Why We're Leaving Our Son
It’s hard growing up, for us and him.
VH-studio / Shutterstock I have an internal conflict I’ve been very vocal about with my family. Instead of talking about it anymore, I have taken action. My husband and I are taking steps to leave my son.
Here’s the conflict: it’s internal because I can only control my response and action to it, but it’s really an interfamily conflict. My 22-year-old stepson — who really is just my son — refuses to grow up.
It’s probably the bane of many parents in my generation; the latchkey kids and children of divorced parents (although I was neither) turned into Gen X helicopter parents.
My millennial/Ge- Z cusp son refuses to take any steps into adulthood unless he is forced to.
Part of it is due to his internal conflicts, depression, and anxiety. Part of it is he’s just too damn comfortable. Part of it is our fault, back to the helicopter part.
I can’t imagine being financially or emotionally dependent willingly on my parents at that age. At any age, really. But I guess I should take it as a compliment. He likes us. He enjoys our company. He’s comfortable.
I was uncomfortable at 22.
So, back to leaving him. We are looking for a second residence in the city. We live in the country, and my husband commutes 4 hours a day to his job as a professor so we can live there. It’s a sacrifice that’s gotten harder for him after 14 years and wrist surgery and a bum knee. So, staying up in the city a few times a week would help him.
But I think, even more, it would force my son to grow up a bit.
Remarkably, my hypothesis seems to be correct. We’ve been testing it out by staying at Airbnbs in the city.
He’s able to do daily chores and not burn the house down without us there. He doesn’t need (much of) my nagging when I’m not there. He seeks out friendships and acts more independent when we aren’t there. He’s forced into a state of disequilibrium.
In turn, my husband and I get more alone time, even bringing our 7-year-old with us (who I homeschool), with this setup.
So far, we have not found a permanent second residence. But, it’s the direction we are moving towards, being away because we can’t get him to individuate any other way.
You have to know some background to fully conceptualize why we are in this predicament.
I met my husband, Matt, when my step/son was 9 months old; we married when he was one. Matt shared custody with my son’s biological mom. But the relationship between the co-parents was somewhat acrimonious and we only saw him during summers and holidays, after we moved out of state when he was six years old.
At 15, a series of events lead my son to move in with us.
He eventually broke off ties with his mother due to abusive interactions with her. He didn’t go away to college by choice and did school online during COVID. We were literally his safe haven.
Under these circumstances, how could he not have the issues he has?
His own internal conflicts are almost inevitable against this backdrop. But it has become our issue, as well, causing this internal conflict for me. It is our guilt for having failed him and the insecure attachment we provided, no matter that it wasn’t our fault. It just was. But, we weren’t the ideal but elusive nuclear family that provided him that springboard into independence.
Regardless, that’s where I’m at with this internal conflict, tying to resolve it externally by taking action, leaving my son since he refuses to grow up willingly — and we don’t know how to let him grow up while being there.
Melissa Miles McCarter has published numerous blog articles, short stories, an anthology, a memoir, a novel, and various nonfiction. Her work has been featured in various publications including HuffPost, Yahoo!, and Salon.