Wife Issues PSA To Women Before The Holidays — 'Your In-Laws Are Not Your Family, You Don't Have To Do Any Of It'
The holidays can make the in-law visits even more stressful.
Alexander Raths, Roman Sarnborskyi / Shutterstock The holidays always provide the opportunity for families to catch up and spend time together. That is, at least, when there isn’t a war over whose house everyone's gathering at.
Unfortunately, this is a dilemma that many families face around the holidays — and one that often leads to screaming matches and hurt feelings during a time that is supposed to be for enjoying home-cooked meals and listening to holiday music around the fire.
One woman revealed how she has brought peace back to her holiday schedule by “decentering herself” from her in-laws, and she is urging others to do the same.
The woman issued a PSA to other married women, claiming that their in-laws are not their family, and they do not have to partake in their celebrations.
In the controversial TikTok, Nicole Michelle explains how she “de-centered” her husband’s side of the family, and why she has no regrets regarding her decision.
“We have been taught as women that when we get married, we take on our husband’s family and that two families now become one,” she says, referring to heterosexual marriages.
Michelle points out that women are often not even given a choice on the matter of whether or not they want to welcome their husbands’ families as their own. “The truth is, we are not related to them,” she says. “We are not taking or making marital vows to them.”
As someone who has been married for nearly 18 years, Michelle reveals that her concept of marriage has changed from when she first wed her husband.
According to her, there is the expectation that when women get married, they must be accepted by their husband's side of the family. “If you’re marrying their son and you’re going to be in their family, they expect you to act like one of them,” she says.
Michelle blames this fact on the patriarchy, noting that the husbands often do not face the same treatment from their wives’ families.
Throughout her marriage, Michelle shares that she began to “deconstruct” and “decenter” the importance of in-laws, and began to distance herself from her husband’s family, something that has benefited her as the holidays approach.
“If you’re having issues [with your in-laws], especially getting into the holiday season and all the back and forth starts happening about [whose house you're going to, what time you're coming and how long you're staying before leaving to visit your family], just know that you don’t have to do any of it, especially if they’re [expletive] in-laws,” Michelle says. “In-laws is just an ideology created by patriarchy through marriage.”
Some people shared Michelle's viewpoints, confessing that they no longer spend the holidays with their in-laws.
“I refuse to go to my in-laws or my birth family's homes for Christmas. I’m creating memories in MY home for MY family,” one TikTok user commented. “My mother-in-law said, ‘When you married my son, you married us too.’ I haven’t spoken to her in eight years,” another user wrote. “I created my own family. I am not ‘part of their family’ as my partner is not ‘part of my family.’ We are our own family,” another user noted.
However, other people felt very differently about spending time with their in-laws.
Unlike Michelle, some have had positive interactions with their in-laws and even see them as an extension of their own families. “Some of our best holiday memories are with my in-laws,” one user shared. “Am I the only one who doesn’t hate my in-laws and actually have fun with them?” another added.
Others believe that alienating yourself from your in-laws only hurts your children and that there is no need to separate yourselves from them during the holidays.
However, many women confess that they don't have the best relationships with their in-laws and that it is simply easier to avoid them during the holidays.
Seventy-five percent of couples report having issues with their in-laws. The issues start even sooner than many of us believe.
Some people go as far as insisting that their young children will be spending the holidays with their family instead of their in-laws, far before they have even reached the legal age to get married.
One mother posted a TikTok video where she shared that she would be raising her two sons to be “obsessed with me so their future wife can’t say they are going to her side for the holidays.”
However, another woman argued that this is a recipe for disaster for her children when they grow up and start families of their own. “Don’t already in your mind have a competition between you and your son’s spouse,” TikTok user Lisa P (@itsme_lisap) says in her own TikTok video. “It’s a fight you will lose and one that your son will resent you for.”
Lisa claims that, as a mother, you should never put your child in the position of having to choose between their spouse or their parents.
“If he chooses you, it is going to be causing strife with his wife," she says. "And strife with his wife could lead to something like divorce or separation,” which she adds is a “painful” and “traumatic” situation that no mother should wish on their child.
Lisa admits that as little children, it is a good sign that your child is obsessed with you since they should look up to you for security and comfort. However, they do not require the same coddling as an adult with children of their own. “It’s okay for them to move on, it’s okay for them to get married, it’s okay if you want to split holidays,” she says.
Lisa also encourages the woman to be “kind and welcoming” to her future daughter-in-law, and she may get to have her children and their spouses with her for most of the holidays anyway.
With all of the negative conversations and horror stories surrounding in-laws, many people may go into their marriages with a preconceived fear and hatred of them. However, this is not the case for every family, and you may just love spending the holidays celebrating with them!
Photo: Monkey Business Images / Shutterstock
It is still possible to see your own family if you wish to. The best way to go about this is by agreeing to split the holidays with your own family and your in-laws. There is nothing wrong with spending Thanksgiving with your in-laws and Christmas at your parents’ house.
Although our children will grow older and will likely not spend every holiday with their parents as they used to, (and it’s okay to miss that!) it is important to understand that traditions will change as your family grows. They may even start traditions that include both their biological families and their in-laws!
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.