11 Subtle Traits Of Adults Who Got Grounded A Lot As Kids
Healthy parenting lies at the intersection of appropriate discipline and overly harsh punishment.
Aleshyn_Andrei | Shutterstock.com While discipline is an essential, even if often controversial, facet of parenting, there are consequences parents should be aware of before relying too heavily on certain punishments. Not only is a heavy emphasis on reward/punishment-based parenting styles a strong characteristic of transactional parent-child relationships, frequently grounding your kids or taking away their cherished items away can lead to mistrust, resentment, and isolation for them in adulthood.
Specifically for children and teenagers already battling the effects of technological isolation, parents who rely on grounding only stir up more feelings of loneliness in their kids. Even once they’re grown and have moved out of the house, there are several subtle traits of adults who got grounded a lot as kids that can hinder their new lives and relationships.
Here are 11 subtle traits of adults who got grounded a lot as kids
1. They struggle with interpersonal boundaries
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Often grappling with their own sense of autonomy in adulthood, children who were grounded a lot by their parents early in life tend to resort towards overly controlling or permissive tendencies later in life. According to experts from the Chelsea Psychology Clinic, parents who micromanage their children’s lives, relying on constant punishments like grounding, even for misunderstandings that open communication could solve, spark anxiety in their family dynamic.
Not only do their kids feel less respected and autonomous growing up, they struggle to set the boundaries their parents constantly crossed later in life. From privacy, to independence, and the freedom to cultivate their own identities, these adult children often grapple with the anxiety of being judged or restricted by the people in their lives — sabotaging the trust and communication necessary to sustain healthy relationships.
2. They’re resentful of their parents
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According to a study published in the Child Development Perspectives journal, an adult child’s effective and cooperative socialization is sparked by the security and positivity of their relationship with their parents. Without open communication, basic respect and empathy, and trust, these children fail to learn basic developmental, social, and emotional skills that inform their adult relationships and general wellbeing.
While punishments like grounding might seem like productive measures against a child’s misbehavior, it’s more often than not a means for a parent to mediate their own uncomfortable emotions — isolating their child at home to ensure they can be controlled, watched over, and “taught a lesson” about straying from their parents' expectations without actual parental input, conversation, or healthy connection to mediate the problem.
Isolated from their social life, typically without online connection, these children learn to resent their parents – associating the grief, disconnect, and loneliness they experience with them, rather than their sometimes well-intended discipline. Into adulthood, that resentment transforms — sometimes sparking low self-esteem, unhealthy family dynamics, or even no-contact orders between parents and their kids.
3. They struggle with their own independence
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Without the healthy teaching moments honest conversation, rather than constant punishment, brings in early childhood, many of the subtle traits of adults who got grounded a lot as kids are sparked by their lack of independence. They weren’t given the chance to craft their decision-making skills or speak through their difficult emotions in the face of their mistakes, only isolated by their parents to ruminate.
The key to embracing your independence and autonomy in adulthood, even if you weren’t granted moments to craft it in your childhood, is a reclamation of your value, like psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein explains. Find ways to invest in your own growth, whether that be through therapy, journaling, or getting out of your comfort zone with vulnerability in your current relationships.
4. They reject traditional societal expectations and rules
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Childhood trauma can also spark a kind of “rebel behavior” amongst adult children that didn’t feel respected, heard, or valued by their parents growing up, according to the Newport Institute. Whether it’s the stress, anxiety, or depression associated with childhood resentment or unmet needs that fuels this behavior or a general lack of respect for authority figures — sparked by their overbearing parents — adult kids feel drawn to prove their own competency and independence with criticism and defiance, even at their own expense.
5. They’re indecisive
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Considering the tendency for parents to ground their kids often sparks resentment, there’s less space for kids to genuinely learn from their mistakes and have open, trusting communication about their parent’s disappointment or frustration. The lack of teaching moments associated with this kind of punishment not only disconnects kids from their parents and isolates them from their inner circle, it also hinders their problem-solving and decision-making skills.
According to Dr. John Rosemond in his book “Think Discipline is about Punishment? Think Again,” reward and punishment parenting styles hardly ever address the root of a child’s misbehavior, although it might temporarily help them mediate conflicts. In the long run, these children, who’ve been grounded or had their phones consistently confiscated and riffled through, only learn to be mistrusting of their parents — losing a sense of personal independence, privacy, and autonomy that’s required for their success in adulthood.
