12 Matter-Of-Fact Signs A Relationship Is Really Over, According To Research
Your partner's already checked out of the relationship.
Baptise Ime James | Unsplash There’s a certain point in every troubled relationship that I call “the Stillness.” The Stillness is a feeling that tends to permeate a troubled relationship, much like the calm before the storm. It’s that moment when you get the feeling that one person wants out of the relationship, but for one reason or another, has yet to say it.
I’ve learned to cut things short the minute that I sense the Stillness coming on, whether it’s friends or lovers. The truth is that there are often signs that run alongside Stillness that tell people that their partner is not in the relationship anymore. If you’re wondering what’s up with your boo, make sure you keep an eye out for these matter-of-fact signs a relationship is really over.
Here are the matter-of-fact signs a relationship is really over:
1. The plans they made to marry you or do something major continually get delayed
Did they go from gushing about marriage to talking about how they “just might not be a marriage person after all?" This is their not-so-subtle way of saying that they're no longer interested in keeping up the relationship with you and that you might need to start looking elsewhere.
2. They stop being appreciative of things you do
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Gratitude, I’ve found, is often the glue that keeps people together. If your partner no longer shows gratitude, they’re taking you for granted, and that’s never a good sign.
At best, you’re going to end up in a resent-filled relationship. At worst, they're checked out and are actively looking for someone else.
3. Their enthusiasm for anything to do with you fizzled
They used to be totally into going to movies and carnivals with you, but no longer. If you feel like you have to constantly talk up anything with them, it’s a sign they checked out. A significant decrease in enthusiasm for activities related to your partner, including a lack of interest in plans, conversations, or even just spending time together, can strongly indicate that a relationship is nearing its end, often referred to as emotional disengagement or romantic disinterest.
A 2023 study recommended that discussing concerns with your partner about waning excitement can be crucial in addressing potential issues and working toward improvement.
4. They stop doing things to try to please you
A man who is romantically interested in you will go through a lot to make you happy. If they no longer do the little things they know to make you smile, it’s one of the big signs they're not into you anymore.
5. They suddenly became hard to reach
Does it seem like it takes more and more effort to get in touch with them? When people lose interest, they tend to disappear pretty quickly. If you’re in a relationship with them, then they often will start distancing themselves and acting “busy” as a way to say they’re not interested in keeping things up.
6. They make you feel insecure
Sometimes, what tips people off isn’t necessarily a gesture on their part, but rather a general vibe you’re getting. If you find yourself questioning whether they want to still be with you, it may be time for a serious discussion. Questioning your relationship status with your partner is a normal psychological phenomenon, often stemming from a combination of factors like life changes, relationship dynamics, personal insecurities, and a natural desire for self-reflection.
According to a 2024 study, even slight doubts can trigger a need to reassess the commitment level and compatibility within the partnership. In contrast, some levels of doubt are healthy, and persistent questioning can indicate underlying issues that may need addressing through communication or professional help.
7. They no longer invite you places or bring their friends around you
This behavior often signifies that they're trying to “fade you out” of their life. That way, people won’t make too many comments about you not being around post-breakup. Usually, people will “hide” you a couple of months before a breakup.
8. They make you handle all of the emotional labor
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This is a big sign they're no longer romantically interested in your relationship and often also skews the relationship dynamics into an unhealthy mess. If you feel like the relationship would dissolve without your efforts, chances are that it’s been over for a while.
9. They make a point of talking about how they're going to be 'going away'
A lot of people will try to subtly-not-subtly break the news that the relationship has an expiration date by talking about plans in the future that don’t include you. If you hear them talking about how they're gonna move to France and find themself, they no longer have a vested interest in you.
When your partner talks about your relationship having an expiration date, it often reflects a mindset of uncertainty, potential lack of commitment, or a belief that significant life changes could eventually lead to the relationship ending, potentially stemming from past experiences, fear of future unknowns, or a lack of confidence in the relationship's long-term viability. This can leave you feeling insecure and questioning the depth of their commitment to you.
Research by The British Psychological Society recommends having a calm and honest conversation about what they mean by this statement. Ask them to clarify their concerns and what they hope to achieve by bringing up this idea.
10. They make you feel like you have to prove or sell yourself
A good rule of thumb to follow is that you should never spend time with people who you have to “sell” yourself to. These people aren’t legitimately interested in you. If they were, they wouldn’t make you jump through hoops just to be around them.
11. The intimacy is practically non-existent
Someone who loves you generally does not have to be convinced to be intimate. If you have to beg for it, it’s a sign they don't want to be with you romantically. According to a 2020 study, a significant decline in physical intimacy within a couple can signify that a relationship is nearing its end because intimacy is a crucial component of connection and bonding.
Its absence can indicate a lack of emotional closeness, feelings of rejection, and a growing disconnect between partners, often leading to dissatisfaction and loneliness. If a couple notices a decline in intimacy, open and honest communication about their needs, concerns, and potential reasons behind the change is crucial to address the issue and potentially salvage the relationship.
12. They act like being with you is a chore
Their actions speak louder than words. If they act like they don’t care anymore or they'd rather be anywhere else, it’s often because that’s probably the truth.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.