You Did A Good Job Raising Your Kids If They Have These 11 Skills As Adults
If your kids know how to do these things, give yourself a big round of applause.
Look Studio / Shutterstock Raising kids takes deep wells of patience, high levels of emotional intelligence, and some serious grit and determination. As a parent, you take on many roles at once. As far as practical needs go, you’re the referee for sibling rivalry, the chauffeur, and the chef. You kiss scraped knees and celebrate every little win your kids have.
Ultimately, you’re the point person for your kids’ journey through life. As they say, there’s no how-to manual for this particular job, which makes it hard to know if you’re making the right decisions. A survey of 3,700 parents found that their biggest concerned for their children relate to their mental health, financial stability, and job satisfaction. As a parent, you hope to instill your kids with a strong sense of self-confidence, along with the ability to be independent and create lasting relationships. You’ll know you did a good job raising your kids if they have these skills as adults.
You did a good job raising your kids if they have these 11 skills as adults
1. They can be self-reflective
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You did a good job raising your kids if they have the skills they need to be self-reflective. In order to be truly self-reflective, people have to look at themselves in their entirety. If they only focus on parts they like and gloss over their more imperfect parts, they won’t actually know who they are, which limits their ability to improve.
The more someone reflects on who they are and how they want to exist in the world, the higher their level of self-awareness becomes. Self-aware people acknowledge their strengths and take note of their growth points. They understand what triggers them and they know how to navigate their more difficult emotions.
Life coach Debra Smouse describes “the mighty power of self-awareness” as “the ability to observe ourselves and understand why we react and how we behave in our lives.”
“Awareness is not only accepting what we discover about ourselves, but it also helps us make informed decisions about the changes we want to make in our lives,” she explains. “It's a tool that allows us to better manage our thoughts, motivations, and emotions.
“Learning to improve self-awareness allows us to make better choices and curate a lifestyle that makes us feel engaged and alive,” Smouse concludes.
Through the process of looking at their lives and evaluating what’s important to them, your kids get one step closer to living as their most authentic selves, which is a sign you did a good job raising them.
2. They can hear feedback without getting defensive
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You did a good job raising your kids if they can hear feedback without getting defensive or emotionally reactive. It’s never easy for people to hear that they’re doing something wrong or that someone is disappointed in their behavior, yet an emotionally intelligent person is able to receive feedback graciously and really hear the other person’s perspective. If your kids can take constructive critique without letting it define their entire worth, you did a good job raising them.
Peak performance specialist and PhD candidate Shade Zahrai shared a four-step process to help people embody a growth mindset around receiving feedback, starting with expressing gratitude.
Zahrai suggests saying, “Thanks for bringing that to my attention” or “I appreciate you letting me know about that,” both of which show that you’re open to what’s being said. The next step is to seek clarity, which involves asking for examples of a different way to handle a situation along with what could be done better next time.
“Be curious and have empathy,” Zahrai advises. “Have a mindset of, ‘I wonder what led this person to feel this way.’ You can respond with, ‘That’s an interesting observation, can you tell me more about that?’ or ‘Do you have any specific examples?’”
The last step in the process is to show initiative about how you’ll implement the feedback. “Set goals about how you’ll implement the feedback,” Zahrai says. “Set yourself smart goals and track your progress to show how well you’ve taken on the feedback over time.”
She adds a bonus step, which is to “proactively ask for more” feedback, like asking, “What else would help me take my performance to the next level?”
Her method focuses on using feedback for self-improvement instead of seeing it as proof that you’re undeserving or unworthy. Flipping your internal narrative allows you to see yourself in a positive light, even when the feedback you’re receiving isn’t positive.
3. They know how to cope with stress
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Another way to know you did a good job raising your kids is if they can cope with stress in a healthy way. They don’t let stress or anxiety debilitate them and they don’t lean on maladaptive coping mechanisms, like ruminating, engaging in negative self-talk, or emotionally numbing as a form of escape. Instead, they rely on the inner strength you gave them to handle pressure without harming their well-being.
Life coach Alex Mathers shares a stress cure that offers immediate relief, noting that worrying about a problem doesn’t actually solve it.
“When we stop worrying, we give space for fresh wisdom to emerge effortlessly,” he reveals. “See the secret beauty in being okay with uncertainty. Your magic is in letting go of your wishes and taking the tiniest, most obvious step right now.”
“Think of three things you’re proud of,” he advises. “Write down your top three ‘causes’ of stress. Then write down the best solution that applies to each. For each solution write down one, next tiny step towards handling it. Now your stress is on paper, out of mind, and you know what to do next.”
“Sit for a moment, and watch all the sensations arising in your body,” Mathers instructs, noting the power of mindfulness to bring people back into the present moment.
“Your awareness is like a bright torch — one that can melt away the strain,” he concludes.
4. They give to others with expecting anything in return
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If your kids display generosity without expecting anything in return, you did a good job raising them. Generosity can be framed in a transactional way, meaning that a person offers their support only because they want something back for it. Being transactionally generous isn’t true generosity, but rather, a self-serving behavior.
If you raised your kids to meet their own needs while being generous with their time and energy around other people, they’ve proven themselves to be successful, empathic adults.
As Mind Matters Psychology Practice explains in an Instagram post, “Empathy isn’t just a natural trait. It’s actually a skill that can be learned, even towards people we don’t know.”
“Kindness is more than behavior. The art of kindness means harboring a spirit of helpfulness, as well as being generous and considerate, and doing so without expecting anything in return. Kindness is a quality of being,” they shared.
