Single Mom Asks How To Rebuild Trust After Her 22-Year-Old Says She ‘Failed’ As A Parent
Having hard conversations is the first step.
fizkes / Shutterstock Going from adolescence into our 20s is a time of reflection — when we look back on how we were raised and decide how we want to enter the world. Like any transformation, these years come with growing pains and hard moments that ultimately lead us to a more authentic life.
We might reevaluate our childhoods and the ways we were parented in an effort to figure out what kind of adults we want to be. Yet that reexamination can be painful, as one parent discovered after an emotional conversation with their child.
A single mom asked how to rebuild trust after her 22-year-old said she ‘failed’ as a parent.
The mom wrote to the r/parenting subreddit, explaining that her child lives in a different state to pursue higher education. On a recent visit, they opened up about their mental health struggles, which started when they were young.
“I raised them as a single mother with limited resources or outside support,” she wrote. “I had to work hard to provide all the things that people consider a good childhood. Lessons, camps, vacations, extracurricular activities, but I got it done.”
“By working odd hours, I was able to be present during the day and attend nearly every event,” she continued.
Yet her child revealed that they’d been combatting anxiety and depression since childhood, telling the mom that she “should have noticed and been more productive with support and access to therapy.”
She relayed how her child interpreted her parenting, which was that “I dismissed problems that [I] should have noticed from stress and was generally just a bad parent.”
The mom acknowledged her child’s emotions without dismissing their experience, even though it stung.
“This was very difficult to hear, but I accept that this was their perception of how life was then,” she said. “I deeply apologized for my mistakes, but I don’t know how to move forward and rebuild trust that I didn’t even know I had lost.”
The majority of the comments held space for the mom and her child, with many people sharing their own experiences of being 22 and resenting their parents for how they were raised.
“This made me feel heartsick because I so vividly remember telling my mom the same thing at the same age,” one person shared. “All you can do is apologize, recognize that you weren’t perfect, and support their mental health journey.”
Another person expressed gratitude that the mom validated her child’s experience, urging her to accept that she parented as best she could with the resources she had.
“There will be a point where they realize this," they added. "It’s part of their journey now to heal what they feel hurts.”
“I was also raised by a single mother, and at 22, I could still be too focused at times on perceived ‘wrongs’ instead of all the rights,” someone else said. “Maturity usually helps clear these things up in recognizing our parents are neither perfect nor clairvoyant.”
The mom responded, explaining that their child was in therapy at school, “but the therapist apparently confirmed that I could have done better, so they stopped going.”
“I did offer the opportunity for therapy in the junior and high school years, but they declined. My own therapist recommended I not press the issue, so I stopped offering,” she said.
fizkes / Shutterstock
While the way we’re parented has a direct impact on our attachment styles, our future relationships, and our worldview, at some point, our mental health becomes our own responsibility. In the end, we’re the only ones capable of healing ourselves, but that’s only if we commit to doing the work.
There’s value in naming our wounds, yet making a home within them keeps us from moving forward.
All the mom can really do is let her child know she’s open to repair and that her love is strong, even when it feels like that wasn’t enough.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.