Wife Says Her Partner Has Completely 'Checked Out' And Doesn't Want To Be Responsible For Their Newborn Baby
Sometimes, the right choice is a hard choice.
Ienestan | Shutterstock Welcoming a new baby is a joyful experience, but it can also create a sense of distance between partners.
One new mom came to realize just how wide the gap between her and her partner has become since they became parents.
The wife said that her partner has completely ‘checked out’ and doesn’t want to be responsible for their baby.
She explained her situation on the r/parenting Reddit thread, where she asked for advice on how to move forward since her partner “doesn’t want to be a parent anymore.”
The new mom shared that she and her partner both wanted children and had conversations about having them early in their relationship.
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She and her partner dated for several years before getting married and went through “several rounds of IVF, unfortunate losses, and a high-stakes pregnancy.”
“Now, 7 years later, we have a 10-month-old baby … We are a two-mom family,” the woman said.
“My partner was always engaged and seemingly excited for our new journey,” she said. “Almost instantly upon arriving home after my c-section, my partner checked out.”
The changes that parenting brings can make it difficult for partners to feel connected to one another.
As noted by Alexandra Scott, a doctor of clinical psychology, “With any change, there are necessary shifts that need to occur, especially in a change as significant as bringing home a new baby.”
“We don’t talk enough about how the upheaval that bringing a baby home can have on a relationship and a family system,” Scott continued.
Yet the fact that her partner "checked out" created a tense environment where the mom was parenting on her own.
Her partner started picking fights if she didn’t get free time, and “didn’t want to help overnight, or daytime, really, even leaving the house every day during witching hour.”
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She shared that their baby had severe reflux, which led to trips to the hospital.
“It was a very stressful time, but I was able to maintain my composure and take care of myself and the baby fully,” the mom said.
‘My partner has said that she doesn’t want a family or kids and wants to be selfish with her time and money.’
“She wants to come and go as she pleases and not be responsible for anyone else,” the mom explained, noting that “she does not interact with the baby, says it is her personal choice, and I, of course, do not leave the baby alone with her.”
Her partner’s lack of support has put the mom in the position of parenting solo while working full-time and attending nursing school. Due to the partner’s military position, they don’t live near any family or friends.
The woman revealed an inconsistency in her partner’s behavior, noting that “When the baby is in daycare, or in bed for the night, she is affectionate, playful, connecting with me.”
The mom’s emotions around her family situation are rightfully complex, saying she feels like “a failure.”
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“I’ve failed my daughter from what could have been a harmonious family unit,” she said.
She feels a mix of bitterness toward her partner and hopefulness that “once the baby is more communicative that they will find something to bond over.”
“I’m mad at myself,” she revealed. “I feel stuck. We have tons of debt, previously shared accounts, and I have nowhere to go.”
“She said last night that she would divorce me now to get rid of us but that she knows I have nowhere to go,” the mom said. “I’m so sad.”
Some people commented that her partner’s behavior could be a sign of postpartum depression.
Non-gestational parents can experience postpartum depression, which can create a barrier to bonding with their baby. Postnatal depression can present itself as anxiety or worry, yet it can also present as anger or irritability.
“It is absolutely not an excuse, but if she has issues that can be treated, she should get them treated, for everyone's sake,” one person said.
While people on Reddit usually jump straight to calling for divorce whenever someone asks for relationship advice, this time, those calls seemed fitting.
Most comments did, in fact, advise the mom to get divorced or to at least prepare herself for the possibility that her partner will initiate one.
“Don't feel guilty or blame yourself,” one person said. “It is your partner who is failing your child.”
“You didn’t fail your daughter,” someone else echoed. Raising her in a place of love, without the parent who openly announces she doesn't want her, is being a good parent.”
“I know it's not what you wanted or planned on, so grieve that dream of a family. But please don't frame it as failing your daughter because you aren't,” they concluded.
Sometimes, we find ourselves in relationships or situations that weren’t what we signed up for, which seems to be what’s happening to this mom. She expected her partner to show up and be a parent, yet that isn’t her reality.
Divorce isn’t a simple path to take, but it can be the right decision at the end of it all. The mom and her daughter are worthy of having a different life, one without her partner’s anger and resentment. Whatever decision she makes, the fact remains that she’s providing for her daughter as best she can, and that’s what matters.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.