How To Heal Your Heart After You've Been Left
Five steps to remind yourself that losing someone doesn’t mean you aren’t lovable.
Anthony Tran | Unsplash, Tamara Velazquez | Canva When love ends, it can leave you devastated. The magic of love permeates every cell of your body, heart, soul, and brain. Thoughts of your lover can consume every waking moment and even take over your dreams.
When love ends, you feel like you have nothing. But you have something. You have you, and you have love.
Here's how to heal your heart after you've been left.
1. Realize you're not alone.
Can you think of one person who has never had their heart broken? Okay, maybe you have a couple of friends who are high school sweethearts who are still goo-goo over each other. The agonizing pain you feel in your chest is worse than the bike crash you had when you were 10.
That pain was over in a couple of weeks, but this torment was much different. It’s a different kind of pain that everyone can relate to. It’s not just you, and nothing is wrong with you. Just because you feel the pain of losing someone doesn’t mean you aren’t lovable. You may always have a soft spot in your heart for the man you loved, and don’t beat yourself up about it. Love is infinite, and there is plenty in the universe.
Understand, that you weren’t in the right place and time to be together, but great love is waiting for you. You have to get yourself ready for it.
Photo: Guillem de Balanzo via Shutterstock
2. Don’t run from the pain.
I know that you might want to hide under the covers after this and stuff down any of the pain and pretend it isn’t there. Sure, the junk drawer in the kitchen might need some cleaning out, but it can wait. You are trying to distract yourself and not letting the feelings process.
You must grieve and get through the pain to move on. It will be excruciating to go through it, but it needs to happen so these feelings don’t get stuck. Cry, sleep, vent with your friends, and get a coach or a counselor so you can let it all out. You may have been taught that big girls don’t cry, but if they don’t, they should. Crying is good for you. It helps to move through grief instead of sticking us to depression. It can cleanse your soul, and you can be happy again.
3. Allow space for yourself.
Welcome this time to get to know yourself. You don’t need to rush into finding another boyfriend right away. You will be okay by yourself. It’s that simple. You probably don't feel like skipping quite yet, but you will get there. You are okay. Where you are is okay. And being single is OK. You don’t have to have a partner to be okay.
4. Accept the past and your memories.
Don’t wage a war against your past and the memories of love that will come and go. You will more than likely yearn for the love you lost or never had, and it is natural.
Our brains are good at connecting the dots and it’s part of the process. If you try to push any thoughts away, it can make it worse. What you think about, you bring about — even if isn’t what you want. So when the memories and fantasies of getting back together come into your mind, notice them and say, "There I go again! This is what everyone else does, too. There is nothing wrong with me." This is part of getting to the feeling good part!
5. Take out your notebook.
After a bad breakup, it’s easy to beat yourself up, recall every conversation that could have gone differently, and dissect every text message you wish you wouldn’t have sent. Take out your pen and start writing about it. And do not read it for at least 2 years.
Writing about the past it isn’t so you can hold onto it. Writing is a form of letting go. Don’t worry about grammar, making complete sentences, or making sure your penmanship is legible. Getting about the gunk will help you release it. Broken hearts inspire artists to create the most incredible songs, poems, movies, and stories. Write about your love story. You will discover that you are deeper than you ever realized and this heartache will give you more meaning in your life.
I write because I can't help it. My past heartbreaks are the reason that I do what I do. My writing has helped me process the pain and discover the joys in life, and they can help you find yours. Allow yourself to feel the pain so you can begin healing your heart. It will be worth it.
Rejection hurts, and you probably feel it physically. Even though your heart isn’t going to physically break while you try to heal and learn how to get over a breakup, it sure feels like it is. Research led by Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan has shown emotional pain can activate the same part of our brain as physical pain.
The heartbreaking pain you feel is real. Some days will be harder than others, and plenty of them will be hard. But right now, you can start the process of how to move on so you can get to the point where you are ready to open your heart again.
Dina Colada is an author, speaker, and dating coach who specializes in helping single women navigate the modern world of online dating. Her work has appeared on sites like Prevention, MSN, Women’s Health, Plenty of Fish, and Zoosk.