Why I Can't Be Your Side Girl Anymore
This relationship hurts more than it heals.
cottonbro studio / Pexels via Canva By Kristen Buccigrossi
I can’t do this anymore.
Be this girl that is almost there, but not really. Be the girl that is so close to getting what she wants, but knows that you won’t let it happen. Be the girl that you run to when you need attention, but don’t have to call at the end of the day.
Be the girl that is good for a night in bed, but not for a night out on the town. I can’t be your go-to girl anymore.
A booty call is too harsh a term for what we do. Dating is far too loose for the people that we are. Every time I look at a definition that could explain exactly what is happening here, it is like I find myself stuck in a maze, with no way out.
A joke to get out of the seriousness of the situation is all that I ever hear from you. Every time I look for what the future can bring, I find myself backtracking the history of us and knowing that some things will never change.
You will never take that step forward with me.
You are happy where we are. You get what you want when you want it. You have no restrictions, you have no requirements, you have no rules.
You don’t have to call. You don’t have to be there if you don’t want to. You don’t have to meet the family. You don’t have to meet your friends. You don’t even have to be that shoulder I cry on at the end of a long day.
And even when I fight back, looking for more from you, you find a way out of it. This is where you are content and this is where it shall stay.
But I am not okay. I never wanted this in the first place.
I was upfront from the beginning. I never wanted this type of relationship; I made an exception for you thinking things would change.
I wanted to go on dates. I wanted you to call. I wanted you to meet the people that matter to me. I wanted to cry on your shoulder. I have always wanted to at least try to have something more with you, but my words mean nothing when it comes to us.
It has always been about you.
I can’t talk to you and not get my hopes up thinking that you will change your mind. I can’t look into your eyes and know that you aren’t ever going to be mine.
I can’t lay next to you thinking that this could be perfect and that I am the only one who is feeling this way. I can’t take another moment of not being taken seriously or knowing that my feelings are the last in line.
I can’t waste another moment thinking that things are going to change and that I could be missing out on someone else who would be willing to give me the things that I am looking for. Someone who is looking to actually be with me.
My heart is on a string, dangling in front of you. What you say goes. What I say goes by the wayside. I am constantly in a holding pattern, waiting for your next move.
This relationship hurts more than it heals.
This relationship makes me question more about myself than it does to enjoy those little, precious moments. This relationship is nothing that I need and everything I desperately wanted in all of the wrong ways.
I’m putting it all out on the line; this is the last time. I can’t take another moment of being your side girl, your drive-by.
Something has to change, something has to go my way. I can’t take another minute of being just another girl that you call when you need something.
I need to be more than just the girl in your bed at the end of the night.
Kristen Buccigrossi is a writer and Pittsburgh on-air radio personality whose work has been published on Huffington Post, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, YourTango, and Unwritten.