10 'Beige Flags' That Pop Up Right Before Someone Files For Divorce
The signs of divorce couldn't be clearer.
'Beige Flags' That Pop Up Right Before Someone Files For Divorce Reading marital statistics today is akin to viewing a nationwide obituary. The once sacrosanct union has permanently lost its halo and now entered the dead zone, with marital stability taking a nose dive of unprecedented proportions over the last several decades.
As things go, unfortunately, the decline shows no sign of plateauing. According to Jennifer Baker of Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.
If you’re married and reading this, you may want to take note if your marriage is exhibiting any of the following signs or symptoms.
Here are 10 'beige flags' that pop up right before someone files for divorce:
1. Lack of intimacy
When you’d rather lick a toilet than be intimate with your spouse, your marriage is definitely on shaky ground. Intimacy can be viewed as physical or non-physical bonding, where the two of you come together as a unit.
When there is no longer any effort to unite and bond for any given reason, this is certainly a harbinger of underlying problems that need addressing. According to research, about 15% of marriages have a lack of intimacy problem, and one-third of divorces are caused by an intimacy-less marriage.
2. Secrecy
There is secrecy, and then there is Secrecy. Secret email accounts, text messages, or phones are usually a dead giveaway that something is amiss. Husbands and wives are not joined at the hip and individual space allowing for growth is needed in a marriage or any relationship.
Pexels / Jonathan Borba
However, when a spouse exhibits signs of keeping information from you, makes excuses for reasons why, or looks like a “deer in the headlights” when questions arise, such secrecy demeans not only you but the foundations of the marriage itself.
3. Diminution of value
Once upon a time when your courtship was all magic and sparkly, your spouse was Wonder Woman or Superman in your eyes. That was then.
Now, their stock value has plummeted to little or nothing and that tiny gremlin in the back of your head keeps questioning why you married such a loser. When your spouse evolves into “someone you just happen to live with,” it’s time to take a second look at what’s at stake in your marriage.
4. Infidelity
Infidelity, in its myriad forms, can destroy relationships given its violation of trust, one of the top foundations of marriage. And lest we think otherwise, there is such a thing as emotional infidelity, wherein your daydreams or imaginings of your co-worker or former lover far outweigh any satisfaction you currently derive from your spouse.
Once known, the offended partner experiences grief, devastation, and resentment, and may harbor a desire for retaliation, to “even the score,” so to speak.
It takes not only a physical toll but an emotional one as well on both parties. Depending upon the makeup of the spouse, infidelity can be worked out; however, some ramifications of the betrayal can last a lifetime.
5. Tuned out
If you’ve begun to regard your spouse as another potted plant or if you’ve tuned your significant other out to the point where their very presence doesn’t make an indelible mark on your consciousness, then, by all means, realize there’s a shipwreck right beyond the horizon.
6. Repeated arguments
Repeatedly drudging up the same old arguments time and time again with no resolution in sight, or introducing new subjects into the fray, or worse, seeing arguments turn nastier and perhaps physical is a warning sign in any marriage, and shouldn’t be randomly dismissed.
Any argument that even remotely has the possibility for abuse is reason enough to call in a mediator (marriage counselor/coach) if you hope to maintain your relationship.
7. Complaining to friends
Your friends are avoiding you like the plague because you’ve become a one-note record full of complaints all centered around the inadequacies of your spouse.
The person you married is inept, incompetent, and inconsiderate, and these are some of the kinder things you’ve said. Nothing your spouse does is correct. Let’s face it, you want out of the relationship in a really bad way.
8. Using substances or distractions to drown out your problems
Your job sucks, but you find yourself spending a lot of unnecessary time at work to avoid your spouse. Or, your friends have gradually developed more importance than spending time at home.
You’ve noticed your food or alcohol consumption has gone through the roof, and your language has suddenly become replete with expletives you haven’t used in years. At this point, you’re turning your anger/disappointment/ depression/fear . . . you name it . . . in on yourself instead of facing your problems head-on.
9. Commonality
What seems like eons ago, you and your partner enjoyed spending the majority of your time entwined in “togetherness” activities, whether it was bowling, golf, tennis, crossword puzzles, or what have you, complete with laughter and snacks.
Nowadays, the only activity the two of you seem to engage in is sleeping in the same bed . . . emphases on sleeping. If you find the two of you have nothing further in common, understand that you’re drifting away. Unfortunately, when partners drift apart, there are usually other men or women willing to step in and take up the slack.
10. Appearance
You (or your spouse) look like a slob, and quite frankly, couldn't care less. The nonchalant attitude regarding the weight gain, the unruly hair, and the stained teeth all speak volumes of a less-than-enthusiastic desire to look pleasing.
Combined with a take-it-or-leave-it demeanor, the ambiance in your marriage says quite clearly, that the thrill is gone. Unless your spouse is as unkempt as you, you can consider your marriage shipwrecked.
Mari Lyles is a certified life and relationship coach whose articles have appeared in the D.C. area’s Examiner, Pathjoy, and Task. She is a former contributor to the Huffington Post.