Everything I Wish I Should Have Told You Before You Left
All these unspoken words and memories still clutter deep in my heart.
fizkes / Shutterstock By Bea C. Pilotin
I should have told you all of the unspoken words that I buried in my heart.
I should have shared the poems I wrote on those autumn days as we sat in the hollowed-out base of a cedar tree.
And when we sprawled on the ground, which was covered with autumn leaves, looking out at the rain as it pummeled the sword ferns and ivy.
I should have told you the words in my heart: that you were the lone star in my sky and the only soul who helped me see the beauty of the world.
Do you know what I’ve loved? It’s quite simple.
It’s somewhere in that time when it was a cold and rainy night. We were standing by the window to the familiar, pale white walls, looking across the city.
That moment when we were watching the play of light and shadow on the lawn and felt the gentle breeze. The leaves of the trees rustled and trembled like a Tiny Dancer.
The sunlight that filtered through the leafy domes of the trees, and the radiant, pretty days seemed to beckon us.
We danced barefoot across the kitchen floor while we admired the imposing beauty of the cold morning. The sweet kisses that we shared while our bodies radiated and our hearts hammered inside our chests as we huddled under the sheets.
We both felt December’s joy, full of promises, gratitude, and excitement. The sunshine, the rainbow, the blue vault of heaven bounded by cloistered walls, and the green earth extended in the hill and dale to the horizon.
I have always loved the moment when we both felt an early winter wind blow.
The sky lay perfectly clear, and the stars were chilly points of light. We both watched the maple leaves curled into fits and dropped away. Over time, the rain grounded them into an auburn paste.
We both watched the birds that began to call each other louder and louder in a huge, dark cloud over the treetops. They flew in by the hundreds, wave by wave, coming from the west then disappearing into the silence.
They vanished into the dark cedar leaves and into the darkening sky.
We both watched the world at dusk. We saw that even when the sun was gone, the horizon still streaked pink, red, salmon, and lavender.
There was still a beautiful light.
Today, the world is incomprehensibly intricate and yet, the place where we once stood made simple sense in my heart.
In the silence of my mind, all these unspoken words and memories still clutter deep in my heart.
I suppose they always will.
Bea C. Pilotin is a Qatar-based Filipino writer and author of two books: 'In Love And In Heartbreak' and 'The Whys Of Us.' Her work has been published on Thought Catalog, Unwritten, The Mind's Journal, Medium, and more.