Woman Seeks Advice After Husband Suggests Conceiving A Baby With Her Sister The ‘Traditional Way’ Instead Of Surrogacy
"I can't even imagine my sister's reaction once she hears my husband's suggestion."
NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock For those who can’t conceive on their own, surrogacy is one of the most amazing scientific advancements and has helped build many happy families. So, for one woman who opened up on Reddit about her and her husband’s struggles with infertility, surrogacy seemed like a fantastic way to make her dreams of becoming a mom come true.
The woman was also supported in this decision by her sister who kindly offered to carry the baby, an amazing opportunity — or so she thought.
Her husband complicated the issue by suggesting that he have sex with her sister in order to conceive.
There are typically two types of surrogacy. Traditional surrogacy involves implanting the biological father's sperm in the surrogate mother, which makes the surrogate mother the baby's biological mother. Gestational surrogacy, on the other hand, involves placing and embryo from the intended parents into the surrogate mother's uterus so that there is no biological connection between the surrogate mother and the baby.
Either of these routes are expensive and lengthy processes, with the average cost of surrogacy totaling "approximately $125,000 to $175,000," according to Stephanie Levich, founder and president of Family Match Consulting.
“My husband said he looked at how much time and money IVF would take and slowly started hinting that we take the traditional way,” the woman wrote on Reddit’s “True Off My Chest” subreddit, meaning he wanted to skip the logistics and simply have sex with his sister-in-law. “I was too shocked to even say anything but he acted like what he said was not even that big of a deal,” she continued.
Photo: Josep Suria / Shutterstick
While the surrogacy journey can no doubt be stressful for couples and even cause strain on a marriage, there can’t be many people who think surrogacy would cause more strain than your husband sleeping with your sister!
Her husband’s suggestion has completely changed her thoughts on using a surrogate at all.
“I'm 100 percent against it, that is [why] I'm backing down and am no longer comfortable with this whole surrogacy route,” the woman wrote. “I can't even imagine my sister's reaction once she hears my husband's suggestion.”
She explained that she is “devastated” by her husband’s actions, but not just because she’s shocked that her husband would suggest having sex with her sister to save some time and money. She also said that she feels totally uncomfortable and knows that she would never be able to get over this if they ever did follow through on his plan.
“If I ever agree despite feeling [uncomfortable] then I will always carry this memory of how the baby is conceived,” she wrote, adding that she “shut his suggestion down hard.”
Unfortunately, the husband is not being particularly respectful to his wife’s feelings and her obvious discomfort.
“He's now started guilting me saying I don't trust him then saying I'm selfish for choosing to back out when he still wants to be a dad like he expected when he married me,” she wrote.
Photo: Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
This part is particularly heartbreaking as the woman feels like her husband is blaming her for her fertility problems which are obviously not her fault, nor are they anything to be ashamed of.
“I feel so devastated and like my body is useless and has failed me,” she concluded.
While willing family members make for wonderful surrogates, the husband's suggestion is both ethically and legally concerning.
It's one thing to make such a suggestion when feeling as though your options are limited, which many couples experience while struggling with infertility. However, as people pointed out in the comments, his inability to both back down from the suggestion and blame his wife for their infertility suggests a deeper issue.
In addition, a person in the comments who claimed to be a lawyer noted that taking the husband's suggested route, assuming the woman's sister agreed to such a thing, would biologically make the baby the woman's niece or nephew instead of her daughter or son.
“Without an official surrogacy contract the sister can claim the baby as her own and husband can be on the hook for child support,” they wrote, as well as make it difficult for the woman to legally claim the baby as her own. This is a terrible idea all around,” they added.
Experts suggest using a surrogacy agency even when a family member or friend volunteers as a surrogate, as surrogacy is an emotionally charged and complicated process that can become a legal disaster if anything goes wrong.
Alice Kelly is YourTango’s former Deputy News and Entertainment Editor. Based in Brooklyn, New York, her work covers all things social justice, pop culture, and human interest.