I'm A Couples Counselor — Here Are 10 Indicators Your Marriage Is In Deep Trouble
Is it too late to save your marriage?
Rido | Canva We've all heard the dauntingly horrible statistic: roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. No one wants to be a cliché, and everyone wants to find themselves among the 50 percent that beat the odds.
What if you could identify the biggest indicators before it was too late? What if you had the chance to turn it all around? Would you seize the moment, even if it meant taking an unpleasant look at the reality of your relationship and digging in to repair the damage?
I'm a couple's counselor — Here are 10 indicators your marriage is in deep trouble:
1. You become a one-woman consulting firm
You used to ask your partner for their opinions on a variety of subjects. Everything from what you should do about your difficult boss to what plans you'll make for the weekend.
Those days are gone, and you find yourself making decisions without consideration for their feelings or how it might affect them.
2. You pull out your scorecard and start tallying
The ease of give and take has been replaced with playing "Tit for Tat" and you actively keep mental notes for how much you are contributing versus how much your partner isn't.
3. You anoint yourself king/queen of the castle
In a successful relationship, no one person's needs are more important. Your desires are equally considered and equal attempts are made to bring them to fruition.
However, now that there is stress, resentment, and tension, you make your needs a priority.
4. You move from teammates to roommates
Teammates work in tandem to get goals accomplished.
They share ideas for how to succeed and envision home and life plans together. Roommates take on singular projects with no respect or thought toward the other person in the house.
The roommate phase is an unfortunate thing some couples go through. According to John Gottman's research, a loss of connection can be a big concern in relationships and oftentimes looks like a lack of intimacy.
They clean their space. They do their laundry. Their separate plans become your separate lives.
5. You pull out your needle and start jabbing
Anyone in a long-term relationship knows their partner well enough to have a keen awareness of their hot buttons.
In days past, you accidentally pressed them, learned from your mistakes, and vowed not to repeat them. Today, you press them with full awareness, and you like it.
6. You break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend
When you two were happy and in love, you "dated" each other. You did all the little things that kept the romance alive.
You sent the sweet text in the middle of the day. You brought home the dessert from that little café you know they love.
Suzy Hazelwood / Pexels
You made an effort to keep up your appearance. Now, you see your mate as a ball and chain instead of the hot date you used to roll out the red carpet for.
7. You move your love tank to someone else's truck
Whether it's emotional or physical, you are reaching out to anyone and everyone other than your mate to connect with and feel connected to.
8. You kidnapped Cupid and you're holding him for ransom
People joke that you stop being intimate when you get married because you no longer 'have to.' But the truth is that oftentimes, people stop being intimate when they start losing positive feelings towards their mate.
No one wants to have sex with the person they see as an impediment to their happiness. Even if you still have intimate feelings, you stop pursuing them to punish, play games, or make a point to your partner.
9. Words are saved for Scrabble
Gone are the days of staying up late, talking. Conversations with your mate seem futile and exhausting.
Instead, you use as few words as possible to convey your sentiments and conversations devolve into what needs to get done around the house or who is running the carpool tomorrow.
10. You checked out of your relationship and into your mental hotel
In happier times, your partner was your refuge because they were your best friend, your comfort, and your joy. As tension sets in, you blindly interact with your mate without giving them your presence of mind.
Your mindfulness has been replaced with fantasies of your new life, away from your partner.
If you're determinedly shaking your head in agreeance, that's a flashing yellow light that trouble is brewing.
No one said it would be a snap, but then again, nothing worth having comes easy. You have a finite opportunity to get your marriage out of trouble before that yellow light turns red.
If you're debating and looking for the motivation you've been missing, remember that no fantasy holds up to the reality and complexities of a relationship.
Even the best partnerships are messy, and challenging and can often send you to the brink. They all require effort, diligence, and consistency. Be part of the solution and defy those nasty odds.
Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT, is a licensed marriage family therapist who helps her clients find long-lasting love, with themselves and others.