15 Things Women Who Are Amazing Moms Know About Each Of Their Kids
All moms are amazing but some know a little bit more than others.
Jacob Lund / Shutterstock There is so much pressure out the to be the perfect mom. Instagram, TikTok, and other social media platforms contain a ton of information about what we need to be a good mom and we are inundated with hundreds of women who are obviously doing things perfectly.
Yeah, right.
My kids are 25 and 28 years old. I raised them in a pre-social media era (thank God). There was less pressure to be perfect and, because we really had very little guidance on how to parent, in general, we just flew by the seat of our pants.
And our kids all survived, no matter that we didn’t really know what we were doing, and they are all adults out in the world, living their lives, most of them eating broccoli.
My kids are doing great and, in retrospect, I can see a lot of the reasons why. Of course, I did many things wrong but I also did many things right.
I want to share those things with you today.
Before we get started, I want to point out that everything on this list has an underlying theme of awareness. It’s not about preaching or lecturing or prying, etc. It’s about maintaining an awareness of your kids so that you can be the best parent that you can be.
Here are 15 things women who are amazing moms know about their kids
1. Their love language
Wait, what? Love languages are just for grown-ups, right? No, they are not.
Gary Chapman, in his book "The 5 Love Languages," posits that everyone has a language that makes them feel loved. When we learn how to speak their love language, we make them feel like they are loved and they are happy.
The five love languages are gift-giving, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service.
It is important that children, like adults, feel loved. Parents can do everything else right bu,t if their kids don’t feel loved, everything else that they do won’t be as effective.
2. Things that they might be anxious about
The world is a scary place these days and many kids are constantly feeling anxious. And every child is different and anxious about different things.
I know that my son was anxious about libraries, me driving too fast and driving on a different route, any food that wasn’t white and letting me out of his sight.
My daughter was anxious about making sure that she could pack everything that she needed whenever we went someplace.
Knowing their anxieties allowed me to help them anticipate that they might be triggered and that it was ok. I could also, to an extent, reduce the instances that they might have to deal with those anxieties (like me driving under the speed limit).
I did not work to shield them completely from their fears because I knew that they must sometimes confront them so that they could learn how to manage them on their own.
3. Things that soothe them when they are triggered
This was a very important one — making sure that I knew what to do when my kids might be triggered.
As much as we want to, moms can’t protect their kids from everything and it’s important that we learn how to help them manage their feelings when they arise.
With my son, I let him stay in the minivan when we went into the library, let him know if we were going to be driving a different route and helped him clean off any green that might appear on his plate.
With my daughter, we never sprung any destinations on her so that she could always be prepared. The one time that we did surprise them, with a trip was to Disney World, and she was mad that I didn’t let her pack. I let her express her feelings (namely scream and cry), knowing that, for her, that was what she needed to do. (And I really had tried to pack everything that I knew she might need.)
4. How to read how they are feeling
As you probably know, if you ask your kid what is wrong, you might very well get "nothing," even if something definitely is. It can be hard to verbalize feelings if you are a kid and sometimes you just don’t want to share them with your mom.
It is important that moms make an effort to be able to read their children. To be able to tell when they are struggling and, hopefully, what they might be struggling with.
This awareness might not help moms fix them but it will let them know what they might be able to do to support them during this difficult time by giving them what they need.
And sometimes a kid doesn’t need their mom to fix what is happening but just to acknowledge that she sees that they are struggling and that she is there for them.
5. How to talk to them so that they hear you
We all want our children to listen to us. We have lots of words of wisdom and love to share with them and we want them to truly hear you when you speak.
Again, every child is different but, in my experience, the key part of having a child listen to you is to not lecture but to make the conversation a give and take.
Share your thoughts and then ask if they have any questions. Let them ask them. That way, they can understand the ‘why’ behind what you are saying. That will help them internalize the information more fully.
6. What they need to feel heard
Similarly, moms need to know what their kids need to feel heard.
I always encourage active listening. When your kid needs to talk, put down what you are doing and pay attention. Ask them questions about what they are saying. Repeat what they say so that they know you understand them. And don’t try to fix them.
Just let them know that you hear them and that you understand.
7. Things they like to eat
I am sure many moms will push back on me for this one but I believe that knowing what your child likes to eat is very important.
Of course, we all want our kids to like everything and, for some parents, the ‘clean plate club’ is very important.
I know that it was important that I knew what my kids did and didn’t like to eat so that I could make sure that sometimes they got exactly what they wanted for dinner . I wanted to make sure that dinner wouldn’t become a truly traumatic experience for them.
