10 Freeing Ways To Fully Cleanse A Toxic Ex From Your Life
How to scrub that man out of your life.
avanti_photo | Canva If only "washing a man out of our hair" was as simple as a wash, rinse and repeat cycle. In reality, breaking off attachment to an ex is hard — but not impossible — work. Here are 10 easy-to-follow tips for washing a hard-to-forget ex from your life.
Here are 10 freeing ways to fully cleanse a toxic ex from your life:
1. Indulge in a "pity diet"
Bring on the tears — it's okay to have a pity party, just don't let it last too long. Designate how much time and how long you will cry and feel miserable, then make yourself do something else.
Crying is very good for us. It allows us to release stress, and ease pain, according to Harvard research.
When you make yourself have a set amount of time to wallow in misery, it will make you feel in control again, and that's a good feeling to have.
2. Take the time to bounce back
Many people think that they have to move on to another relationship quickly to avoid pain, but doing so can lengthen the time it takes to heal.
When you take some time to reflect on the breakup, it helps you to realize the pros and cons of the relationship.
Remember that we tend to view the past with rose-colored glasses and that there were plenty of shortages in the relationship as well. Focus on your ex's deficiencies over the positives.
3. Keep him out of your head by keeping him out of your bed
Research tells us that when women are intimate, the "attachment" hormone oxytocin is released. This creates a feeling of bonding, which is pretty hard to manage when you are breaking up.
While intimacy might seem appealing as a last-ditch effort to keep the relationship together, don't confuse the issue even more by sleeping with your ex.
4. Break the pattern
Now is an excellent time to do something that you haven't done in a long time (like all the while you were with your ex). Start a new exercise routine, travel more, and hang out with friends that you haven't seen all year.
Think about upgrading your job skills, taking a class, or starting a new project that will advance your professional life.
I have seen many women end up with a whole new career after breaking up with a partner, due to taking on more education. A new job or career direction can make you feel good — smarter, better, and stronger. Did your past relationship do that for your self-esteem?
5. Learn from the relationship
Look back on the relationship to make sense of the reasons why it ended. Ask yourself what you could have done in the relationship to make it better and what you could have done to avoid the breakup.
You can't go back but you can learn from the experience so that you can make your next relationship better than you could have ever imagined.
6. Accept what you know and let go of what you don't
Have you broken up with your ex but have many questions about why it fell apart?
Instead of working through the relationship repeatedly in your mind, tell yourself that you will never know the exact reason, but what you do know is that it's over. You can't help what you don't know, but you can help what you do.
Take that knowledge and use it to let go. It's over… let it be over.
7. Don't want someone who doesn't want you
As much as you want to be with your ex again, if he hasn't come back to you, it means that he doesn't feel the same way about you.
Accepting that he doesn't want you and knowing that you deserve to have someone who wants you, and only you can release you from the desperation you feel for him.
Hold your head up high and tell yourself that you don't want someone who has to be with you — you want someone who wants to be with you, yearns to be with you, and will do anything possible to be with you.
8. Write off your ex
Need to do more than just "wash your ex out of your hair?" A little creative and unedited writing just might be what the Heart Doc ordered.
Putting pen to paper and letting it all flow can work wonders for getting in touch with the deepest of your emotions and letting them go.
Getting over your ex is always easier said than done and with each love story that ends, you will experience emotions differently and to unique levels and degrees.
Taking time each day to express how you are feeling about your breakup will allow the emotions we normally "stuff" to be released.
Two rules to remember — don't hold back, discern, edit, etc., and only read it once before discarding it. I recommend burning the paper to complete the cleansing process.
9. Tune out your ex
Is your mind working overtime thinking about and rehashing the last few exchanges you had with your ex? Start tuning them out. Put together a playlist on your cell phone of songs that remind you of why it is good to be you and great to be moving on.
My playlist would include "Not Goin' Cry" by Mary J. Blige, "Survivor" by Destiny's Child, "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson, "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce, and more!
10. Unplug and recharge
Is the stress of your breakup starting to take a toll on your body? Are you running low on energy? Then you need a sanity day — take the day off of work, schedule a massage, facial, manicure, pedicure, or whatever it is that makes you feel extraordinary.
This day is all about you and reminding yourself of how special you are and worthy of being loved and spoiled.
Even if finances don't allow you to do a full day of self-spoiling, spend the day doing something that you love — run a bubble bath, light a few candles.
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Be sure to turn off your phone and unplug yourself from the world around you. Pulling the plug on anything technological will allow you the emotional and energetic space to recharge your confidence batteries.
Kelly Chisholm is a Board-Certified Coach with over 10 years of experience and specializes in coaching women in small business and entrepreneurs.
Marcelina Hardy, MSEd, BCC, is an author, life coach, marriage educator, and relationship coach.
Karen Kleinwort is a business consultant and the owner of Therapy in Transition.