Son Distances Himself From His Parents After He Overhears Them Say They Love Each Other More Than They Love Him
Is it alright to love your spouse more than your children? Experts think so.
fizkes | Shutterstock Some things leave a mark, even when they happened years ago. One man was unable to move past words he overheard when he was 10-years-old, leading to years of animosity with his parents.
According to a concerned dad on Reddit, his son pulled away emotionally after moving out on his own because he claimed he overheard his parents say they loved each other more than him when he was just a kid.
A concerned father took to Reddit looking for advice after his son distanced himself over a conversation he claimed he overheard when he was 10.
“My son moved out right after graduating college last year,” he explained in his post. “Since then, he’s been very preoccupied with his own life. My wife and I couldn’t be prouder of him, but we do wish he made a little more effort to keep in touch — especially since he only lives 30 minutes away.”
“Months would go by without hearing from him, and we were always the ones to reach out first,” he said. “We never complained about it to him — until my wife’s birthday.” He wrote, “Her birthday was two days ago, and we didn’t get a call or a surprise visit,” the father lamented. “She was a little upset but chose not to confront him. I decided to call him about it — not out of anger, just as a reminder.”
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The son claimed that when he was a kid, he heard his parents say they loved each other more than him.
“I said, ‘Hey buddy, you missed your mom’s birthday,’” he recounted. “He immediately apologized and asked me to wish her a happy birthday on his behalf. I told him it would be nice if he could visit us soon because we miss him.”
“Apparently, that set him off,” he shared. “He told me that he has his own life to live and that we have ours. I told him I understood, but we’re still his parents and want to stay close. That’s when he bluntly said he doesn’t want a close relationship with us and that he’s frustrated we won’t leave him alone.”
When he asked why his son felt that way, he was pretty shocked by his response. “I asked him why, and out of nowhere, he brought up something from when he was 10-years-old,” he stated. “He said he overheard my wife and me saying that we love each other more than we love him. I was completely confused because I don’t recall ever saying anything like that.”
His son informed him that “that conversation has tainted his view of our relationship ever since.” The father’s response to this was perhaps not the most tactful. “I told him there was nothing wrong with what I said and that he was acting like a self-centered brat who thinks the world revolves around him,” he said.
It’s normal, and even encouraged, to love your spouse more than your children.
Who you should love more and prioritize first between your spouse and your children is a tricky question, and one that can lead to lots of controversy. However, facts seem to suggest that loving your spouse more is acceptable.
Writing for the National Fatherhood Initiative, Vincent DiCaro pointed out, “While we don’t yet have research that shows specifically that marriages in which the spouses love each other more than the kids produce ‘better kids,’ we do know that kids who grow up in married homes do better, on average, across every measure of child well-bring. We also know that divorce is not good for children.”
Still, commenters on Reddit felt the dad didn’t handle the situation well.
Even though it’s fine to love your spouse more than your children, commenters on Reddit noted that the father didn’t address his son’s hurt feelings very delicately. As one said, “Your son’s entire life since the age of 10 has been spent believing that he never mattered, not really, to the two people in his world who, under normal circumstances, would have mattered more than anyone.”
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While there was nothing inherently wrong with what this man and his wife told each other, he has to consider the effect it has had on his son and what that means for their relationship. His son is not self-centered; he’s simply feeling neglected.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.