When I was little, my mother made me eat things that I didn’t like when I was in trouble. This didn’t act as a deterrent and definitely didn’t make me want to try new things. It only messed up my relationship with food.
8. Things they like to receive as presents
So, be honest. When you receive a present from someone who loves you, don’t you appreciate it more when it is something that you truly want as opposed to something kind of random?
We all do, and kids especially.
Why? Because giving your child something that they want, other than something that you want to give them, makes them feel seen and loved.
9. Things that are important to them
Again, we all want to be noticed for who we are in the world. Knowing the things that are important to our kids is something that is very important.
Why? Because not only do we know another little piece of them but we can, if given the opportunity, share in them.
My daughter loved going to discard stores at the dump to dig through the piles and find treasures. I went out of my way to help her make sure we visited those places regularly. I was there when she discovered a lot of special things and shared in her joy.
10. What they need to feel safe
My ex-husband made a big thing about "stranger danger" back when my kids were little.
He warned them that strangers might take them and that, if they did, they were to scream "This is not my father. This is not my mother." He felt like he was preparing them for a horrific situation.
What this did instead, my adult kids now tell me, is it scared the crap out of them that they might be taken.
What they would have liked to have heard instead was knowing what to do to stay safe — namely staying close to their parents — instead of what to be scared of.
What do your kids need to feel safe? Knowing that and sharing with them that you know, will go a long way towards them understanding that you’ve got them.
11. The state of their mental health
It’s a hard world that we live in right now and kids are bearing the brunt of it.
As a result, many kids are dealing with depression and anxiety and there is a suicide epidemic that we don’t know what to do about.
We can’t solve the mental health crisis in America but we can support our kids with their mental health.
Learn the signs and symptoms of depression and anxiety and look out for them in your child. If you see them, talk to them about what you are seeing. Don’t try to fix them but let them know that you are there for them, always.
Don’t ignore the signs. Don’t think they will just grow out of these things. Don’t tell them to suck it up and be strong.
The state of their mental health is something women who are amazing moms know about their kids.
12. Things they like to do
Another thing that is very important that moms have awareness about is the things that their kids like to do.
Between school and homework and activities and family expectations, kids sometimes don’t have the opportunity to do the things that they actually like to do. As a result, their mental health can suffer.
Imagine if all you did was work and you didn’t have the opportunity to do the things that you like to do to keep you sane. So it is with kids. Give them the chance to pause in the craziness of their lives and just be kids.
13. What their friends are like
I am guessing that you mostly know who your kids are but I am guessing that you might not be sure what those kids are like. What kind of home lives do they have or what kind of things that they struggle with?
I am not saying that you need to pry into these kids’ personal lives but I would encourage you to pay attention. Take note of how they carry themselves, if they seem to struggle in any way, if their parents are involved and how they interact with you.
Kids tend to align themselves with their friends. If you can have some awareness of who your child’s friends are in the world, it will give you an opportunity to talk to your child about their friends, if the need arises.
14. Classes they struggle with at school
Hopefully, your child will share with you things that they struggle with at school. But sometimes they don’t.
My daughter struggled with math in a big way but she didn’t want us to know that she did, so she hid it. She said that she had done her homework at school and that she was doing great on tests so her struggles were totally off our radar. It was only once her report card came home that we learned the truth.
Make an effort to look at your child’s report card and touch base with their teachers. Again, you can’t fix what your child struggles with but you can do what you can do to support them.
15. Their dreams for the future
Knowing some of the dreams that your child has for the future is one thing that women who are amazing mothers know about their kids.
Of course, your kids might not share but, if you pay attention, you can probably make some guesses because of their interests.
If their dreams are something that you think is positive, great. If not, don’t try to shoot them down. Let your kids go after their dreams in whatever way they want. Try to have faith that, ultimately, your child will figure out that their hopes and dreams might not be for them.
It’s their journey, after all.
Again, so much of being a successful mom is about awareness. Awareness of who your kids are, where they are in the world, how you can support them and how you can make them feel loved.
I know that, in this crazy world, being aware takes time and effort that you might not have. I would encourage you to try to gain some awareness, even if your time is limited.
I always used our time in the car to learn information about my kids. Sometimes, when they were talking to their sibling or their friends I learned something. Sometimes they even opened up to me. There is something about being in the car, not looking at each other, that makes it easier to share things that are important.
I am sure this list is daunting but I know that you can do at least some of them. After all, they are your child and you love them madly and I am sure you want them to have happy, productive lives.
Every little thing that you can do for them will only support them in this goal.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be in this crazy world.
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