4 Dating Horror Stories Everyone Who's Tried Tinder Can Totally Relate To

Once upon a lonely time, I downloaded Tinder. I happened to be recently out of a relationship and felt like I was ready to jump back into the pool of dating. After all, I felt I was ready for something serious. What better way to start than with Tinder?

That's probably where it all went wrong. Because those experiences turned into dating horror stories from Tinder.

Where did it all begin? First, I carefully chose a couple of pictures, selected my search criteria, and wrote some sarcastic bio about my mom thinking I'm cool. (I can't defend myself here, I am who I am.)

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I got quite a few matches quickly, which encouraged me to talk to men who messaged me. I got all kinds of messages, ranging from unsolicited pics to compliments, and, weirdly enough, men who matched with me just to critique my appearance. Tinder is a weird place. 

Finally, about two weeks had passed and I decided I was ready to take that first step. I decided to get coffee with a guy I had been casually talking to since the first day.

I was determined to put myself out there and jump in despite being somewhat nervous about it. I told my roommates what I was doing (and shared my location with them as a cautionary measure), tried on a solid 30 outfits, and headed to Starbucks, wondering what I was getting myself into.

Then it all went downhill.

Here are four of my personal Tinder horror stories to remind you of the joys of online dating.

1. He professed his love for me on the first date.

Everything was going well and I could feel myself thinking this date was surprisingly good. He had dressed up and bought my coffee. He told me I looked nice and even pulled out a chair for me when I was sitting down.

I guess chivalry isn't dead? Good to know. 

We spent some time at Starbucks, and things were going so well that I agreed to get lunch at a little Thai place nearby. The food was great, the company was the same, and I was enjoying myself. What a perfect adventure! 

I was just getting to the last few bites of my cashew chicken when he leaned forward, smiled at me, and said three little words: “I love you.”

Of course, the three little words that came to my mind were, “What. The. F***.”And that’s what I said, loudly, just as the waitress appeared to refill our waters. I'll tell you right now, refilling waters takes a lifetime when one person has confessed their love for you on your very first date and then you reply with quite a bit less enthusiasm. 

I love you man did not land a second date.

2. He tried to buy my car ... during a 'romantic' date at Denny's.

This one was a bad experience from the start. We tried to go to my favorite local breakfast place that has the best eggs benedict in town. It's cute, has great staff, a fun environment. 

Unfortunately, the wait time was about an hour so I suggested we go somewhere else. We don't have any shortage of breakfast spots around here and I was ready to suggest a few others when he suggests we go to another classic breakfast spot: Denny's.

OK, sure. Denny's is the place I find myself with friends at 2 AM because we wanted a milkshake and fries, you know, at two in the morning, when there's no other option. Or, when you're on a road trip and you have to stop at Denny's at least once because that's what you do. But alright, breakfast date at Denny's it is. 

By the time we sat down, I already had an inkling that it's going to be a no from me if he asked for another date. At this point, he had told me all about his favorite protein powder and how much he benches. 

Time passed, we ordered food, and I was doing a lot of nodding and wondering if this guy was ever going to ask me a single question about myself. Finally, the question he chose to ask was what kind of car I drive. I mentioned that I was currently saving up to buy my first car. 

"Oh, no way! That's actually awesome because I'm selling my car! So what's your budget? I'm thinking of selling it for like $5,000! That's pretty reasonable, don't you think? You in?"

Spoiler alert: I was not in.

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3. He didn't understand consent and refused to apologize.

I decided to give the dice another roll, figuring that a couple of bad dates doesn't mean that the whole app is bad. I'm an optimistic person, you guys. I just wanted one normal man. Apparently, that's hard to find. 

For our first date, we went to Starbucks (I just like coffee, judge me). It was a smooth date; no awkward conversations, no confessions of love. We geeked out over some movies we liked and chatted about school and work. I agreed to a second date. 

This time, we went to see a movie. It was a movie I was actually excited about seeing, right? So here I am, minding my own business and munching on delicious movie theater popcorn and this dude will not stop trying to feel me up. Not only did I stop him twice, but he had the gall to try a third time and then tried to play it off as a funny joke.

I was annoyed so I told him I was over it. It was as simple as that.

The next day, he texted me an essay, begging for another chance or at least the chance to apologize. He asked to meet at a local coffee shop, which I agreed to. He gave me this whole speech about how he hadn't been on a date in a while and just got too excited.

I nodded along to what he had said, but got no further before he said, "OK great, so now that that's over we can talk about my deal breakers." My jaw hit the floor. The audacity! I shot him down once and he didn't even get through an apology before he wanted to talk about his deal breakers? 

"I'm gonna need you to tell me your opinions on abortion and gun control," he said confidently, staring into my eyes, unflinching. You know that meme of Michael Scott yelling, "NO, GOD PLEASE, NO"? That was me. 

4. He tried to choke me.

At this point, I was about ready to give up on love forever. It's not like I was blindly going on dates with random men. I took my time talking, getting to know them, and then as soon as we meet — BAM. Everything changes. It seems like the only logical option is to give up.

However, my plan was interrupted when Brad came along.  He was a nice guy and very laid back. He was OK waiting until I felt comfortable going out and he'd call me during his drive home from work just to chat. I thought he seemed sweet. 

We made plans to go to the beach, a beautiful little park on the marina, just to hang. It was a stunning afternoon. The sun was shining and kids were playing. Some photographer actually asked if they could take our picture because we were "just so cute" and they were doing a feature on couples in the area.

We talked for hours about random things and I found myself settling in and letting my guard down. We even realized we had some mutual friends from high school! The best word I could think of to describe this date at the time was "wholesome." Boy... was I wrong. 

During our first date, he mentioned one of his favorite movies, and I admitted that I'd never seen it. He suggested we should watch it, and said we could do it at my place to make me feel more comfortable. 

So we were watching this movie and he kissed me. It was a quick, but sweet little peck and I was very OK with that. Finally, I told him he should go soon because I had to leave for work in about an hour. We chatted for a few more minutes and then decided it was time to part ways. I began to walk him out.

Right before I opened the front door he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back against his body.

"Next time I see you, would you think it would be sexy if I did this?" he whispered as he kissed the back of my neck, which, yeah, a girl can get on board with that. And then... he reached around and choked me! — and I mean choked me hard. I'm not even exaggerating, I thought I was going to die. I was the next Tinder victim; I thought I was going to be murdered. 

So I slammed my elbow back into his gut and we were both gasping for air as he stuttered an apology. I shoved him out the door and locked it behind him.

I've never gotten an apology text so fast in my life, but if I learned anything from the last guy, I wasn't about to fall for that again either. It's a no from me.

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Beth El Fattal is a writer who covers astrology, pop culture, and relationship topics.