If You're Feeling Any These 7 Things, Your Relationship Probably Won't Last
Common relationship-enders you can spot within a few dates, courtesy of a dating expert.
Velimir Zeland via Shutterstock When I was dating in the years after my divorce, I discovered a pattern. My relationships didn't last more than 8 months. I was in a quandary about how to find a love to last. It wasn't for a want of lasting love. It's after dating exclusively for 3 to 6 months, I'd discover something about the person I was dating that made it impossible to continue the relationship.
Over the nearly twenty years I've been a life and relationship coach, I've seen these seven common reasons why people haven't yet found a love that will last. Chances are when you finish reading through them you'll know exactly how your dating needs to change.
If you feel these seven things, your relationship likely won't last
1. Your life goals aren't similar enough
First and foremost in my opinion, two people need to want the same things in life to have longevity and a love to last.
For those in the 30-40s age range, an example of life goals could be to get married and have a family. Not everyone wants to have children or more children, so this is a crucial life goal to have alignment.
Or if you're older, a goal could be to retire and move to another part of the country. There's a big difference between those still involved in full-time work and those who desire to live a retired lifestyle.
2. Your critical relationship values are being stepped on
When something vital to you isn't honored by your partner, it makes it hard to continue dating them.
For example, you need your partner to be responsible with money and to be able to share in the expenses of the household. you find out your partner has big debts and isn't budgeting to reduce the debt, which can lead to financial abuse as shown in a 2014 study. As a result, he can no longer afford to help out or pay his fair share. That's a deal breaker for you. It causes you great stress and ultimately breaks up your relationship.
If this example resonates with you, misaligned values are probably a big reason you've not yet found a love to last.
3. Your partner isn't forthcoming about things that matter most
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When your partner hides certain aspects of their life so you don't have the whole picture of what you're getting yourself involved with, this can cause you to run for the door.
For instance, you never realized the impact your toxic in-laws and your partner's troubled child would have on your partner and your relationship in the long run. This information didn't come up until more than 6 months into the relationship.
It's important to get the full picture of what your partner is dealing with sooner rather than later so you can assess if you can support and handle it. The sooner you know what you're walking into, the sooner you can see if you have a love that can last.
4. Either you or your partner just cannot compromise
I've had circumstances where my client met someone who lived in a different city. There seemed to be a good rapport with their partner. When the relationship got more serious, one person needed to move to another city. However, neither was willing to move and they reached a stalemate.
Someone has to compromise and take a chance. When no one is willing to change their life for the relationship, the relationship will fall apart. An unwillingness to compromise is often why people don't find love to last.
5. One of you doesn't feel like a priority in the other's life
Relationships take work and focus. People want to feel they're an important part of your life. To maintain a love that lasts, it takes continual nurturing.
There are times you're pulled in many directions and you may not be able to give your partner the attention they need. When work, kids, parents, and friends get a higher priority than your partner, this may cause your partner to wonder why they're a part of your life and even look elsewhere for attention.
A 2004 study supports how communication in marriage is important to know your partner's needs and how much TLC they require.
6. Necessary boundaries aren't kept with people outside your relationship
The influence of family members on your relationship with your partner can adversely impact your relationship, as evidenced in research on quality of in-law and marital relationships. If you don't feel as though your partner stands up for you with her parents, siblings, or kids, then you don't feel on an equal footing in the relationship.
Many times, not setting the appropriate boundaries with family members has caused a rift in a supposedly primary relationship. I've seen this many times with my clients. How your partner handles his/her family greatly influences whether you can share a love that lasts.
7. You no longer feel your partner has your best interests at heart
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When you're a couple, decisions are made together. Especially the big ones. When one person makes a unilateral decision without consulting the other person which impacts the other person, the other person will likely start to doubt the relationship.
These decisions could be making a big purchase, taking a job offer, or planning a vacation without consulting their partner. When you feel your partner no longer has your best interests at heart, that would be a reason to end the relationship.
Given these reasons why relationships fail, why haven't you found a love that lasts?
Don't make the mistake of thinking it's impossible to find a lasting, loving life partner. Instead, recognize how you're aware of what can cause a relationship to unravel. So you'll be more likely to avoid these pitfalls when you uncover them. If you can spend less time in a relationship that's going nowhere, and you keep on searching, you'll eventually find a love to last!
Amy Schoen is a D.C.-based national expert in dating and relationship coaching who's helped countless couples find love.