11 Behaviors Of A Person Who Is Quietly Falling Out Of Love
Love doesn't usually end with a sudden crash. It takes time to fade and happens almost silently.
Pirat Pirat / Shutterstock Even the most stable relationships ebb and flow. External stressors, like having a baby or losing a job, can erode romance. Emotional distance doesn’t always signal the end of a relationship, but there are certain telling behaviors of a person who is quietly falling out of love.
Falling in love isn’t exactly easy to define. More often than not, being in love is something you just feel, deep in your bones. You know love when you’re in it and you know when you’ve left love behind, despite that loss being hard to admit.
The act of loving someone takes more than just emotion. It requires mutual trust, clear communication, and commitment to building a future together, which can’t exist when one person has one foot out the door.
Here are 11 behaviors of a person who is quietly falling out of love
1. They avoid meaningful conversations
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A person who is quietly falling out of love will avoid having meaningful conversations with their partner. They’ll talk about what they want to do over the weekend or explain the tangled plot of their favorite movie trilogy, but anytime an emotionally significant topic comes up, they shut down completely.
Their avoidance of relational intimacy indicates just how closed off they’ve become. As YourTango expert Dr. Barbara Winter points out, “Communication is a reflection of what's inside.”
Struggling to be open and direct often reveals unspoken turmoil within a relationship. Dr. Winter notes that people tend to believe that any communication breakdown, itself, is the point of concern in their partnership, in reality, “effective communication is not in and of itself often the issue. The issue is whether they are heard, validated, felt, and acknowledged.”
Emotional connection is an essential ingredient in any relationship, as “connection improves not only intimacy but also emotional regulation and resilience.”
“Connection happens in moments. Disconnection happens in moments of rupture. We may have many moments, many times but it is within a moment that we have a break and we can have a repair,” Dr. Winter concludes.
Not talking about the relationship and avoiding any meaningful conversations are subtle behaviors of a person who is quietly falling out of love.
2. They’re not interested in their partner’s experiences
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A person who is quietly falling out of love stops showing interest in their partner’s individual identity and their daily experiences. They might ask how your day was, but they’re not really listening to the answer. They tune out when you tell them about the new project you were assigned to or the clueless comment your boss made in the morning meeting. They’ve stopped caring about the things you care about, because their love for you is fading.
Sometimes, there’s an instigating moment that indicates a relationship is over, but other times, the end is less abrupt. A person who is quietly falling out of love feels a gradual decline in their connection to their partner and their relationship as a whole. They no longer wonder how their goals fit alongside what their partner wants from life, because they don’t foresee a future together. Every small step they take carries them further away from the person they once thought they’d spend their forever with.
A person who is quietly falling out of love is a different version of the person they were at the start of their relationship. There’s nothing inherently wrong with changing in a way that doesn’t align with your partner, but not being honest about your diminishing feelings is an avoidant behavior that causes more pain than is necessary.
3. They display a loss of empathy
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A loss of empathy is another behavior of a person who is quietly falling out of love. If your partner has one foot out the door, their capacity for caring and understanding how you feel will become basically non-existent. They appear indifferent to any pain you’re in and they don’t celebrate your victories, either.
As clinical social worker Lyssa deHart explains, “Empathy is the key to relationships… and helps us become the most successful version of ourselves.”
She describes empathy as “the ability to feel compassion for others in relation to their own experiences. It’s finding a way to recognize ‘me’ in ‘you.’”
“If you have ever wanted to improve a relationship, the willingness to step out of your own perspective and step into the experience of another person is fundamental,” deHart continues. “Your ability to care allows you access to the other person’s emotional landscape. The loss can cause no end of issues.”
She reveals that relearning empathy is possible, as long as a person executes “conscious awareness, intention, and practice,” to build their relationship back up, which usually isn’t something a person who is quietly falling out of love is willing or able to do.
4. They’re critical and dismissive
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Being critical and dismissive are behaviors of a person who is quietly falling out of love. When someone truly cares about you, they show up, period, full stop, They hold space for your imperfections and love the whole of who you are, even though you stand in front of the fridge with the door wide open, wasting electricity while you look for a snack.
A person who is quietly falling out of love will diminish you with criticism and judge you just for existing. Dr. Jerry Duberstein and Mary Ellen Goggin, marriage and couples’ coaches, explain the difference between compassionate critique and harsh criticism, noting that “A major component of the best and strongest relationships is about holding each other accountable at times and communicating constructive feedback in a thoughtful, healthy way.”
They say that, “Criticism in marriage and relationships is an easy pattern to fall into.” Over time, “people get frustrated, tired, angry, and even bored with the ‘same old story’ they're writing in their marriages… Pet peeves and irritations turn into global accusations of ‘always’ and ‘never,’ setting up the accused to be defensive.”
Duberstein and Goggin offer an insightful approach to repair the damage constant criticism causes. “Make emotional, and even spiritual, room for your spouse and all that they need to feel seen, heard, and felt. Be kind to your heart’s guests,” they advise. “Seek to understand and validate what you've been condemning.”
Moving away from criticism requires a person to behave in a way that restores what’s been lost, which isn’t something a person who is quietly falling out of love will do.
5. They prioritize other people over their relationship
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Prioritizing other people over their relationship is the behavior of a person who is quietly falling out of love. During the early days of being together, they made every effort to put you first, but now, they’ve turned their attention elsewhere. They let you fade into the background while they make time to see friends or go to yoga or even work overtime, all of which indicate that their priorities have shifted in a major way.
