11 Signs You Were Raised By A Mom Who Secretly Didn't Like Being A Mom
Children who grow up with detached parents often adopt their unhealthy mindsets and behaviors later in life.
FOUR.STOCK | Shutterstock Many women struggle with the all-consuming identity of being a mother, especially in family dynamics where they're expected to adopt responsibilities like emotional labor, professional aspirations, and childcare alongside a male partner. However, many of the signs you were raised by a mom who secretly didn't like being a mom stem from issues and resentments much deeper than simple "identity erasure."
From managing their own emotional turmoil and mental illness, to battling insecurity, and even navigating a tumultuous romantic relationship while learning to parent, it's not uncommon for children's needs to go unmet with a disconnected mom. However, recognizing these behaviors can help adult children to give grace to their struggling parents or, at the very least, pave a healthier path forward for themselves, without being shackled by the insecurities and trauma their detached mothers sparked.
Here are 11 signs you were raised by a mom who secretly didn't like being a mom
1. You felt lonely even in her presence
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While the experience of growing up feeling unloved by a mother or parent isn't a unique or uncommon one, it can urge children to feel excluded and ashamed, even into adulthood.
According to Susan Forward, the author of "Mothers Who Can't Love, A Healing Guide For Daughters," feeling unloved is often rooted in not feeling heard by a parent who's not invested in learning about their children or getting to know them in any capacity.
"There's a shame around [being unloved by your mother], like there's something wrong with you," Forward said. "If I wasn't loved, maybe I wasn't lovable. If a mother is unloving, it's taboo because in society, Mother is this giving, loving embracing person in fantasy. It's such a terrible loss and deprivation."
Unmet emotional needs that spark feelings of isolation and loneliness growing up can feel like a personal attack, but whether you're dealing with a narcissistic parent or even a mom who secretly didn't like being a parent, these emotional gaps have nothing to do with any kind of faults of their children.
It's typically a parent's insecurity, mental illness, chronic stress, or other situational struggles that fuel their disconnect and resentment.
2. She demonized your emotions
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Parents who tend to dismiss their children's emotions and fall short on supporting their emotional needs craft people-pleasing and insecure adults. Self-awareness, self-esteem, and general vulnerability are built early in life, helping children to excel in academic environments, craft better relationships, and build important feelings of self-worth from a young age, like a 2007 study suggests.
However, many parents who struggle with their parenting identity or generally dislike the vulnerability of supporting their children's complex emotions — while struggling with their own emotional intelligence — can fall into the habit of demonizing, dismissing, and invalidating their kids.
When they grow up, these consequences linger, encouraging adult children to sidestep vulnerability in their relationships and view their needs as burdens rather than requirements.
3. She didn't care to learn about your interests
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Many women, whether they want children or not, experience personal "identity erasure" in the face of motherhood — losing time, energy, and space to pursue their own interests and craft a personality and identity outside of their responsibilities as a parent.
While it's possible to overcome this erasure and make space for both being a mother and an individual, it's not an easy task. Many women end up feeling resentful toward their innocent children for "taking away" this identity, when it's truly their personal obligation and choice to maintain and cultivate.
This resentment can take many forms, but it often manifests itself in the signs you were raised by a mom who secretly didn't like being a mom, including not taking the time to invest in building her children's personal identities.
From demonizing their creativity, to falling short at leading insightful conversations about self-reflection and identity, and even modeling a toxic relationship with hobbies, self-care, and personal growth, mothers who secretly despised their own identity erasure may cope with sabotaging their child's.
4. She was overly critical of you
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According to a study from the Journal of Affective Disorders, children who perceive their parents to be overly critical often face heightened rates of depression and anxiety, constantly subjected to judgment and unnecessary criticism for expressing their needs, emotions, and even personal identity.
Regardless of where this critical attitude stems from — whether it's narcissism, insecurity, or identity turmoil — it can manifest in a number of harmful ways in a parent-child relationship. A study from Psychological Bulletin on highly critical parenting styles suggests that children who grow up subjected to unrealistic expectations and judgment from parents tend to adopt harmful perfectionist attitudes that follow them into adulthood.
