11 Signs Your Parents Yelled At Each Other A Lot When You Were Growing Up & It’s Affecting You Now
Our childhood experience lingers with us well into adulthood, even if we’re not entirely aware of it.
Andreshkova Nastya | Shutterstock.com We often carry our childhood experiences with us into adulthood, whether we grew up in a relatively supportive home or not. Especially for adult children who carry unresolved childhood trauma with them, the feelings of anxiety, grief, and resentment that build up over time can negatively impact their relationships, self-esteem, and personal development in profound ways.
According to The Wave Clinic, "Children who have lived in high conflict with hostile interactions between parents are less able to solve problems, negotiate interpersonal relationships and have higher levels of social anxiety."
In order to heal from the lingering effects of an unfortunate childhood situation, it’s necessary to first acknowledge them. If your parents yelled at each other a lot when you were growing up and it’s affecting you now, it’s possible to move forward in ways that can benefit your long-term health, well-being, and social connection.
Here are 11 signs your parents yelled at each other a lot when you were growing up and it’s affecting you now
1. You struggle to express your emotions
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Many adult children who struggle with emotional regulation and coping mechanisms resort to anger, frustration, or isolation when they’re forced to express difficult emotions or involve themselves in uncomfortable and innately vulnerable conversations. Even with their partners or close friends, they’ve been indirectly taught by their parents that their emotions are a burden that should be kept private to keep the peace in relationships.
Especially for men, who might have been influenced by their parents’ toxicity alongside other societal expectations for male vulnerability, it can be even harder for them to express their emotions — sabotaging the health of their relationships and social connections.
2. Even healthy arguments make you feel anxious
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From a fear of rejection to anxiety about control, and of course, unresolved childhood trauma, many adult children struggle whose parents yelled at each other a lot struggle when it comes to healthy conflict resolution. Coming from a home constantly riddled with unnecessary conflict, arguments, and hostility between their parents, these adult children find it overwhelming to navigate even the healthiest of disagreements in their daily lives.
According to experts from Grouport Therapy, addressing the anxiety you experience during arguments can be essential for growth. Find ways to communicate your anxiety to your partner, take space to unpack your own emotions, and ensure you're practicing staying present and actively engaged in conflicts.
Even when it’s uncomfortable, addressing conflicts directly will always be healthier for a relationship than letting them fester and transform into resentment down the road.
3. You resort to people-pleasing to avoid conflict
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According to Dr. Harold Bloomfield, in his book “Making Peace With Your Parents,” people-pleasing behaviors aren’t always directed towards parents, especially for adult children navigating their independent lives. The “approval trap” they fall into generally stems into other areas of their lives, from work relationships to intimate connections, urging them to protect the peace and avoid conflicts by repressing their own emotions and needs.
Of course, avoiding conflict only leads to resentment, especially when personal emotional needs are going consistently unmet, uncommunicated, and unacknowledged.
4. You struggle to trust people
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Trust is the basis for all healthy relationships. In fact, an Eastern Illinois University survey found that 100% of respondents named trustworthiness as the most important factor in their intimate relationships as adults. However, adult children whose parents yelled at each other a lot tend to struggle with trusting others, as it forces them to let down their own emotional guards.
Without a safe and secure environment growing up, children struggle to trust their parents to genuinely support them and their authentic identities, emotions, and problems instead holding it all in to “keep the peace.” Learning how to let that guard down as an adult is challenging but possible with the right partner, supportive environment, and commitment to growth and occasional discomfort.
5. You struggle to assert your boundaries
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Children whose parents yelled at each other a lot when they were growing up often felt like they were walking on eggshells, trying to protect the peace in their family by avoiding arguments or ensuring their parents were always happy. As adults, they struggle with saying “no” or asserting their boundaries. They’re less likely to prioritize their own needs and emotional well-being, especially when it makes other people uncomfortable.
Always absorbing other people’s emotions, experts from EB Psychotherapy explain, highly sensitive and overly empathetic people tend to put their own emotional needs on hold to protect themselves from dealing with discomfort, conflict, or tension in their adult relationships. Of course, repressing their emotions and trying to control a relationship dynamic only sparks an anxious attachment founded on a fear of abandonment and betrayal that creates more stress.