It’s important not to lose sight of yourself in any relationship, but finding a balance of give and take is a big part of having a successful partnership. When a person is quietly falling out of love, they might not tell you outright. Instead, they’ll configure their schedule so there’s no space for you, which shows they’ve stopped caring for you in the way they once did.
6. They spend more time alone
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A person who is quietly falling out of love spends more time on their own than they do with you. They put themselves first, choosing to be alone more often than not. When you do spend time together, they put up a protective front and disengage from your attempts to get closer. They cancel brunch plans and skip out on date night to sit on the couch, watching TV and scrolling their phones. They find any excuse to be alone, which rubs salt in the wound they’ve opened.
Every stable, nurturing relationship relies on a combination of togetherness and solitude in order to last in the long run. It’s impossible and unhealthy to spend every waking moment with your partner, and it’s equally damaging to put up walls and not let your person in. The concept of self-intimacy can be described as “making time to reflect on who you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going.”
This solitude “gives you space for honest self-assessment as well as self-acceptance,” which allows you to show up authentically in all aspects of your life, especially in the relationships you cultivate with other people. While some form of solitude is essential to keeping a relationship alive, tipping the scale in the other direction and detaching completely is behavior of a person who is quietly falling out of love.
7. They stop expressing gratitude
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Failing to express gratitude is the behavior of a person who is quietly falling out of love. They no longer say “thank you” when you meet their needs and they don’t share any of the little intimacies that made you feel loved and appreciated. Their lack of gratitude shows that they’ve tapped out of the relationship, and now, they’re closing themselves off from you.
Relationship expert and therapist Dr. Terri Orbuch reveals that “a very vital factor in happy relationships is gratitude — making your partner feel valued, loved, and supported with simple acts and behaviors.”
She references the results of a study she conducted, noting that “61% of the happy couples… said that their spouses ‘often’ made them feel good about the kind of person they are, compared to only 27% of the other couples.”
“Practicing gratitude and showing it to your partner will help you fulfill your partner's first two needs: the need for reassurance and the need for intimacy,” Dr. Orbuch explains. Yet a person who is quietly falling out of love puts up a barrier that blocks out intimate connection. They refuse to acknowledge any acts of care and affection you give. All their focus is on planning their exit strategy, since they’ve already emotionally detached from your relationship.
8. They avoid any future planning
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A person who is quietly falling out of love avoids planning for the future together. They shut down any discussion about what your shared life might look like. They tell you they’re not the planning type. They say that they don’t want to put pressure on the partnership you have, but these are just excuses they make to take themselves out of the running for the years to come.
A person who is quietly falling out of love gives vague answers when you want to plan a trip together. They don’t share their long-term goals with you and they keep their hopes and dreams strictly to themselves. They shut down when you ask where they see your relationship going, because they’re quietly falling out of love, and don’t have the courage or inner strength to be honest with you about how they really feel.
9. They get annoyed by small things
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Another behavior of a person who is quietly falling out of love is getting annoyed by small things you do. Their frustration tolerance has dropped, which means that every mistake you make is met with rolled eyes or an exaggerated sigh, or even an argument. They no longer accept your weird habits or distinct quirks with any semblance of affection or understanding. You can’t seem to do anything right, and they let you know that in no uncertain terms.
Issues within your relationship that they used to laugh off now get exacerbated. They’re consistently annoyed, which leads you to walk on eggshells, so you don’t disturb them further or send them into a full rage. They’re entirely unable to let anything go. They hold tightly to anything you did wrong in the past, so they can bring it up later and weaponize your imperfections against you. Their annoyance settles, until your relationship reaches a breaking point, and you realize that it’s really over.
10. They become resentful
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Growing resentful is the behavior of a person who is quietly falling out of love. As their feelings for you erode, they start to keep score, internally marking everything that makes you a bad person. They stop separating who you are at your core from things you’ve done wrong, which creates a deep well of resentment they keep drawing from.
As Dr. Jerry Duberstein and Mary Ellen Goggin explain, “Contempt comes from a build-up of uncommunicated — or miscommunicated — disappointments and dissatisfactions.”
Contempt festers into resentment, which will inevitably break your relationship apart. Duberstein and Goggin reveal that the only way to cauterize contempt is to define what’s fueling it, “so you can begin to find healthy ways to address it. It may be something specific to you and your past and perhaps have nothing at all to do with your partner at all. But you need to do the emotional work to find the fuel behind the fire.”
“It’s difficult to imagine that two people who once had a united vision for love and life could be tragically driven apart by contempt,” they conclude. “It's a lose-lose situation if both partners can’t commit to owning their feelings, actions, and the roles they play in creating a comforting environment for keeping the lines of communication open between the two of them.”
11. They sidestep conflict
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Sidestepping conflict is another behavior of a person who is quietly falling out of love. They don't engage in arguments anymore, but it’s not because they want to keep calm or create a peaceful environment. They avoid airing their grievances because they don’t care about resolving any of the issues in your relationship.
Things that were once worth fighting for no longer seem worth it to them. A person who is quietly falling out of love becomes resigned to sharing a chronically tense existence with a partner they no longer care about.
While it’s never easy to acknowledge the behaviors of a person who is quietly falling out of love, accepting that their feelings have changed will eventually set you free. You deserve so much more than staying stuck in a loveless relationship. You deserve a deep, nourishing partnership that lifts you up. You deserve the world.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.