Divorced Women Share What They Did Right And Wrong — 'Wish I Paid Attention To How He Treated His Mom'
It's easy to be reassured by a man's apparent self-assurance.
vladans | Canva If you want to have a successful and fulfilling marriage instead of one that ends in divorce after only a few years, what can you do to protect yourself? Here are some suggestions from women who answered the question, "What do you wish you had known before you got married?"
Divorced women shared what they did right and wrong that led to their marriage ending:
1. Pay attention to how he treats his mother
An unhappily married woman wished she had not ignored how he treated his mother before saying yes to her husband's proposal.
She lamented, "I wish I had paid more attention to the way he treated his mother before we were married." Another woman said, "I wish I had noticed how my husband treated the servers at the restaurant."
Both women were dazzled by personable men who made promises about how supportive they would be to their future wives. Once married, both men not only failed to keep their promises but instead of being supportive, treated their wives in condescending controlling ways.
2. Take your time
Tina told me: "It was only a year and a half between the time we met and the wedding. I thought it was long enough at the time, but I should've listened to my intuition and not gone through with the wedding."
3. Pay attention to your intuition and your inklings
Even when you don't want to, you may feel like something is wrong before you have enough logical evidence to support your feelings, as demonstrated in research on the scientific backing of intuition. Don't be embarrassed by that. It is simply the way the human mind works. Even if you just have a case of jitters, it's worth talking about with a sympathetic listener.
4. Avoid making up excuses
Don't make up stories about why your friends and family are not enthusiastic about your choice. Remember, they care about your happiness even if they don't have much skill in sharing their discomfort with you.
5. Collect real data
Spend some time paying attention to the way your fiancé treats every person he has contact with. This includes service people of all kinds. If he does something that distresses you, call it to his attention and see how he responds.
6. Risk the embarrassment of calling off a wedding
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It's the easiest way to avoid divorce and even though it's expensive it's far less costly than giving up years of your life and then divorcing later. When I asked Tina, a recently divorced young woman who had stayed in a difficult marriage for four and a half years the main cause for her divorce, she told a sadly familiar story.
"I was very young when we married. He was 11 years older and seemed so supportive of my ambitions and dreams I didn't notice how controlling he was. About a month before the wedding I started to get uncomfortable. But all the bills were already paid so I went through with it. I always thought I could get a divorce, but I had no idea of how hard that would be.”
It's easy to be reassured by a man's apparent self-assurance and ability to successfully maneuver his way through the world.
After all most women want to be cherished and cared for by the men they marry. Amid the excitement of falling in love, it's easy to miss the signs of behavior involving a tendency to bully and control others, in this way the power of self-persuasion takes control as shown in an American Psychologist study.
It's also hard to hear the warnings from friends and family members that they are uncomfortable about how the man you are in love with treats you. It's equally hard for those friends and family members to let you know about their premonitions of trouble ahead. Often, they don't say anything at all because they’re afraid of appearing to interfere. They're also afraid of the pushback from you.
It's much easier to focus on the excitement of planning a wedding than to do the important work of preparing for a successful and fulfilling marriage. Do it anyhow! You are worth it!
Laurie Weiss, Ph.D. is a certified transactional analysis trainer with clinical and organizational specialties and a master certified coach. She is the author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Saying I Do.