I Got Divorced After 30 Years Of Marriage And Wish My Friends Understood These 9 Things
After my divorce, I felt misunderstood by even my closest friends.
shurkin_son | Shutterstock Raised in a conservative family, I dutifully entered my marriage with a solemn, lifelong commitment. We had children. We were miserable. We stuck it out for decades. We got divorced after 30 years of marriage. People who go through a divorce after 25 years or more are in an unusual club. People are often surprised and curious about why it happens and what it's like.
At first, I was too emotionally raw to handle negative reactions. Now, three years after the separation and two years after the divorce, I’m finally ready to speak because not all marriages are happy.
I got divorced after 30 years of marriage and I wish my friends understood these 9 things:
1. That I'm not going to bash my ex
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I refuse to bash my ex, fight over social media, or say anything publicly that would hurt my children. That doesn’t leave much to say.
2. That I don't owe you every single detail about why we split
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Since I can’t tell you the details, I can’t defend myself or try to rally you for my side. Some of you will give me the benefit of the doubt. Others won’t, and that hurts.
3. That we're both flawed people
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There was no drama. It was two flawed people who did what we thought we knew to do but were ultimately unable to succeed in marriage. If you hear anything much more dramatic than that, it’s either a rumor, or you don’t have all of the information.
According to research, the most commonly cited reason for divorce was lack of commitment, followed by infidelity and too much conflict and arguing. These top-rated significant reasons for divorce are similar to those found in large-scale random surveys of divorced participants. Overall, these findings support the importance of covering communication and commitment expectations to have successful marriages.
4. That I wonder if people were surprised by our split
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Most of my confidantes told me that we always appeared to be a happy couple. People were, no doubt, surprised with the news. I told only the people closest to me and I kept it off of social media. So my old acquaintances must have been shocked as rumors inevitably spread.
We didn’t put on a show of affection or try to act happy in front of others; we just didn’t yell or argue in public. We pretty much ignored each other when people were around. So the signs were there, but you probably didn’t notice our inner misery.
Or maybe you did, and you didn’t say anything. Maybe I’m wrong to worry about what you think. Maybe you’ll say, "Why in the world didn’t you two split up sooner?" I wonder about that, but I’m scared to find out.
5. That the decision to divorce was agonizing
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You may have been taken by surprise, but we weren’t. We struggled in private for more years — decades — than I want to admit.
What you didn’t see was the endless sessions of marriage counseling that didn’t bring change, the stoic decisions to stick it out, the overwhelming unhappiness and helplessness, the tearful hours spent weighing options over and over, the consuming fear of the unknown.
6. That I admit that I made many mistakes in my marriage
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I made mistakes, hurt people more than I realized, learned, and am still growing.
7. That I wonder if people judge me
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If you’ve been through it, you probably understand why the divorce happened. I worry, though, that people in wonderful relationships who have always been able to work out their problems will assume that all couples should be able to get along if they try. I worry that people in difficult relationships who are gritting their teeth and staying together might judge me for deciding to stop doing it.
8. That my biggest regret is putting our kids through this pain
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My biggest regret is putting our children through the pain of a bad marriage. I struggle with feeling like a failure. I wonder whether I did everything I could have to stay together or whether I missed something.
I feel guilty about not giving more and angry about sacrificing too much of myself for too little in return. I feel broken in my soul because I had so much faith for so long, and nothing happened.
I feel shame because falling in love and choosing someone as your soul mate and life partner isn’t like picking out a pair of jeans; it comes from the depths of who you are.
What does it say about who I am that I made such an unfixable mistake in choosing to marry someone who would never be right for me? That I gave it my all for over three decades, didn’t succeed, and gave up in my 50s?
On the other hand, since the divorce, I’m proud of myself for making it on my own. I’m proud that I made choices in my career and where I live. I feel free. I’m over 50, but I have lots of life ahead of me, and life is good. For the first time, I’m happy.
9. That I desperately want to justify my decisions but I won't
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Everything in me wants to make you understand that I’m "right" and that I’m a good person. But I’m old enough to wonder if that’s even true. I did the very best I could, but it’s also true that I’m more flawed than I thought. Divorcing after 30 years means you question your entire life and your entire being. What’s worse is that, at this age, there’s so much behind you that can’t be undone, people you can’t unhurt.
Facing how flawed I am is terrifying. Finding the courage to face my true self is like falling into a hole, not knowing whether there’s a place to land. I’m discovering that I’m right and I’m wrong and I’m messed up, and I can’t help some of it, and I should have done other things better, and I can’t fix the past, but I can do my best, and somehow it’s okay to know that I’m still valuable and worthwhile as a person.
No one else was with me in my private moments of unhappiness and decision. I’ve second-guessed my choices countless times and am finally coming to accept myself and my situation. I’m happy, and I hope my ex is, too.
Research from the National Divorce Decision-Making Project shows that when someone is in the process of deciding whether to stay in a marriage or to pursue a divorce, they often think about how it will impact their children, finances, personal happiness, and how much love they have for, or are experiencing from, their spouse. It can be a significant struggle for many individuals who are considering divorce to arrive at clarity or confidence in a final decision one way or the other.
What I hope to receive from you is compassion, friendship, and support. I’m still me, the same responsible, decent, well-meaning, messed-up person I’ve always been, though hopefully with more lessons learned.
Frances Patton, LMFT, is a Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in couples and intimacy.