Grieving Dad Asks If There's Something Wrong With Him Because He's Only Cried Once Since His Wife's Death
Mourning happens on its own timeline.
Austin Human / Unsplash In times of emotional difficulty, we can often be our own worst critic, holding ourselves to impossible standards. After suffering a sudden loss, one man asked the subreddit r/AmIWrong if he was mourning his wife’s death incorrectly.
The grieving dad asked if there was something wrong with him because he had only cried one time since his wife died.
He explained that his 28-year-old wife died one month earlier of a heart stroke. She was doing the dishes when she suddenly collapsed, leaving him and his 5-year-old son behind.
“The pain was unbearable," he wrote. "I don’t know how I survived it.” He shared that he cried at the funeral, which was the first and last time he cried about her death.
“I don’t even feel sad about her death anymore and that makes me feel extremely guilty,” the dad said.
Photo: Fresnel / Shutterstock
His parents and two of his brothers provided immediate support after the funeral by staying with him for a few days. His sister decided to stay longer, as her work is remote, to help him and his son for a while.
“We’ve been so busy with the kid, work, [and] household activities that I haven’t even thought about my wife’s death since,” he said. “I try and think about it, try and feel sad, try to cry, but nothing comes out except indifference.”
The widower shared that he’s “actually enjoying” the life he has now, despite feeling guilty for “not properly grieving.”
It's valuable to recognize that humans are complex creatures. We're capable of holding different and opposing feelings at one time. For the man to say that he likes where his life is, doesn't mean he doesn't simultaneously miss his wife.
He also shared that “it feels like my sister has taken the role of my wife,” which caused him concern that he has an “unhealthy attachment” to her and the support she’s providing.
“I’m worried I’m going to fall apart if she leaves,” he said, although his sister assured him that she preferred to stay with him than with their parents.
Commenters assured the dad that grief is a complicated process and that he had done nothing wrong.
Many online offered condolences and a gentle reminder that nothing is wrong with him. Many shared their own stories of loss, noting the disconnect and indifference they, too, felt, until their emotions hit them fully.
“Grief takes on many forms, some of which bewilder us even as they take their natural course,” shared one person.
Mourning is not a linear process and there's no one correct way to grieve. No one knows how they will react to the loss of a loved one until they’re moving through it. Crying isn’t the only way to express grief, although there are physical and emotional benefits to letting yourself cry.
One person pointed out that how much the man cries doesn’t equate to how much he cared for his wife. “You’ve experienced a huge loss,” they wrote. “The amount that you cry in the first few months — or ever — is not the measure of how much you loved your wife. You will likely feel her absence acutely in the future at moments and in ways you cannot anticipate now.”
Various others offered the man grace for where he is in his journey, and many noted that what he’s feeling isn’t indifference, but rather, shock.
“You’re still in survival mode,” another person commented. “What you’re feeling isn’t abnormal.”
Most suggested that he seek out a therapist and grief support groups for himself and his son, to work through his emotions as they arise.
Ultimately, we can’t police ourselves for how we feel, especially in times of desperation. While the dad might not feel much now, our emotions have a way of pushing upwards and presenting themselves. Finding professional support to process his immense loss is a step toward healing, one the dad will hopefully take.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.