11 Things Adult Children Don't Realize They Do To Make Their Parents Cry
You don't necessarily have to do things differently, but you should probably be aware of how your parents feel.
fizkes / Shutterstock The relationship between parents and their children goes through significant changes over the course of time. When their kids are young, parents provide 24/7 care. As their kids get older, parents adapt their approach. They let their kids make more decisions on their own while reinforcing that they will always be available. But as time moves on, there are certain things adult children don’t realize they do to make their parents cry, showing that the parenting journey is emotional at any age.
A parents’ love for their adult children remains as strong as the day they were born, yet they recognize that the role they play in their kids’ lives isn’t the same. Once again, parents find themselves taking a step back.
Here are 11 things adult children don't realize they do to make their parents cry
1. Moving far away
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Moving far away from home is something adult children don’t realize makes their parents cry. Witnessing their transition into adulthood is bittersweet for parents. They’re proud of their adult children for starting the next chapter of their lives, but they also feel a deep sense of loss.
Parents understand that their adult children need to lay down roots on their terms, still, they can’t help but feel like they’re no longer needed. The fear that physical distance will turn into emotional distance can make parents cry. It’s a heavy fear, one they don’t need to carry alone.
When parents open up to their adult children, it can bring them closer together. As Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, explained, “the cornerstone of reconnection is empathy.” Parents who are truthful about their feelings create a container for more authentic communication.
Ultimately, parents know their adult children’s independence is an achievement. They want their kids to thrive, no matter how far away that journey takes them. Watching their kids spread their wings is a testament to how well they raised them.
2. Being too busy to spend time together
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Being too busy for quality time is something adult children don’t realize they do that makes their parents cry. Parents acknowledge their adult children have lives of their own to tend to, but they want to be involved in those lives. Every unanswered text and missed call makes parents feel cast aside, like they’re not worth their children’s time.
Parents recognize that they need to give their adult children space to establish their independence. They know how demanding the pressures of adulthood can be, how hard it is to find balance. They were young once, too. Even so, parents worry their adult children will disappear completely, leaving them behind.
It’s important for parents to respect their adult children’s boundaries, but it’s equally as important for adult children to let their parents into their lives. Relationships can't be repaired unless everything’s out in the open, which means parents have let their kids into their lives, as well.
Orange County Health Psychologists pointed out that parents can take initiative and proactively improve their relationships with their adult children by talking about how they want to talk.
“The best place to start reestablishing communication is with a conversation about communication,” they shared. “Ask your child how they feel about the state of your ability to communicate with each other and listen without judgment.”
They might not get the exact outcome they want, but parents who tell their adult children that they feel discarded lift the burden of keeping their pain to themselves. Parents can’t force their adult children to make time for them, but they can still be honest.
3. Dismissing their dreams
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Something adult children don’t realize they do to make their parents cry is dismissing their dreams as foolish or inconsequential. As people get older, they go through life-altering changes that make them feel isolated. They become empty-nesters. They retire from jobs that once defined them. They say goodbye to friends who’ve passed away and make peace with mortality.
Facing loss can make aging parents reevaluate how they want to live. Raising a family is a rewarding yet all-encompassing experience. Many parents put their own dreams on hold to give their kids the best life possible. They never got a chance to backpack through the French countryside or walk along the Great Wall of China. When parents share their deferred dreams, only to have their adult children brush them aside, it makes them mourn their lives before they’re actually over.
Parents don’t have to stop investing in themselves just because they’re getting on in years. They can still learn new things, find adventure, and discover who they want to be for the rest of their lives.
4. Not caring about their past
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Adult children don’t realize that not expressing interest in their parents’ past can make them cry. When their kids are young, parents often feel like they lose their sense of identity, outside of being a parent. They devote time, energy, and all their attention to what their kids want, so that they can flourish.
Parents understand that children are naturally self-involved, but they hold onto hope that their kids grow into adults who care about the lives of others and honor their experiences. Sometimes, adult children still struggle to see their parents as fully-fleshed people.
Parents tell stories about their past as a way to remember, but it’s also a way to bridge the years between them and their adult children and find common ground. They hope that sharing stories brings their whole selves to light.
Parents want their adult children to understand them on a deeper level. Adult children who make no effort to understand who their parents really are deny the deeper connection their parents are trying hard to establish.
5. Minimizing their health concerns
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Minimizing their health concerns is something adult children don’t realize they do that makes their parents cry. It can be hard for adult children to accept that their parents are getting older, so they declare their parents are being dramatic every time they share a new health concern. Adult children don’t realize that dismissing their parents’ changing health makes them feel completely invalidated.
By refusing to acknowledge their parents’ concerns, adult children deny them a chance to process the complex emotions that come along with any health scare. It might be painful for adult children to watch their parents age in real-time, but pretending it isn’t happening only makes it worse.
