Why Drinking Coffee Makes Your Boobs Smaller
Yikes.
BublikHaus / Shutterstock Finally, an explanation for why I'm as flat-chested as a 10-year-old boy: my copious coffee consumption. It has nothing to do with genetics or the fact that I wore the wrong size bra for half of my high school career!
Blame Starbucks! Blame Starbucks! (Sung to the tune of "Blame Canada" on South Park.) Blame Dunkin, blame Peet's Coffee, I'm running out of coffee chains to blame!
Swedish researchers discovered, that drinking lots of coffee reduces the size of women's boobs. (Don't researchers study anything important anymore, like a cure for cancer? Or why do men act the way they do? Or why Josh hasn't called me back yet?)
The chief oncologist of the study, Helena Jernstroem, was observing data linking large-breasted women to an increased risk of a breast cancer diagnosis when she found the link between coffee and breasts.
The correlation is that those ladies who drink three cups of coffee per day can decrease the odds of breast cancer. At this point, I'm going to buy every different kind of coffee I can find. I only want Starbucks gift cards for every holiday now.
The Swedish studies (conducted using 270 women) found that about half of women carry the gene that is responsible for the boob shrinkage in coffee drinkers. I really wish that I had been a cool girl who got into something like chai tea or Jasmine leaves, but I really just love caffeine more.
Jernstroem assured us, "They will get smaller but the breasts aren't just going to disappear." Well, that's some kind of a relief at least.
Though she did add, "Anyone who thinks they can tell which women are coffee drinkers just from their bra measurements will be disappointed." Adding, "The problem is that there are two measures for a bra — the cup size and the girth, so you wouldn't be able to tell."
Good thing that the myth of all men drooling over large boobs is just that: a myth. As if I would ever let a man's opinion stop me from enjoying coffee.
Therefore, we tiny-cup-sizes can keep on sipping our flat whites with wild abandon!
At the end of the day, you're gonna like what you like. Don't let what you like to do be dictated by society or some scientists from a different country. Bra size doesn't matter, and if it did, I would still choose coffee.
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Editor's Note: This article was originally posted on February 26, 2016.
Alex Alexander is a pseudonym. The author of this article is known to YourTango but is choosing to remain anonymous.