People Who Struggle To Socially Connect With Others Often Subconsciously Do These 6 Things
How well-intentioned adults who struggle with abandonment issues end up sabotaging their own social life.
Liza Summer | Canva Abandonment is responsible for all the stories you have about being abandoned or rejected, and there are hundreds if not thousands of stories the abandonment dwarf will tell you about yourself. Abandonment is just trying to keep you safe from heartbreak. It thinks that if you keep your heart closed, nobody will be able to abandon or reject you.
The problem is that abandonment is wrong: A closed heart is a broken heart. The only way to stay safe from heartbreak is to open your heart all the way. If you're willing to take in the lesson of heartbreak, you'll learn how to open your heart wider and better socially connect with others.
People who struggle to socially connect with others often subconsciously do these six things:
1. They instantly look for flaws when they meet someone gerat
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When you find someone who might be a good partner, you start looking for their faults. You look for what's wrong instead of what's right. Nobody ever breaks up with you because you don't give them a chance. You're always the one to leave.
2. They are hard to get to know because they rarely open up
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You're hard to get to know because you don't trust people. You're afraid that if you let someone in, you'll be hurt. So you end up lonely instead.
Life coach Alex Mathers suggested shifting this closed-off mindset and instead, stop trying to "fix" any social anxiety habits and quirks. "All you need is a purpose, a desire to improve yourself, and a desire to succeed. If you’re trying to fix your terrible, debilitating mental issue, you are only reinforcing your problem. If, on the other hand, you are driven to succeed, to grow, to become self-confident, and to improve the lives of those who matter to you, you are a healthy human, as opposed to thinking of yourself as a loser or an oddball."
3. They have chameleon tendencies because they don't know who they really are
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You're always in a relationship because you don't know who to be as an individual. You're in love with the idea of love but find it difficult to execute. You can't do enough for your partner, and you're a giver. You don't understand why a partner doesn't appreciate you.
4. They love the chase, but lose interest after the catch
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You're attracted to someone when you're trying to catch them, but once you're in the relationship you get bored. You withdraw emotionally, and your partner starts to think they've done something wrong. This is a common expression of abandonment issues in men.
Loving the chase too much is often linked to the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This response is particularly heightened during the uncertain early stages of a relationship's pursuit, making the act of chasing itself feel exciting and addictive.
A 2022 study published in the Personality and Individual Differences Journal found that this response can stem from factors like attachment styles, low self-esteem, and a desire for validation, leading individuals to prioritize the thrill of the chase over genuine connection in a relationship.
5. They have perfectionistic tendencies
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If only you get it right, you won't be rejected. Whether "it" is a work project, the way your home looks, how you dress, or what your body looks like, perfectionism is a thief.
It steals your happiness under the guise of preventing rejection. Author and life coach Ellen Nyland addressed how a person's perfectionist tendencies often negatively impact their life.
"Perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of flawlessness and the setting of unattainably high standards, often accompanied by self-criticism and fear of failure," Nylan explained. "Being a perfectionist can negatively affect you in numerous ways, including increased stress and anxiety, procrastination, low self-esteem, relationship difficulties, and burnout.
If any of these resonate with you, the first step is to be gentle with yourself. Abandonment will start whispering in your ear that you don't deserve anything better and that you don't deserve to be loved. That is a lie, intended to keep you small.
All of us have at least one or two of these dynamics running in our lives. The most universal is the perfectionism one.
Even if you don't think of yourself as a perfectionist, try to notice where perfectionist tendencies show up in your life. Maybe you've driven at work, and maybe you're obsessive about your body. Both have perfectionist tendencies.
6. They excessively use social media
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Increased technology use, social media, and telecommuting may keep us in constant digital contact, but excess internet use might also degrade our ability to connect meaningfully. People often connect with others through shared interests, activities, or goals.
The Internet and social media can help facilitate these connections in some ways. Still, research published in the Journal of Internet Inventions found that excess online time may sometimes make forming genuine, consequential relationships more challenging.
Johanna Lyman is a culture and leadership development expert. She is the Principal Consultant and Practice Leader for Culture and Inclusion at Kadabra.