The Clever Habit Of People Who Repel Narcissists & Manipulators
Dating coach Sabrina Zohar shares how she finally stopped attracting people who treated her badly.
ViDI Studio / Shutterstock Everywhere we go we hear horror stories highlighting the tragedies of dating and relationships. It seems like countless videos and articles are dedicated to detecting narcissists and how to get away from them once we meet them. You start to wonder if it's even possible to avoid manipulators and abusers, as if they're everywhere!
But don't give up just yet. There are a few tips and tricks to help make your dating experience a whole lot easier.
Why some people naturally repel narcissists, manipulators other other cruel people
On a recent episode of Open Relationships: Transforming Together, dating coach Sabrina Zohar sat down with host Andrea Miller to discuss how to avoid some of the biggest relationship pitfalls — including detecting manipulative, cruel people before you let them into your life.
People who repel narcissists almost always have one thing in common: they've done enough "inner work" to be able to break toxic habits and detect unkind people from the jump.
In other words, if you keep attracting the same type of person, that likely means you've never truly healed and done the inner work. That doesn't mean you deserve bad treatment — nobody does — it means that you may have a tool at your disposal to help break the pattern.
How to become the type of person manipulative people are less likely to mess with
As Zohar told the hosts, "To me, 'doing the work' means having to face yourself, having to cultivate a self-awareness, having to bridge the gap [where I accept] all those parts of myself, and learning to love myself authentically."
Zohar underlines that doing the inner work won't automatically mean accepting yourself or loving yourself unconditionally. But that's not what it's about. Rather, doing the work means choosing to put yourself and your healing journey first. It means choosing to acknowledge your flaws and the different parts of yourself. But, how do we get there? A
And "doing the work" won't start with self-care — at least not in the way we think of it.
Zohar adds, "Can we just quit pretending that that's actual, meaningful, lasting self-care? I mean, it's nice, but it's really superficial."
When we talk about self-care we're often led to believe that taking bubble baths and doing our nails will magically help us heal. But that's not inner work, that's relaxation and fun, which are also important. But it's not the work that changes your relationships for the better.
She continues, "What doing the work means is taking radical accountability for my part in things."
It's not self-care we need, but soul care.
Taking accountability is hard. Because, let's face it, we don't want to be the bad guy and admit that we've messed up. If we ghosted someone, if we flaked, if we were rude or selfish, it's important to apologize. If we can't apologize, it's important to simply own up to ourselves about it.
We don't want to admit to the horrible decisions we've made and how it's impacted others. We may not want to look at some of the painful aspects of our past. But, if you never take a clear accounting of your experiences (or accountability, when necessary) then you'll never grow — it's as simple as that. You'll never heal and you'll always attract the same narcissists, users, and manipulators as before.
Looking at your past may invoke feelings of shame, but you can move past those and see how empowering it is to forgive yourself and let those things go. If you messed up and speak or lash out that's also okay.
Once again, everyone messes up from time to time. However, it's up to us to be an adult and admit to our wrongdoings. That sort of accountability toward others is also accountability toward yourself — and that will naturally start repelling those abusive personalities. After all, they don't want a healthy, balanced, accountable partner!
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.