9 Complaints Unfaithful Husbands Have About Their Marriages Before They Even Cheat
How to spot the distinct pattern that emerges before an affair.
InnerVisionPRO via Shutterstock No one sets out to have an affair. More often than not, an affair results from issues entirely unrelated to the affair itself. As in, it isn't the appeal of the other person or the outside relationship that motivates the infidelity.
Fortunately, understanding what those issues are can help us get ahead of the problem. Once you know what issues to watch out for, you can deal with them before an affair destroys lives. And, to be clear, these complaints are not solely the responsibility of the potentially betrayed partner. Any husband experiencing these feelings has the responsibility to notice the pattern within himself and recognize the risk. It is his job, then, to intervene and help solve the problems with his partner.
Nine complaints unfaithful husbands have about their marriages — before they even cheat
1. Loneliness
This is probably the most obvious reason someone might embark on an affair. Research on intimacy, loneliness, and infidelity shows if one is lonely, they are vulnerable to getting into any kind of relationship, including an affair.
Many men are exhausted from dating apps and wasted time going on dates with women who aren’t right. When someone appears in their life, married or not, who they are emotionally and physically attracted to, they see someone who can assuage their loneliness.
Unfortunately, this “cure” for loneliness will be a fleeting one as being involved in an affair ultimately only leads to more loneliness and despair.
Don’t use loneliness as an excuse to get involved with someone you shouldn’t get involved with — and don’t use it as an excuse to stay in an affair when you know you shouldn’t!
2. Feeling ignored
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For many of my male clients, feeling ignored is a big factor in why they get involved with someone who isn’t their partner.
In many relationships, particularly long-term ones or ones with children, men go from being a priority in their partner’s life to being someone who is pretty far down on the priority list. And, because men don’t like to make a fuss, they tend to keep quiet about their dissatisfaction with their place on the ladder.
Unfortunately, staying quiet only fuels the unhappiness of being ignored which makes a man vulnerable when another person comes along, someone who does make them a priority and makes them feel loved.
3. Needing physical intimacy
Men need physical intimacy. Women do, too, of course. But in the case of the men I have spoken to, physical intimacy is a driving force in their lives.
When a man is in a relationship with someone whom he used to have physical intimacy with but with whom sexual encounters are now rare, they often develop a yearning for physical intimacy that can, at times, be overpowering. Even worse for many men, their partners continue to be physically intimate with them — but only because they feel like they must.
As a result, when someone comes along who not only will be physically intimate with them but who fully desires them, cheating becomes a previously unconsidered possibility, as supported by 2021 research. Their sexual drive can take over from their logical thinking and they can fall into infidelity before they even know it.
4. Commitment issues
I know it almost seems like a trope that men have commitment issues but, like women, they do and their reasons behind their fears can be just as profound as women's.
Perhaps they have been deeply hurt before and don’t want to be again. Perhaps they are afraid of abandonment such as a parent did to them. Perhaps they don’t want to give up their independence. Perhaps they are concerned their career will suffer. Perhaps they just aren’t ready to settle down.
For whatever reason, men who are in a relationship often self-sabotage because of these fears.
Why are men who have commitment issues vulnerable to having an affair? Because in an affair, particularly if your affair partner is married, you don’t have to commit. In an affair, you get to have fun times and sex when you want it and then go back to your regular life and to the partner you are scared to commit to.
Do you have commitment issues? If yes, consider why you are considering this affair and how it relates to those issues, as research from 2013 helps us see, and consider addressing those commitment issues instead of ignoring them.
5. Something big is happening
Many of my clients have had affairs when something big is happening in their lives.
One client had an affair when their mother was dying. One had an affair when they lost their job. One had an affair when they were struggling with depression.
Why does having something big happening in one’s life tie into having an affair?
2010 research demonstrates that because affairs give people the hit of dopamine, the feel-good chemical, it helps them manage their emotions temporarily. An affair distracts them from the difficulties of the world. In an affair, they most likely have a partner they can discuss difficult issues with safely.
So, if you are going through something big and are reading this article, know that considering having an affair might be directly related to what is happening.
6. Their father did it
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I know — we all believe we can break away from the patterns our parents taught us. After all, we are wiser and times have changed, correct? Nope.
My father had affair after affair and they played out all through my childhood and adolescent years. I remember going to the office with him when I was in third grade and knowing the woman I met was having an affair with my dad. Over the years, my siblings and I were lied to and deceived and watched our mom fall further into despair. We had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like.
So, what happened? I had an affair. I knew I was repeating history, but I couldn’t stop it from happening (or I could but didn’t fight it hard enough!)
Did your father cheat? If yes, try to break the generational trauma, and don’t let yourself sink into an affair.
7. The past
One of my clients had an affair with his college girlfriend after reconnecting online (as so many people do with exes these days). Their relationship had ended badly but as soon as they met up all the old feelings came rushing back. Soon, they were involved in an exciting affair that took them back to their glory days. Unfortunately, their trip down memory lane hurt a lot of people.
In this time of ubiquitous social media, this happens way too often. People reconnect with an old love and it takes them back to their younger days, when the future was bright and love was easy. That being said, the past is the past and your ex is your ex for a reason. Of course, you can be online friends with an ex, but you need to recognize that this can be risky in moments when you may feel vulnerable.
So, don’t be fooled into thinking a past love is the right person for you. They aren’t! (Bummer, I know!)
8. An unhappy marriage
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This is the most common reason men have affairs — because they are in an unhappy marriage, as demonstrated in a study on the probability of infidelity.
I always say people who have affairs are trying to fill a hole in their lives. Some piece of their marriage is missing and it’s easier to move on to someone new than try to address the issue at home.
And to make things even worse, when someone’s emotional and/or physical needs are being met elsewhere, the desire to work on a relationship vanishes so those issues just never get addressed. As a result, the need for the affair persists — a dangerous thing for all.
9. Self-esteem issues
Many men who enter into affairs have self-esteem issues.
Some of these issues are deep-seated, hailing back from childhood. Some are the result of being in an unhappy relationship where they aren’t treated well. Some are the result of life circumstances, like losing a job.
Whatever the reason, men with self-esteem issues are very vulnerable to having an affair. Why?
Because the affair makes them feel good about themselves. They feel loved. They feel heard. They feel wanted and are praised for their sexual prowess. They get a feel-good dopamine hit and immediately rise out of the dark place, albeit temporarily.
10. Wanting to be admired
We all want to be admired for who we are how we look and the things we do.
Unfortunately, for people in long-term relationships, admiration often has been put to the side. It’s not necessarily because the partners no longer admire each other (although that is often the case after a thousand little cuts over the years). It’s because people start taking each other for granted. They no longer see the things they used to praise their partner for. They don’t do it on purpose but they do do it.
People having affairs are awash with admiration. Their affair partner thinks they are perfect, everything they do is perfect, and they tell them repeatedly. Unfortunately, like any relationship, with time this seeing your person as the ideal fades as their humanness becomes evident, so an affair is a short-term fix to a long-term problem.
So there you go, nine reasons why a man might be vulnerable to having an affair.
No one wants to have an affair — at least nobody I know or have worked with. No one wants to cheat on someone they care about or do something that doesn’t feel good. But affairs happen, for a variety of reasons.
If someone can understand what it is in him that might be leading him down the path to an affair, he just might seek a means of addressing those issues before things get out of control.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.