Creating a safe space for yourself, both to unpack these emotions and practice open communication about your insecurities, emotional needs, and fears, can be the key to regaining confidence amid discomfort. Remember, healthy relationships flourish with clear boundaries, especially with the right friend, partner, or peer to accept and celebrate them.
6. You self-sabotage intimate relationships
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The signs your parents yelled at each other a lot when you were growing up and it’s affecting you now include a tendency towards self-sabotage.
These now adult children may retreat in the face of intimacy to misguidedly protect themselves from being hurt by becoming too invested. Afraid of criticism, sharing their true authentic self, and having to mediate conflicts — especially with someone who knows them well — they steer clear of vulnerability.
A fear of commitment can also stem from cynicism about relationships in general, according to experts from the Lukin Center for Psychotherapy, especially for adult children who grew up in a hostile household with parents who constantly yelled at each other or fought. Unlearning this fear of intimacy can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Start with open communication, a safe space, and a commitment to getting out of your comfort zone.
7. You’re a perfectionist
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Perfectionism, while sometimes productive in traditional institutions like the workplace, is generally a misguided and toxic trait in adults — especially when it’s cultivated as a defense mechanism against criticism. Typically anxious around conflict, judgement, or criticism as a result of growing up in a relatively hostile and unpredictable home environment, adult children who become perfectionists cling to their achievement as a means of control.
Overcompensating to ensure nothing in their life goes wrong, a flawed and toxic mindset according to experts from the University of Michigan, perfectionists tend to overexert themselves towards burnout and struggle with self-esteem, because their ability to succeed is tied into their self-worth and general wellbeing.
8. You struggle with low self-esteem
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Like E. Mark Cummings explains in the book “Marital Conflict and Children: An Emotional Security Perspective,” conflict is part of any family dynamic and everyday life. It’s not necessarily whether or not parents fight that influences their children, but rather how they fight.
If issues are expressed, communicated through, and ultimately resolved, children have the opportunity to learn conflict resolution, communication skills, and empathy. However, if their parents rely on name-calling, guilt-tripping, threats of abandonment, or tactics like the silent treatment, their children develop anxious, hopeless, and isolated mindsets around conflict and arguments.
This kind of isolation and their sense of responsibility to keep the peace between their parents often leads to low self-esteem in young kids, who may feel inherently unworthy of genuine attention, comfort, and security at home. In adulthood, this fear of abandonment, conflict, and constant anxiety continues to feed into a cycle of insecurity, impacting their relationships, social connections, and general identity to a detrimental extent.
9. Your relationship with your siblings is toxic or nonexistent
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As Cummings continues to explain in writings on his research on marital conflict, many children with hostile home environments don’t only struggle to maintain healthy relationships with their peers, but also with other members of their families. Either disengaged and distant or overly protective, oftentimes siblings have trouble finding a healthy balance of connection and support amid a toxic and unstable home environment.
In adulthood, the resentment these children experience towards their parents can manifest in uncomfortable ways, sometimes at the expense of their relationship with their siblings. Not only their siblings and inherent reminder of the trauma and instability of their childhood, they tend to revert back to unhealthy versions of themselves when they’re together, especially if they’re not committed to unlearning old and toxic habits.
10. You struggle with codependency in relationships
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According to a study from UCLA, adult children who grew up in “risky family environments” have more physical, emotional, and social problems than those who didn’t — including substance abuse, dependency issues, depression, and immune system problems. Seeking a sense of comfort, control, and stability that they couldn’t achieve growing up, these substances and codependency issues in relationships serve as a “safe place” in adulthood, even if they’re at the expense of their health.
11. You struggle with constructive feedback and criticism
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According to experts from Harvard Business Review, sensitive people with low self-esteem often struggle to accept constructive criticism and feedback in various aspects of their lives. Even when it’s well-intentioned, any kind of criticism feels like a direct attack on their character and trigger for the kind of conflict they’re actively trying to avoid, whether at work or in a personal relationship.
This kind of anxious mentality not only sabotages an adult child's chances for personal growth and professional opportunity, it isolates them from situations where they could practice conflict resolution, open communication, and trust.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.