Holding space for their declining health is a way adult children can support their parents. Entering those uncharted waters alongside their parents is a gift adult children can give them.
6. Criticizing their parenting decisions
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A thing adult children don’t realize they do to make their parents cry is criticize how they raised them. Adult children often bring up the ways their parents hurt them during childhood as a way to heal their wounds and move forward. Hearing that they disappointed their kids is incredibly difficult for parents. Sometimes, parents get defensive and lash out because they’re so distressed. Other times, they minimize what their children went through, telling them it wasn’t so bad. Both those reactions make repair even harder to reach.
As psychologist Samantha Rodman-Whitman pointed out, when parents are “able to be present for and truly hear what [their] adult child is saying, they will finally feel understood and validated.”
Most of the time, adult children aren’t bringing their past pain to the surface to make their parents feel like their villains. Really, what they want is “proof that [their parents] love them enough to validate their pain, so that they can have a relationship that feels genuine and is based on reality.”
“Apologizing to your adult child for your parenting regrets can be transformational,” Rodman-Whitman concluded.
7. Taking their generosity for granted
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Adult children don’t realize that taking their parents’ generosity for granted makes them cry. When children are young, they rely on their parents to provide everything for them. They can’t meet their own practical or emotional needs, so it’s a parents’ role to care for them, by keeping them healthy, nourished, and safe.
As children reach adulthood, the family dynamic inevitably shifts. Parents walk a thin line of wanting to support their children unconditionally and wanting them to learn how to take responsibility for themselves.
They might send their adult children money to help them make ends meet, without any strings attached. But if adult children keep asking their parents to float them financially, without expressing gratitude, parents will eventually feel like their relationship is fully transactional.
Parents who extend themselves for their adult children want their actions to be acknowledged. They want to know that their kids have enough emotional maturity and intelligence to know that simply saying, “I appreciate you” goes a long way.
8. Holding grudges
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Holding grudges is something adult children don’t realize they do to make their parents cry. While most parents accept that making mistakes is an unavoidable part of raising kids, they also hope their adult children will give them grace for what went wrong in the past. By holding a grudge against their parents from something they no longer have control over, adult children entrench themselves in such deep anger, it can feel impossible for anyone to move on.
Therapist Diane Barth noted that, “A person who holds a grudge has a sense that the world is split up into those who are right and those who are wrong.” This way of thinking “begins in early childhood and is usually outgrown as we get older and develop the capacity to see things in a more nuanced, complex way.”
“Psychologically, someone holding a grudge may be punishing you not only for something you actually did in the here and now, but also for a wrong or series of wrongs done to them in the past,” she explained. “Often, those wrongs happened in childhood, when the injured person had little or no power to respond to the injuries.”
Parents should absolutely validate their adult children’s experience, yet holding a grudge often means their kids aren’t willing or able to let go of what happened. Grudges keep people stuck in the depths of their pain. Seeing their adult children in turmoil that they had a part in creating makes parents cry.
9. Forgetting the little things
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Adult children don’t realize that overlooking the little things in life makes their parents cry. As people get older, they understand themselves on a deeper level. They have a strong idea of their likes and dislikes.
They know what makes them happy and what makes them feel like no one cares about them anymore.
When adult children forget the small details that make their parents unique, it brings tears to their parents’ eyes. While forgetting to drop off a cupcake from their favorite bakery is a fairly small offense, it makes parents feel like their adult children don’t know them. Sometimes, they internalize their adult children’s unintentional forgetfulness, until they feel like they don’t matter at all.
Adult children don’t always realize how important simple pleasures really are to their parents, but when it comes down to it, it’s those little things that make life worth it.
10. Abandoning family traditions
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Another thing children don’t realize they do that makes their parents cry is abandoning family traditions. Traditions teach younger kids important family values. Having consistent rituals connects parents and kids on a deeper level.
Traditions are a way to mark the passing of time and give life meaning. When adult children stop taking part in family traditions, it makes their parents feel like their kids don’t care about their roots.
Adult children don’t realize how upset their parents get when they stop upholding family traditions. It’s important for parents to accept that family dynamics will inevitably change as their kids grow up. Staying flexible and keeping an open mind can help parents navigate how their family traditions evolve.
11. Not saying ‘I love you’
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Adult children don’t realize that not saying “I love you” makes their parents cry. Sometimes, kids stop saying “I love you” as they get older, and they assume that their parents still know how much they care about them.
Yet even if parents are totally aware of their children’s love for them, they still want to hear those three little words.
Adult children might not know how meaningful it is for their parents to hear them say “I love you.” Parents will always treasure the knowledge that they’re cared for and loved by their children, no matter how old they are.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.