Without honest communication and a more emotionally available family dynamic early in life, adult children never learn how to be effective, empathetic, and intuitive communicators, sabotaging not just their future relationships, but their general health and wellbeing.
6. They struggle with low self-esteem
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While a reliance on a punishment like grounding might seem relatively benign, the root of the issue lies in a parent’s emotional disconnect. Instead of opting for moments of connection and honest communication, grounding places an emphasis on a child’s misbehavior with avoidance and isolation, leaving the root cause of a child’s behavior unaddressed.
According to counselor Steve Rose, this kind of avoidance and disconnect encourages children to view their parents as a sign of stress, rather than support. Their unmet needs and unresolved resentment continues to follow them into adulthood, tainting their family dynamic, but also their personal self-esteem, worth, and future relationships.
7. They’re uncomfortable with discipling their own children
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Unresolved childhood trauma has profound impacts on adult children, from sparking depression and anxiety, to sabotaging future relationships, and disconnecting new parents from their own children. Not only are they battling the resentment they often still hold towards their own parents and childhood, they weren’t given the opportunity to learn how to emotionally connect, support, and healthily discipline their kids as a result of their upbringing.
This kind of generational resentment and trauma can be easily carried through adult children starting their own families, sometimes causing new young parents to repeat the same mistakes as their parents out of pure necessity and a lack of knowledge.
As a parent, you can address childhood trauma in your kids with empathy and a willingness to listen, even if you don’t share their experience or necessarily agree with their perspective, like psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein argues. Opting for connection, trusting communication, and radical empathy is healthier for everyone, including your adult children’s new families — who are yearning for a supportive, present, and open-minded parent.
8. They’re impulsive
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Like a study published by the University of Michigan argues, many adult children grappling with unresolved childhood trauma or unmet needs from early in life tend to be more impulsive. Their inability to process new information and uncomfortable emotions — usually from a lack of teachable moments during childhood — makes impulse control much more difficult, especially in high-pressure or overly emotional scenarios.
9. They struggle with emotional intimacy in adult relationships
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Psychiatrist Carly Snyder argues that a fear of intimacy in adults is often sparked early in life, as a result of disconnected parents or unmet emotional needs in childhood. Of course, using grounding as a punishment isn’t typically the sole cause of this anxiety, but rather a bigger picture of emotional neglect or isolation that a child’s unaddressed emotions or misbehavior sparks.
Often forced to people-please to protect themselves from constant punishment early in life, this fear of intimacy and vulnerability in adult children is often one of the subtle traits of adult who got grounded a lot as kids. They actively work to hide their uncomfortable emotions or perceived mistakes, even into adulthood, as a knee-jerk reaction to their unresolved childhood trauma or toxic relationship with their parents.
10. They feel pressured to ‘prove’ themselves to be loved, respected, and valued
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Motivated by external validation and perfectionism as a result of their anxiety over punishment early in life, many adult children feel pressured to prove their worth in their adult relationships and connections. A defense mechanism against a fear of abandonment or judgment, this pressure often sabotages healthy relationships by feeding into a cycle of low self-esteem, external validation, and sometimes attention-seeking behaviors.
Of course, not every parent who relies on punishments like grounding are malicious, but it’s important to recognize how controlling mechanisms or forced isolation in response to a child’s misbehavior can spark resentment that’s just as negatively impactful as general neglect or emotional invalidation.
11. They seek external validation from others
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Many adult children who lacked independence and autonomy as a result of an overbearing parent early in life tend to resort towards hyper-independence and controlling behaviors in adulthood. They believe a misguided truth that they can control their image by seeking validation or trying too hard to impress people. They often believe their worth is ingrained in transactional interactions, where social connection and misguided love can feed into their self-esteem.
According to psychologist Mark Travers, this independence and sometimes competition can be the key for someone who’s yearning for attention and external validation to assert the superiority they lacked early in life in adult relationships. However, they’re only feeding into a cycle of misguided control and insecurity by linking their self-esteem to external praise and validation.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.