10 Traits Of An Adult Who Is Still Trying Hard To Win The Approval Of Their Parents
It's an unconscious desire for affection.
fizkes | Shutterstock Growing up, people want their parents to acknowledge and celebrate their small wins. But when children don't get that validation, they may develop certain behaviors as a result. There are traits of an adult who is still trying hard to win the approval of their parents, and it becomes evident in their actions.
In their desire for simple praise, when these individuals grow up, they push themselves a bit too far, risking their own mental and physical health. After all, they are adults who never received the affection they deserved. But though upsetting, there are certain steps they can take to break free of the mental chains holding them back.
Here are 10 traits of an adult who is still trying hard to win the approval of their parents
1. They're people-pleasers
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An adult who grew up with hard-to-please parents spent a good portion of their childhood seeking their validation. As a result, they likely grew into someone who doesn't know how to live for themselves. They enter friendships and relationships doing their best to please everyone, without a second thought towards their own well-being.
Because they were taught that being loved meant putting their needs last, they struggle to win the approval of their parents by being overly selfless. And because they aren't taking care of themselves, they may fall victim to exhaustion, career setbacks, burnout, and lower self-esteem, as Meg Selig, a counselor and writer, says.
Selig adds that there are certain things adults can do to give themselves the self-care they desperately need, including asking for help, setting boundaries, decluttering their surroundings, and scheduling free time.
2. They're perfectionists
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Wanting the best out of life, perfectionists have no issue grinding or putting in overtime at work or in life. However, for someone who grew up without the approval or validation of their parents, this perfectionism can turn toxic. This exhausting cycle eventually leads to burnout once they realize nothing they do will ever be good enough in the eyes of their parents.
According to research published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, perfectionism leads to anxiety, depression, OCD, and eating disorders. An adult trying to win the approval of their parents in adulthood may find that they get stuck in a never-ending cycle of receiving their parent's affection one day, and being cut off the next.
3. They depend too much on the opinions of others
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Everyone knows someone who is dependent on the opinions of others. They base their behaviors, actions, and thoughts on how others will interpret it. Unfortunately, that's one of the glaring traits of an adult who is still trying hard to win the approval of their parents.
Growing up, these individuals were likely taught to care about their reputation, whether it was at a family event, school, or even at home. It instilled in them a compulsive need to listen to others, even if it's against their own interests.
Constantly caring about other people's opinions can create an atmosphere of exhaustion and anxiety, where the individual shuts out their own needs and ideas. As a result, they grow to be resentful of their perfect life, never finding fulfillment despite the many great things they have achieved.
4. They're emotionally unstable
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Not only are people vying for the approval of their parents emotionally drained, but they can become unstable as well. They're so used to being desperate for the affection of others, especially their parents, that when they're given an ounce of emotion back, they don't know what to do with themselves. In their mind they can't help but think it's a sick joke.
As a result, they feel overwhelmed, causing their emotions to spiral. They may quickly go from happy to sad to angry to confused, and then back again. That's why grounding one's self is so important. According to the University of New Hampshire, playing the 5-4-3-2-1 game is helpful.
To play, a person can start by naming five things in a room. Next, they name four things they feel, and three things they can hear. Then, they name two things they can smell, and one thing they can taste. All of these actions help people connect to the present moment instead of their emotions.
Experiencing emotional instability is completely normal in these circumstances. Considering the way a person's parents didn't teach them emotional intelligence, they must now learn from scratch. But with time and dedication, these individuals can slowly start to take control of their own emotions.
5. They're bad at setting boundaries
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People who are unable to set boundaries were never taught how to do so by their parents. Their childhood likely consisted of their parents invading their personal space just to make sure they weren't up to anything bad. As a result of these betrayals, these adults grow up not quite understanding the importance of setting boundaries, not wanting to upset others.
They might react with silence, having been taught that to speak out was to risk upsetting their parents. And according to physician Susan Biali Haas, M.D., not having strong boundaries, especially in the workplace, leads to burnout.
"A lack of boundaries will cause you to take on workloads, priorities or burdens that aren't yours to carry," she warns. "The good news is that once you implement some strategic boundaries and practices, your stress levels will usually drop. You'll be more focused, and have more time and energy to get key things done. This will improve your confidence and dial back any fears about your productivity and effectiveness, providing further protection against burnout."
6. They give into other people's demands easily
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In a group setting, adults who are still trying hard to win the approval of their parents tend to give into peer pressure. They nod along with their friends or acquaintances and make questionable decisions that may or may not haunt them. But all of these traits stem back from their childhood.
Perhaps they felt they had no control over the decisions they made. Maybe their parents were cold and strict, and didn't allow them to explore their interests or passions. Because of this, they learned not to trust their own voice and eventually became adults who quickly give into other people's demands.
Since they weren't taught how to take control over their own lives, they now feel intimidated to step outside of the lines their parents carefully created, allowing other people to control their lives for them.
7. They're indecisive
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Indecisive people don't know how to be their own person. Whether it's deciding what outfit to wear or what food to cook, they are always at the mercy of their inability to choose. Growing up, their parents likely made these decisions for them, rendering them unable to do so in adulthood.
Aside from creating anxiety, being indecisive and allowing others to control their decisions can leave them susceptible to being taken advantage of.
Even though it's difficult, adults like this shouldn't allow the need for approval to stop them from embracing independence. Thinking and acting for one's self is a beautiful thing and allows anyone to discover the best parts of themselves.
8. They need constant reassurance
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When times are tough and people feel like there's nowhere to turn, it feels great to have a reassuring hand telling them everything will be okay. But there's such a thing as too much dependency. According to a study published in Biochemistry Research International, there's a negative association between aggression and emotional dependency.
People must find a way to stop their need for approval from taking over their lives. For adults wanting their parents' approval, it's likely best to remind themselves that this won't necessarily bring them closure of any kind. In reality, they should focus on filling their own cup instead of allowing their dependency issues to rob them of their ability to find joy.
9. They overthink everything
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Some people who need their parents' approval spend their adulthood overthinking everything. Unfortunately, they may overthink to the point of inaction, where they are too debilitated to make a choice and end up missing out on new opportunities.
To combat overthinking, adults vying for the approval of their parents should try to limit their choices. If they still can't make a choice, they should weigh the pros and cons of a situation. This will help them make the most informed decision possible, without fretting too much about whether they considered their decision for long enough.
10. They compulsively apologize
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Whether they accidentally bump into someone or talk over a person speaking, an adult trying hard to win the approval of their parents likely feel the need to compulsively apologize. It's a habit they had as a child, constantly apologizing to their parents to keep their affection flowing.
Though apologizing is a considerate gesture, compulsively apologizing makes the atonement less sincere. A study published in the Frontiers of Psychology found that saying, "I'm sorry" when rejecting someone causes the other person to feel worse. Additionally, in the book "The Power of an Apology," psychotherapist Beverly Engel cited that over-apologizing is similar to over-complaining. Engel explained that although it might seem nice, the other person comes off as insecure, which can permit the wrong person to mistreat them.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.