7 Tiny Ways To Show Someone With Depression That You Really, Truly (Really) Care
People dealing with depression don't need your advice, but they do need you to be there for them.
seb_ra from Getty Images We've all been impacted by depression in some way — either personally, witnessing someone we care about struggle through it, or simply living in a world where 280 million people live with depression. The good news is we're collectively starting to realize that depression is something we need to talk more about because it touches us all in some way.
As the stigma around this all-too-common mental health issue fades, we're finding opportunities to show up for and support people with depression in better, healthier, more helpful ways.
Matthias James Barker, a licensed psychotherapist who deals with topics such as trauma and narcissism, is an expert at navigating how to show up with empathy for others. Barker shared seven ways to help someone with depression that are genuinely helpful for the recipient. You'll notice that "give unsolicited advice" didn't make the cut.
7 Ways To Show Someone With Depression That You Truly Care And Are There For Them
1. Ask them to keep you company doing something you planned to do alone.
Be involved with your loved one and show up. Come up with some ideas for things to do together that will give you an excuse to see them and give them something positive to focus on, even if just for an hour.
Barker suggests asking them something like: "Hey I'm in the mood for s’mores, but it feels weird making them alone. Can I bring stuff to your place and make them with you?"
Most importantly, give your loved one the option to accept or reject your proposal. You never want to "force" someone with depression to do something that could make their symptoms worse.
2. Invite them to walk with you (especially if you have a dog).
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, inviting someone out for a walk is a great way to show support. And when we look at the science, it shows just how beneficial outings are.
UC Davis Health states that the benefits of getting out in nature include:
- Improved concentration
- Improved problem-solving capabilities
- Improved creativity
- Improved physical wellness
- Improved mental health and sleep schedule
There's a good chance they won't say yes, but don't let that stop you from asking them again the next time, and the time after that.
When we're depressed it's easy to isolate ourselves. Even just knowing someone is thinking about you enough to ask you to join them for an outing can help remind someone they're not alone.
3. Offer to help with the small stuff.
A loss of motivation is common among people suffering from depression. According to registered nurse and medical writer Rachel Nall, "Depression is a condition that causes feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a loss of motivation, as well as other symptoms.”
This loss of motivation can severely impact someone's ability to do chores or even go grocery shopping. Barker reminds us that offers to do these things are key to supporting someone who feels stuck in depression's grasp. Though it may be a small favor — it can impact them more than you think.
And remember that a "no thanks" or "I'm fine" may not mean they don't want your help in some way. They might just need you to body-double for them while they do it.
4. Come up with reasons to see them in person.
Sometimes you have to make the first move to get anywhere with your loved one. Try coming up with an excuse to come visit them.
Tell them, "I’ve been getting into watercolor, I want to paint your cat (she’s adorable), do you mind if I come over tonight," writes Barker.
Any excuse that's random and casual enough to allow rejection without feelings of guilt is a good place to start, but also keep it genuine. People with depression can be extra sensitive to feeling like a burden and are quick to pick up on insincere efforts.
Once you're there, keep the mood loving and supportive — complimenting them on little things you notice can go a long way to brighten their day. And remember it's ok to laugh and keep things lighthearted if that feels appropriate.
5. Make sure they’re eating.
Depression can completely wipe away your appetite — which can be bad in the long run. Or even if you are hungry, as we discussed already, tasks like grocery shopping and cooking can feel insurmountable when you have depression.
According to licensed counselor Arielle Cohen, “Depression can deplete a person’s energy to the point that chewing food is exhausting.”
If you want to help, try inviting them to dinner. Say, “I’d like to make you dinner, is pasta okay with you? 6 o’clock okay," writes Barker. This line of questioning allows the decision-making to be in their hands.
Other ways to feed someone with depression:
- Send them e-gift cards to food delivery services, like Uber Eats, or grocery delivery services.
- Grocery shop for essentials and pantry staples, drop the bags off at their doorstep and don't forget to text to check that they brought them in.
- Bring by a plate of whatever you had for dinner — but be sure it's a disposable plate so they don't have to worry about getting your dishes back to you.
6. Ask for their help or even just their presence.
Everyone wants to feel needed — especially people with depression because there's a natural tendency to feel unwanted and alone when depressed.
According to Crystal Raypole, “Depression can affect your interest in social interaction making it difficult to reach out. You might feel worthless, guilty, or believe other people don’t want to spend time with you.”
So, ask your loved one to help in small ways you think they would be happy to do. Or simply ask them to keep you company. “Will you go with me to the library? I could use some company. I’ll pick you up," is a script Barker suggests.
Let them know that they are still important to you, and that they bring value to your life.
7. Ask for their opinion.
Feeling valued is crucial for anyone going through depression. According to writer Robyn Russell, feelings of worthlessness and guilt are common among people who struggle with depression. So, as trivial as it may sound — ask your loved one's opinion.
Example: “I’m trying to nail down a cookie recipe. Will you be a taste tester for me? Come over; I’ll need your opinion. I can even pick you up if needed.” Small comments and requests such as these can go a long way to make someone feel appreciated and valued during their depressive state.
Depression can be scary — not only for the people dealing with it but also for the people watching their loved ones impacted by it. It can seem like a huge, overwhelming thing, and like maybe it requires huge actions and very serious advice to be conquered. But, it's really quite the opposite.
What people with depression need most is other people who continually show up and show that they care, even in the tiniest ways.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.