Your Husband’s Parents Were Probably Toxic If He Uses These 11 Phrases
Childhood trauma lingers for much longer than people realize.
Velimir Zeland | Shutterstock It’s impossible to ignore the impact that childhood experiences and trauma have on your adult experience. According to a study from the BMC Public Health Journal, it’s not uncommon for these experiences to linger in adult children later in life, affecting their ability to form meaningful relationships, take care of their physical and emotional well-being, and even cope with stress. But it’s not impossible to acknowledge and heal those traumas. Many people who’ve struggled with adversity early in life have a greater capacity for resilience and empathy down the road.
So, if you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage and notice that your partner is struggling with specific behaviors or speaking about their childhood trauma from a rigid mindset, just know: it’s possible to overcome and make peace with these struggles — but first, you have to recognize it. Your husband’s parents were probably toxic if he uses these phrases — by identifying them as they come up, it’s possible to build a safe space for better communication, empathy, and healing.
Your husband’s parents were probably toxic if he uses these 11 phrases:
1. ‘I’m fine’
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A great deal of men, both with childhood trauma and without, deal with patriarchal societal expectations that are detrimental to their emotional well-being. Encouraged to adopt the misguided belief that emotions are “a weakness” or that true masculinity lies in avoidance, rigidity, and coldness early in life, many men enter into marriages suppressing their emotions and carrying around a lot of unnecessary resentment and anger.
Using phrases like “I’m fine” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” these male partners avoid the discomfort of vulnerability, a kind of communication and bonding they couldn’t find with their parents growing up.
Vulnerability, between parents and their children or even marital spouses, is the key to building trust. Without it, people operate in a constant state of anxiety, unsure of what to say, how to act, or how best to support others in challenging times.
2. ‘It’s not a big deal’
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According to a study from the Behavior Therapy journal, people who experience childhood trauma tend to struggle with specific barriers around social interactions and relationship building later in life, mainly because they were taught to minimize their feelings and suppress complex emotions.
Whether it’s because they weren’t taken seriously by their parents or faced some discomfort, anger, or punishment from their parents for expressing these emotions, husbands who use phrases like “it’s not a big deal” in their marriages now view vulnerability as a kind of weakness or “bad habit.”
When they needed support and affection as kids, they were met with hostility, which negatively reframed their innate desire to express emotions and bond with people on a vulnerable level. Rather than face the potential backlash of opening up, they minimized their emotions and “people-pleased” to make everyone else comfortable at the expense of their own internal well-being.
3. ‘You’re overreacting’
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Kids typically build their social skills and learn how to interact with other people from their parents. Whether it’s watching their modeled behavior or being the other person they’re interacting with, toxic parents who rely on behaviors like gaslighting or blame-shifting to get what they want, encourage their kids to adopt similar habits.
For example, a husband using the gaslighting phrase “you’re overreacting” to dismiss his partner’s feelings and emotions has likely heard the same phrase from his parents growing up. He was taught that emotions should be hidden and private, so any expression feels uncomfortable and invalid.
Of course, healthy relationships are founded on healthy, honest communication—if your partner isn’t able to be vulnerable, actively listen when you need support, or express emotions, it might be time to acknowledge the root issues.
4. ‘I guess I’m just a bad husband’
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Many men who’ve experienced childhood trauma were taught that making mistakes or doing something wrong made them “a failure.” Their parents never took the time to teach them why they were bad or help them learn from their mistakes, either, so they were left to worry and fret over how to avoid trouble again.
Conflict and arguments can be especially triggering in adulthood, urging husbands and partners to resort to that anxious mentality when they feel they’ve done something wrong. In a healthy relationship, a partner expressing their emotions, vocalizing their concerns, or setting boundaries can be vulnerable. Still, for husbands with toxic parents, it feels offensive and sometimes like an attack.
5. ‘You sound just like my mom’
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Your husband’s parents were probably toxic if he uses phrases like “you sound just like my mom” or "dad, guardian, grandparent,” etc.
