The Breakup Trick That Boosts Your Chances Of Marrying Your Next Love
Exit interviews aren't just for jobs anymore.
Dmitriy Zub, Dean Drobot, Peopleimages.com | Canva I remember when I sat across the desk from my boss as an intern. I had gotten fired, and well … I can’t blame them. As an employee in software QA, I absolutely sucked.
Generally speaking, you want someone who is competent and interested in software engineering — not someone who checked out and couldn’t find a bug if it killed them.
My boss handed me my pink slip, and he said, "You know, you really hated this job and it’s so obvious. Why did you even choose this career track? You’re not going to get paid well if you refuse to work."
Sometimes, the harshest truths are the ones you need to hear. I took the slip and dropped out of college soon after. This little story might seem to have nothing to do with marriage, but it actually has everything to do with it.
You see, exit interviews are an incredibly smart idea for all parties involved.
When I was single, I started to hold "exit interviews" with myself after a breakup.
A very wise person told me that breakups aren’t just an end to relationships, but a learning experience. You know what? He’s absolutely right.
Each breakup has something to teach you if you allow it to be a teacher. Otherwise, you’ll keep running into the same issues in your next relationship.
Learning from past mistakes means you need to ask the right questions and answer them honestly.
You need to start a dialogue with yourself about your relationship.
Here are 10 questions to ask yourself if you want to learn from your breakup:
1. Were there any warning signs that I ignored that suggested my partner wouldn’t treat me well?
This is a particularly important question to ask if you were abused or used by your ex. The sooner that you recognize the warning signs, the sooner you can break up with the person who shows them next time.
2. Would I have been okay with my ex treating my best friend that way?
This is a good "sanity check" if you are unsure whether you’re in the wrong. If your bestie called you up and said their partner screamed at them, would you be okay with it? Probably not. Act accordingly.
3. What part of the relationship’s failure was my fault?
Even if it’s just 10 percent, you now know what you need to work on to be a better partner or what you should avoid doing in the future.
4. Were there signs that my partner didn’t want to commit, and if so, why did I continue to pursue them?
This was my big game-changer question when it came to dating. I was stuck trying to convince men to put a ring on it, when in reality, it never mattered how many hoops I jumped through. You cannot force a person to commit to you.
Realizing that I was constantly trying to prove myself to people who already made up their minds about me made me realize that I needed to walk away when I didn’t see their commitment to me.
5. Was I truly my best self in the relationship?
Be honest. C’mon. Were you the type of "you" that you could be proud of?
6. What traits did I hate in my ex?
Part of knowing what you want is knowing what you don’t want … and running the moment you see those traits.
7. What do I bring to the table that would make others want to be with me?
Your private parts do not count. Do you have financial stability? Are you well-kept? Do you take care of yourself and others around you?
8. Are there any boundaries that I let them cross that I shouldn’t have done?
Boundaries can be anything from letting them move in, to something as innocuous as drinking milk. If you noticed your partner cross boundaries, then that is a warning sign that you should have been the one to dump them.
9. Did this relationship make me feel good?
If you really think about it, most relationships that end in breakups are not relationships that make you feel good. This is especially true when it comes to making you feel good about yourself.
10. How can I protect myself in the next relationship?
If you found yourself out of money or evicted due to your ex, you need to think about what you need to do to financially protect yourself before that next date.
A relationship "exit interview" is an invaluable way to learn about what you do and don’t want in a relationship.
Most people don’t really take the time to think about all the little aspects of life that can make a relationship fall apart. They tend to be very swept up in emotions, including grief.
There is a certain amount of grieving that even the most messed up relationship will have. You’re not just grieving the person you broke up with. You’re grieving the potential marriage you had, the future you wanted, and the lifestyle you thought you’d get.
Hard as it can be, you need to take a step back and get a full recount of what happened in your relationship. It doesn’t have to be the day of the breakup, but it absolutely should be done before your next date.
In a weird way, being able to do this is a sign that you had a good breakup. It means that you’re starting to figure out what your priorities are, what you want, and if you genuinely feel like you’re in a position where you can be in the right relationship for you.
Sure, it sucks that you ended up losing this person. However, the time to do some self-reflection has never been better. As long as you learn, you’ll be alright.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.