The 'Healthy' Habit That Tends To Cause Divorce, Reveals Marriage Educator
Steer clear of this guaranteed path to divorce.
bernardbodo | Canva When we first get married, we often are still in the passionate, infatuation love stage. Later on — whether it be months or years — we find out we don't always see eye-to-eye with our partner. We forget this is normal. The happiest married couples often have at least ten areas of "disagreement" or incompatibility.
The 'healthy' habit that tends to cause divorce is avoiding conflict — and here's why:
1. It means you can't communicate properly
The happiest married couples are successful in their marriage because somewhere along the way, they have been able to communicate openly about touchy or disagreeable topics, and they have been able to decide to disagree, according to research in the Handbook of Family Communication.
They also choose not to let these disagreements leech into other aspects of their relationship. Success in any relationship, then, means we learn how we can respect the difference of opinion — and choose to love and carry on in the relationship anyway.
2. It means you can't find neutral ground
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One of the most cited and proven ways to confront conflict is on neutral ground. This could mean a couple of different things. For example, as an issue arises, choose a point shortly to discuss it.
Maybe set it up like this: "Honey, on Saturday after we've both fit our workouts in and we've eaten lunch as a family, while Junior is playing ball outside, can we sit on the back steps and talk about that issue we have?"
Here, you identify there is a problem that needs to be discussed, and you are choosing to discuss it when your stress levels are low. You can handle the situation more rationally than emotionally.
You might also choose to set a regular time to discuss personal matters, family crises, financial issues, jobs, etc. The point is to have a safe time and place where you both know in advance you can bring up any topics.
3. It means you're not open-minded
Having neutral ground in your approach will allow both partners to come to the table open-handed and, hopefully, open-minded. The Journal of Family Psychology published a cross-cultural examination of the relationship between marital communication behavior to marital satisfaction that helps show the best way to keep your marriage or relationship healthy is to address issues before they become problems, fights, or major issues.
You may be wondering, OK, so I need to identify potential situations that may escalate before they happen. Well, if you are listening to your self-talk and have a feeling your partner may disagree or become upset, that's an indicator not to bring the topic up in the heat of the moment as soon as they walk into the room.
Avoiding conflict in a relationship is a guaranteed path to divorce, as shown by a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family. Sensitivity to anger and heated emotions can cause us to avoid any conflict as a method of self-protection. Yet, when conflicts are avoided, they are never resolved and resentment builds. Take a breath, think about your plan to face the conflict, and be open to talking things through until the issue is resolved.
Lyndsay Katauskas is a personal coach and marriage educator who specializes in relationships, divorce, grief, and trauma.