Often, children who grew up in toxic or unstable homes live in a constant state of “fight-or-flight,” where their nervous system is always on guard for potential threats. In adulthood, triggering language — sometimes even casual phrases or behaviors — can trigger their nervous system back into that defensive mode, making them less vulnerable, more avoidant, and even angry.
They can serve as a reminder of the unnecessary and misguided judgment, deceit, and criticism their parents gave to them growing up, making certain phrases and language feel unsuspectingly triggering with a new partner.
6. ‘Just tell me what to do’
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Many kids who grew up in a constant state of anxiety, trying to avoid conflict and people-pleasing for their parents, struggled to grow into their own authentic identity. They were more concerned with their toxic parents’ wants and needs than their own, so they didn’t have the opportunity to practice fundamental traits like self-awareness, emotional resilience, or even a sense of self-worth.
In adulthood, not having a set of values, beliefs, or even an identity to inform your decisions can be disorienting, encouraging husbands to look to their partners for guidance.
It’s also ingrained into our patriarchal structure, making it hard for many husbands to unlearn — women are intended to be “the organizers” and “the planners,” so men shouldn’t need to be burdened with decision-making or figuring out what to do, they’re told.
7. ‘But, I didn’t mean to’
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Many kids with childhood trauma were demonized for making mistakes — they weren’t approached with the same kind of grace that healthy parents offered, so they were forced to overexplain, hide, or defend themselves when someone pointed out their perceived flaws to their parents.
In their marriages now, having a partner who expresses their needs and points out misbehavior often feels like a personal attack, bringing them right back to their childhood tendencies of defensiveness or avoidance. A casual argument can feel overwhelming, even if the partner seeks support or a chance to grow together.
8. ‘Let’s just drop it’
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For husbands who’ve experienced childhood trauma, it’s not uncommon for them to use phrases like “let’s just drop it” in an argument to avoid conflict. Considering conflict was a threat for danger at home growing up, similar conversations and debates in their marriages feel threatening, sparking anxiety over deep-rooted fears of abandonment, judgment, or rejection.
However, healthy arguments are possible — the right kinds of conflict are essential for growth and trust in a marriage. But when a partner actively avoids these conversations and tries to avoid expressing their own emotions, this kind of healthy communication and trust suffers.
9. ‘Are you mad at me?’
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According to psychologist Geralyn Dexter, the behaviors and habits modeled by toxic parents early in adulthood tend to feed into adult children’s fears of abandonment and rejection, even in their marriages and long-term relationships outside of the home. It’s the same reason why many children with childhood trauma from their parents adopt people-pleasing tendencies — they’ve been taught to protect the peace at home and avoid any behaviors or conversations that could lead to anger.
In their marriages, husbands with toxic parents may use phrases like “Are you mad at me?” when they notice a shift in their partner’s energy. They’re less attuned to their own emotions and behaviors, but incredibly aware and hypervigilant toward others, crafting an unhealthy balance where their needs and desires are often unfulfilled.
10. ‘Why are you always blaming me?’
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Healthy communication strategies can often feel uncomfortable for people with deep-rooted childhood trauma because it feels like a personal attack. Even expressions of emotions or casual arguments spark a sense of anxiety inside them, encouraging them to retreat, become defensive, or get angry at their partners.
It’s often impossible for one person to bear the burden of responsibility for an unhealthy partnership — it’s a two-way street where both spouses play a role in crafting the dynamic. However, for husbands with childhood trauma, any discussion about misbehavior or growth feels like a personal attack, because growing up with their parents, it was.
11. ‘Crying doesn’t fix anything’
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Men with childhood trauma, especially involving a patriarchal and traditional male role model, tend to demonize emotional expression and vulnerability. They learn the false belief that, as men, they should avoid crying, expressing their emotions, or even admitting when they’re hurt, for the sake of their misguided masculinity.
While this might feel like a protective measure or a defense mechanism growing up, it can quickly sabotage the health and well-being of long-term relationships in adulthood. Not only does it sabotage clear and healthy communication, but it also sparks division between partners who are now unable to express their needs or have productive arguments without demonizing each other’s emotions.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
