6 Divorce-Inducing Mistakes Even 'The Best Couples' Make
Give your marriages the best chance to survive.
Monkey Business Images | Canva After spending years working with couples and individuals who have been through a breakup or divorce, it seems that problems keep coming up over and over again.
Wouldn't it be nice to know the signs of divorce, so we can figure out where to concentrate our efforts and give our marriages the best chance at survival?
Here are 6 divorce-inducing mistakes even 'the best couples' make:
1. You talk to friends about your partner.
Friends are often more upset when they believe their bestie is being mistreated than when they're experiencing the same mistreatment themselves.
Besides, most of us don't understand how our conditioning and wiring differ from person to person. 2021 research helps us understand how life events can affect personality. That's why these conversations often lead to spouse-bashing and that helps nobody.
The solution: Limit talking about your marital problems to just two people (like a trusted friend along with a coach or therapist).
2. You nag your spouse about the same issues over and over.
All too often, we think talking to our spouse is the way to make them see how their behavior affects us. If the behavior doesn't change when we first bring it up, we want to talk more, longer, or louder, because we think maybe they didn't get it the first time.
One of the biggest pet peeves for your spouse is probably that feeling of being pestered, especially if they don't know what the problem is.
The rules of polite, kind, nice conversation we try to follow can come off as indirect, manipulative, and mysterious. We often conclude our spouses don't care, because they haven't changed after a particular conversation.
The solution: Learn communication skills designed specifically to talk about relationship issues and spend more time doing fun activities.
3. You believe your happiness depends on your spouse changing.
Of course, happiness increases when your spouse changes for the better, but that change originates with you. On the other hand, the people who focus on becoming who they want to be, rather than on how to get their partners to change, are happier down the road.
The solution: Focus on being the best you.
4. You and your partner live parallel lives.
Living parallel lives with your spouse is the slippery slope to disconnecting completely. The bonds of marriage thrive on having an interest in one another, working toward common goals, and spending time with one another, as supported by a 2017 study of marital bonds.
Couples who are trying to reconnect after their children have left home often come to realize they don't know each other anymore.
The solution: Take the time to know what's important to your spouse and let them know what's important to you.
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5. You negatively focus on what's wrong.
One of the most difficult scenarios for a couple is when one or both people are stuck viewing each other through a negative lens, expecting the worst. Our brains do a wonderful job of seeing what we expect to see, and we are much more likely to view our partners as doing everything wrong when we have developed a negative view of them.
The solution: Balance your concerns with a positive view.
6. You say these deadly words: "I deserve...".
These words need to be banned from your vocabulary. Research conducted by the American Psychological Association helps show how the mentality that goes along with using these words includes a form of entitlement that kills the softness needed for a couple to cherish one another.
Saying "I deserve" is inherently a demand. It's very different from knowing you are worth more and having the communication skills necessary to ask for more. Knowing what you're worth helps you inspire your spouse to cherish you.
The solution: Focus on knowing your worth — understand what's important to you in a relationship, and learn how to ask for it.
Teresa Atkin is a Master Certified Life Coach and has been coaching individuals, couples, and groups for 15 years.