Famous Relationship Counselor Advises People Not To Admit To Affair Before Asking These 2 Questions
Is it really best if you own up to your infidelity? Maybe not.
SolStock | Canva Regardless of whether you intended for it to happen or not, you had an affair. You're wracked with guilt and wonder, "Now what?" Should you tell your spouse or not that you cheated? Or is it true, as the old saying goes, that what people don't know can't hurt them?
Many marriages have experienced one or both partners having either a physical or emotional affair. And only so many of those marriages actually survive once the affair has been discovered or admitted. The key is knowing your partner, your relationship, and above all yourself.
Don't admit to an affair before asking these two questions:
1. Will your relationship be ruined if you tell her the truth?
The truth is, she is suffering. Your actions have already hurt her. The longer she doesn't know, the more pain you will inevitably cause her.
Cheating is something can very few people are willing to forgive, especially if the two of you are married. According to statistics, 30-40% of divorces are caused by cheating.
Please consider whether your relationship may already be ruined, even if she doesn't know. Don't lie to yourself that if she doesn't know it won't hurt her. Because the truth is, the deceit will affect her regardless.
2. Can you handle the fallout of not telling her that you cheated?
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That will weigh heavily upon you, most likely. Can you handle the guilt without becoming resentful toward her, through no fault of her own? Contempt, according to research from The Gottman Insitute, can be a real relationship ender, on top of the cheating.
Will you always be looking over your shoulder for someone to "expose" your secret? Because that's no way to live — for either of you. The relationship is already over. It was over the moment you decided to have an affair.
If you decide not to tell her about the affair, be prepared to spend the next few months making it up to her. Shower her with attention, affection, and all the things she likes.
Be warned though, that she might see this sudden spike in interest in your relationship and get suspicious. This could lead to her snooping around and finding out about the affair herself.
If you are determined to turn the relationship around and be more romantic, start by planning more dates and helping out around the house. When it comes down to it, you strayed, and the least you can do is make it up to her.
If you truly believe your relationship can heal after infidelity, then it's in everyone's best interest if you tell her sooner rather than later, and if she does decide to leave, at least you'll know you tried to save it in the end. Give her the choice to make, instead of being selfish.
Dr. John Gray is a leading relationship expert whose books, including Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus have sold over 50 million copies in 50 languages in 150 countries.
Elizabeth Ayers-Callahan is a freelance writer whose mission is to help other women feel less alone in their marriages. Her work focuses on intimacy and relationship issues.