By teaching your kids that kindness is an action they can take, you did a good job raising them.
5. They know how to assert themselves
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If your kids can assert themselves in a respectful way, without being aggressive or passive, you did a good job raising them. You showed them how to set boundaries at a young age, which translated into how they conduct themselves as adults. They know their worth and they know how to protect their inner peace.
They know how to communicate their needs and apply the skills of self-advocacy in various situations, whether in a professional or personal setting. They set clear limits around how they want to be treated and what they’re willing to do for others. They know that casting their own needs aside is a sign of people-pleasing, which will only lead to resentment and frustration.
As adults, your kids are able to speak up for themselves, which is ultimately an act of true self-care. They believe in their right to say no and prioritize their own emotional well-being, which shows you did a good job raising them.
6. They set long-term goals
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Setting long term goals for themselves as adults is another skill that shows you did a good job raising your kids. You steered them away from the trap of instant gratification and taught them that putting time and effort into making their dreams a reality is worth the wait. Their goals are wide-ranging, spanning from the career path they want to achieve to the kinds of relationships they want to build.
In setting their goals, your kids don't hold themselves to standards that will be impossible to reach. Instead, they live according to their own system of values, which leads them toward being the best versions of themselves. They know what they want and they know how to put in the work to get there, which is a sign you did a really good job raising them.
7. They foster a sense of self-worth from within
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If your kids can foster a sense of self-worth from within, rather than relying on external validation, you did a good job raising them. While they’re aware that receiving praise from other people makes them feel good about themselves, they know that the path to true self-acceptance lies within.
An article published in “Frontiers in Psychology” cites a 1988 study that looked at how people make themselves feel better when facing a threat to their self-esteem. While some people relied on rationalizing their feelings, others boosted their self-esteem by thinking about the things that mattered most to them.
The study authors define this process as “self-affirmation,” noting that it involves “restoring one’s overall self-image through various strategies such as acts of kindness or generosity, focusing on one’s personal values or important social relationships or recalling one’s personal resources such as strengths and attributes, positive traits, skills and performances.”
As adults, your kids find meaning in the values they live by and the morals that guide them through. They feel inherently worthy and they know that they’re always enough, because you did a good job raising them to believe in themselves.
8. They can work collaboratively
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Being able to work collaboratively is a skill that shows you did a good job raising your kids. Having this particular skill sets your kids up to lead a productive and successful life, both at work and in their personal relationships. They can integrate what they think with other people’s ideas and they truly believe in the power of teamwork.
You taught them to have intellectual humility, which means they’re highly intelligent yet they recognize that they don’t know everything. This mindset shows that they’re flexible and open to hearing other perspectives. They’re willing to try different approaches to solving problems and they’re always ready to engage in a conversation about their growth points. They pitch in and pull their own weight, without needing to shine a spotlight on themselves, which means you did a good job raising them.
9. They prioritize their health
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If your kids prioritize their health, you did a good job raising them. They take care of themselves as best they can with the tools they have. They cultivate good sleep hygiene so that they wake up rested and restored. They eat meals that are nourishing to their bodies and souls and they exercise in ways that feel good for them.
Their focus on their well-being goes beyond tending to their physical health, as they take their mental health seriously, as well. They know there’s no shame in struggling with mental health and seeking out treatment when they need support. They allow themselves to love others and have fun, because finding joy in small moments is also part of being healthy.
Your kids learned that feeling whole means taking care of the entirety of their beings because you did a good job raising them.
10. They can apologize graciously
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Apologizing graciously is a skill that shows you did a good job raising your kids into thoughtful adults. They recognize that no one is perfect, which means hurting others is part of being in relationships. When they do something wrong, they own it. They don’t get defensive or make themselves the victim or cast blame onto the other person. Instead, they apologize with grace and sincerity, since they know that’s the only way toward repair.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Shelby Riley says that “when used for good, an apology is an effective communication tool for health and healing. It has the power to soothe and validate your partner’s reality, to repair the hurt your mistake caused, and to hold you accountable so that you are far less likely to make the same mistake again.”
She shares a step-by-step guide to formulating a true apology, starting with stating your mistake clearly and acknowledging that you did something wrong. Next, commit to changing for the future, so as to not repeat the same mistake. Explain what you’ll do differently next time and then, ask for forgiveness.
“You are not only giving your partner what he/she needs, but you are giving yourself the gift of accountability,” Riley explains. “You are healing the pain caused by your mistake. You are validating and respecting your partner, and you are growing into a healthier version of yourself.”
11. They express how they feel to the people they love
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If your kids express their true feelings to the people they love, you did a good job raising them into emotionally aware adults. They don’t wait for a special occasion, like an anniversary or a birthday, to let their loved ones know they are loved. They share how they feel because they know that being vulnerable is the only way to stay deeply connected to others.
As relationship expert and therapist Dr. Terri Orbuch explains, “Love is not the only thing that makes a relationship or marriage last. There is one particular emotion that brings unparalleled benefits to every type of relationship — gratitude.”
She describes gratitude as “making your partner feel valued, loved, and supported with simple acts and behaviors.”
She notes that happy couples tell each other what they’re grateful for, “in the form of words, gestures, or acts that showed a spouse that they were noticed, appreciated, respected, loved, or desired.”
If your kids tell you how much they value you and they’re emotionally available to the people they love most, you did a good job raising them to be a genuinely fulfilled and caring adult.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.