Divorce Coach Reveals Red Flags People Are Only Aware Of After A Divorce
Hindsight is almost always 20/20.
Andrik Langfield / Unsplash Divorce Recovery Coach Leah Marie Mazur focuses her content on self-love and boundary setting as a way toward self-fulfillment.
In a recent post, she described the varied answers she received after asking members of her support group to identify concerning signs in their relationships they didn’t notice until after their marriages had ended.
The divorce coach revealed the red flags in a marriage that people were only aware of after getting divorced.
1. Manipulative crying and always playing the victim
Both actions are examples of weaponizing vulnerability. They create an emotional imbalance of power, in which one person is consistently assigned blame for challenges in the relationship, which creates an insecure partnership.
2. An unhealthy relationship with their immediate family
Another problematic part of one person’s marriage that they didn’t notice until after their divorce was that their ex had “an extremely close family that looks innocent but that’s actually codependent and enabling and very unhealthy.”
3. Being inauthentic with friends and family
How someone acts around friends and family is a strong indicator of who they truly are, yet one person described a red flag they experienced, in that their partner “put on a show for their friends and family and they’re a totally different person around you.”
Photo: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash
“Someone who bashes their friends or family but never tells them that to their face,” came another complaint, a red flag that exemplified poor or indirect communication skills.
4. A lack of compassion and caring
“They don’t think birthdays or holidays are important,” one person said. “Always walking ahead of you, not next to you,” another person shared.
5. Misrepresenting who they are as people
“Someone who declares themselves as a patriot when their actions never align with their words,” said one divorcee. “Someone who claims to love traveling but doesn’t own a passport, or someone who claims to love dogs but doesn’t have a dog,” were other examples of that particular kind of red flag.
Photo: Kyle Broad / Unsplash
6. Having a misalignment of values
Some examples included becoming involved with someone who held onto the importance of work over other parts of lives, didn’t prioritize their family, or didn’t have friends.
7. Choosing defensiveness and denial to avoid blame
A major red flag came in the form of behavior that allowed people’s exes to deny taking responsibility for any of their own actions, especially when those actions were harmful.
For example, “someone who disparages all their exes, by calling them crazy, and never holds themselves accountable for the dissolution of their relationships,” or having to comfort them when you’re the one who’s upset by something they’ve done.
The comments section was full of people sharing their own red flags and finding solidarity in doing so. One woman shared, “You are literally describing my ex-husband. I didn’t know everything was so common.”
You should never feel bad for missing signs of trouble in a relationship.
While it would be easy for people to blame themselves for not noticing red flags right away, hindsight is always clearer than our current vision.
Sometimes, we convince ourselves that everything’s okay when it isn’t. Yet blaming ourselves for not seeing things that were wrong overlooks a basic aspect of being human: We’re all seeking connection, and sometimes, that essential need overrides our other instincts.
It's what we do with the knowledge once we have it that matters most.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers relationships, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.