way involves. It will mean stopping some things and starting some others. it will also mean continuing to do some of the stuff you have already figured out how to do incredibly well!
Taking a deep breath and a step back can help contain and process the deep emotions stirred up by an alcoholic’s behavior. There is much that is truly unavoidable so taking time to sift out true assessments from simplistic assumptions makes absolute sense.
Thankfully it is Johns’ job to bring expertise and experience to the table. Mine is more to set the scene and explain the conflicts, confusions, and complexities that are part of living around addiction.
It all feels so intensely personal at the time, what he is doing to you and the family; and it may feel crazy and insulting to suggest otherwise.
The deepest and most core truth of an alcoholic is primarily that he is doing this to himself because of what lies within himself.
In my case, it certainly cannot take the wounds away but has made them much less sore and bleeding. Maybe it will help yours too.
Drug and alcohol addiction is incredibly common.
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) reports that approximately 20.3 million people above the age of 12 have suffered from a substance use disorder in the past year. According to SAMHSA’s 2018 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, close to 2 million people of the same age bracket have suffered from opioid use disorders and 14.8 million from alcohol use disorders.
If you or someone you know is suffering from addiction, there are resources to get help.
The process of recovery is not linear, but the first step to getting better is asking for help. For more information, referrals to local treatment facilities and support groups, and relevant links, visit SAMHSA’s website. If you’d like to join a recovery support group, you can locate the nearest Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous meetings near you. Or you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-799-7233, which is a free 24/7 confidential information service in both English and Spanish. For TTY, or if you’re unable to speak safely, call 1-800-487-4889.
John McMahon has a PhD in Psychology and was a senior lecturer on alcohol and drug studies.
Lou Lewis is a Counselor and author of the book No Easy Answers.