If You're Not Close With Your Kids, You Probably Display These 8 Ugly Parenting Habits
This subtle shift in your approach to parenting will greatly affect your relationship with your children.
Hero Images | Canva Every child experiences invalidation as a child. This is natural and unavoidable, but some parents take it too far by being overly strict and perfectionistic. There is no perfect way to parent — every parent leaves psychological scars on their kids in one way or another. But some parents leave more than others.
If you’ve noticed difficulties forming close bonds with your kids, especially as they become adults, you might recognize some of these ugly parenting habits in yourself.
Here are 8 ugly parenting habits you probably display if you're not close with your kids
1. You suppress your emotions
The first and most common overarching symptom of having been raised by perfectionist parents is you will be prone to suppressing your emotions. Whether it’s sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy, or any other emotion that is frequently labeled as "negative" in modern society, you will likely have a difficult time accessing certain emotions on a day-to-day basis.
This doesn’t mean those emotions won’t exist in you (they will), it will just mean it’s arduous for you to gain access to feeling your way through them. These chronically suppressed emotions will then turn into sickness, anxiety, depression, or (long-term) diseases like cancer and more severe mental illness, according to a study from The American Psychological Association (APA).
2. You're disconnected from your emotions
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The more disconnected you are from feeling your emotions, the more likely you’ll be to turn your less pleasant emotions towards yourself.
Here’s an example: Your parents divorced when you were six years old. Because children are inherently egocentric (they believe the world revolves around them) you will create a story that it is your fault your parents split up. You will then build on the story for years to come and have a deeply permeating sense you are unlovable and somehow flawed.
A study in The Journal of Personality Assessment supported how this is especially the case in perfectionist households. If there are hundreds of rules of how you’re supposed to behave, and you’re constantly getting in trouble for not adhering to them flawlessly, then there must be something wrong with you (or a lot wrong with you).
3. You're prone to addiction
Addictions can take many forms. At its core, addictions are maladaptive stress responses. Put another way, your addiction is what you do to cope with the stress you feel when you’re not sure what else to do with it.
Psychotherapist Gloria Arenson explained that, "We become addicted to feelings, rather than substances. Therefore, when we curb using one substance or activity we unconsciously turn to another substance or activity that gives us the same feeling. For example, in their pursuit of feeling good, some sober alcoholics who haven't had a drink in years still smoke multiple packs of cigarettes a day, drink lots of coffee, or eat too many sweets. Perhaps the feeling alcohol gave them is relaxation, and now cigarettes or other substances create that same feeling. "
People who grew up with highly perfectionist parents are more prone to addiction than most because it’s their parents' perfectionism itself that was a constantly modeled maladaptive stress response. For example, maybe your parents felt an intrinsic sense of unworthiness growing up because their parents never validated or loved them in any obvious way, so they learn to try to do life “correctly” to gain love and approval from their emotionally absent parents.
4. You pursue perfectionism
Surprise, surprise! You will be prone to continuing the generational legacy of perfectionism until you decide to commit to a new path.
5. You're hyper-vigilant
If you’re always trying to do life right, then you’ll always feel on edge, anticipating the next mistake you’re about to make. That’s where the downward spiral of perfectionism starts. Every mistake you make will thereby reinforce your sense of inadequacy and imperfection, compelling you to want to do things even more correctly, until you break the pattern.
6. You're not open to constructive criticism
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Perfectionists have a non-stop self-critical inner dialogue. It’s like having a drill sergeant in your head telling you how to do everything to avoid being criticized.
When someone gives you corrective feedback (or criticism) as an adult, it will be especially difficult to receive if you have perfectionist parents. Their tone will remind you of your parents, and you will feel more triggered and defensive than if you had grown up in a loving and supportive household.
7. You're a people pleaser
By constantly trying to live by your parents' strict standards, you will set yourself up for a long life of living to please others. As you continue to live your life for other people, you will slowly erode your sense of self and slip into a general feeling of malaise.
8. You're completely closed off
Being in any intimate relationship is an ongoing practice of allowing your self-protective ego to dissolve, to allow you to get close to someone. The way to feel fulfilled in an intimate relationship is to be with someone who you love, trust, and respect, and to let go of control. If you had perfectionist parents, it’s intimacy is going to be especially challenging for you.
You will resent your partner challenging you. You will resent the things they say you perceive as criticism. You will fear your partner getting close to you will mean they will witness (and confirm) your fundamentally unloveable nature. And you will be prone to defensiveness, passive-aggressive communication, and stonewalling your intimate partners.
"When your words, tone, and body language are often defensive, it makes your partner feel as though you don't take them seriously and/or are not willing to consider your accountability for at least some of the problems in your relationship. This drives a wedge between the two of you that prevents you from reaching the kind of meaning resolutions that bring couples closer rather than driving them farther apart," advised counselor Lianne Avila
Again, the way you succeed in intimacy is by letting go of control and simply allowing your partner to be who they are. It’s, therefore, understandable people with perfectionist parents would have a difficult time allowing themselves to be loved and seen by another.
Whatever happened, it didn’t feel safe to be human, to feel emotions, to try things and mess up. Love was given to you based on your performance and adherence to arbitrary rules, not given based on your existence.
Growing up in a household with an endless amount of rules for what is right and what is wrong (whether those rules are communicated explicitly or implicitly) is exhausting. If you constantly felt like you were walking on eggshells in your childhood home, the consequences can be quite damaging later in life.
Jordan Gray is a five-time #1 Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice behind him. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and more.