I Cheated — But The Reasons Why Will Save Your Own Marriage
I cheated, but it helped me understand myself better.
GeorgeRudy | Getty Images Pro / Monkey Busines Images | Canva There are plenty of reasons men have affairs, I know ... because I've been there. Sometimes we cheat for emotional reasons, and other times it's purely physical. Often it's other issues, like after starting a family, men sometimes stop seeing their partner as their fantasy because now she's the mother of their kids.
Yes, I've cheated. It's time for me to come clean about my reasons. I only ask that you don't condemn or judge me for what I did. I'm not a cheater; it's not in my nature.
Committing infidelity is not something I set out to do, nor is it something I really choose to do during relationships. I cheated because I wasn't able to communicate what I wanted or that I wasn't happy. I didn't want to hurt the woman I was with by breaking up and doing the right thing. I admit it.
I was a loser, a wimp, a coward. The few times I cheated, I should've broken up with the woman I was with, but I knew breaking up would hurt her so I had a little bit of extracurricular activity instead.
About 10 years ago, I was with a woman for a long time. She was amazing in every way — sweet, warm, and loving. I was with her for five years, but I just didn't feel the oomph between us. I wasn't that into her physically. I could never look at her in that primal way I wanted to look at a partner. We just didn't have that incredible energy between us.
We had an incredible friendship and great love, but my childhood taught me that I could never get attention from the woman I really wanted. That woman was my mother (may she rest her soul in peace). My mother was a beautiful woman with an unfulfilled life. She never had what she truly wanted, and married a man she wasn't that attracted to, a man she didn't love very much. Watching my mother's relationship taught me that I couldn't have everything.
I know many men and women with the same exact programming — we all believe we can't have everything, so we compromise, and that's our biggest mistake. You see, what I want in a relationship is a best friend. I want somebody I can communicate with openly and honestly in every way.
What I desire is for a woman to show her naughty side. I want us to have great intimacy and be lovers without judgment. When I was younger, I had my old programming in me that I couldn't have what I wanted. I was actually depressed in so many of my relationships, so I'd settle into them, but never really got what I wanted because I believed it was too much to ask.
I thought it was unattainable, but slowly I changed the way I looked at things. In that long-term, five-year relationship, I honestly just couldn't get excited by her in bed, so I started cheating. I think I only slept with one other woman, but had many emotional affairs (and that's the same thing).
I started having emotional affairs: email exchanges, meeting up with women, and going out to lunches. We had intense chemistry, but we had something else, too: a strong emotional connection and friendship. I started to realize I didn't need to settle. I could have great chemistry with someone who I connected with as a friend.
We ended up breaking up because (you guessed it) I got caught cheating. She read an email exchange between me and one of the women. The affair was far more emotional than physical. As I said, I've only cheated one time in my life by actually being intimate with somebody, but that's not who I am. The affairs were really guiding lights for me that showed me I can have everything I'm looking for.
After I finally got caught and we broke up, we actually became really good friends. The situation made me realize that being honest is the only way to go. It changed the way I am in relationships, and it changed the way I communicate. I'm more honest; and more open.
I evaluate things from the get-go, and if I don't feel what I need to feel, I won't stay with someone. You have one shot at life, one shot to find love, one shot to find what you want. There's no reason to settle with someone who's going to frustrate you mentally, emotionally, and physically for years and years.
So, if you're single, look at your needs, wants, and desires and try to align them with the people you meet. If you're married (or in a relationship) and you've cheated, try to find the deeper message. Look at the reasons why you cheated in the first place.
Explore it the same way I did, and you will hopefully come to terms with it. Have you been depressed in your relationships? Maybe you think you don't deserve to have it all, the same way I used to.
I exposed myself today in good faith asking you not to judge. I don't judge you either. Not all men cheat, but figuring out why you did could be the key to your happiness.
David Wygant is a dating coach who spent the past 20 years helping men and women transform their love lives. As a lead writer for Ask Men and Huffington Post, his advice has been offered across television, newspapers, and magazines, including MTV, The New York Times, MSNBC, Fox News, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, E! Entertainment Television, and more.