Reflecting on your childhood as an adult can be difficult, especially coming to terms with many of the signs you were raised by a mom who secretly didn't like being a mom, but overcoming the learned behaviors and these harmful mentalities can be equally profound and empowering.
5. She used you as a scapegoat for her own mistakes
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Many resentful mothers who feel a lack of control over their own life and identity use guilt-tripping behaviors as a means to wield control over their children's lives and routines. Whether it's adopting a victim mentality and blaming their kids for their own faults, demonizing their children for expressing their needs, or shying away from vulnerable conversations that illuminate their shortcomings as a parent, weaponizing shame has severe consequences.
This need for control can also be a sign of a narcissistic parent. They only "play the role" of a happy and healthy parent when it benefits them or they became a parent for the sole purpose of having people to control, on the extreme side of things.
By blaming their kids for their own unhappiness, anxiety, or loss of identity, they unhealthily cope with resentment at the expense of their family dynamic, encouraging their kids to stay quiet when they need something or avoid vulnerability to protect the peace at home.
6. She overstepped your boundaries
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Feeling constantly disrespected is one of the common signs you were raised by a mom who secretly didn't like being a mom. Rather than being a pillar of affection, support, and respect, these mothers weaponized a traditional power dynamic at home and found ways to ensure your boundaries were overstepped while maintaining a toxic double standard where hers were always a top priority.
From overstepping expectations of privacy to giving unsolicited advice, children of these mothers often become emotionally unregulated and anxious, falling into a state of constant "fight or flight" that was ultimately regulated by their mother's comfort and happiness.
7. She intentionally withheld affection and praise
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Children who grow up in transactional environments at home, with parents who withheld affection and only offered praise in return for something tangible, often experience subtle emotional neglect. Rather than feeling unconditionally loved and supported, regardless of their mood, emotional expression, or needs, they adopted a misguided truth that their needs were a burden unless they had something to offer.
Many mothers, who feel resentment toward their children and struggle with unconditional affection and support, rely on this transactional sentiment to get what they want without shame. From subtle disciplinary measures with a reward/punishment system to more extreme behaviors like emotional manipulation, mothers who don't appreciate the beauty in vulnerability of parenthood rely on control to fulfill their needs.
According to a study from Child Development, this emotional manipulation has severe consequences if left unchecked for children, not just early in life, but in their later adult lives and relationships. "Close relationships are likely to be seen as sources of stress," Researchers argued in the study, "rather than sources of support, and so individuals may avoid them altogether [in adulthood] or may develop somewhat distant relationships marked by withdrawal."
8. She subtly sabotaged your success
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Many mothers who struggle with insecurity and emotional vulnerability personally adopt harmful behaviors that subtly affect their children, but it's just as possible for the signs you were raised by a mom who secretly didn't like being a mom to be more clear and inescapable.
For example, these kinds of mothers may use phrases like "I could have done that, if I didn't have kids" or "You're not good enough to do that" to subtly shame and condemn their kids for achieving out of spite, resentment, or jealousy.
Of course, these outright narcissistic tendencies have detrimental effects on their children's self-esteem, like a 2014 study from Smith College suggests, but a mother's envious behaviors can also subtly sabotage their kids' tangible success and personal growth.
By only using their kids' accomplishments or their parental identity for external validation, only to be overly critical and judgmental at home, these kids learn to keep their excitement and joy to themselves, adopting mentalities that shame them into sharing their success later in life with close friends and peers.
For many mothers who're already resentful of their kids, knowing they can't live through you triggers them to demonize your personal choices and the unique identity you're seeking outside the family dynamic and their realm of control.
9. She reminded everyone of her success before kids
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One of the common signs your mom didn't like being a parent is constantly hearing about how her life "could have been better" if it wasn't for having children. From boasting about her prior successes to shaming her children for their needs, these kinds of parents are more focused on living in the past than supporting their children and reworking their personal identity in the present moment.
While these passing phrases and behaviors can be unsuspecting as kids, as an adult, it's easier to recognize the resentment that sparks envious mothers to yearn for validation and a past version of themselves. Especially if they're unable to live out their own aspirations or goals through their children, overbearing and envious parents can feel out of control and left behind.
10. She picked favorites between your siblings
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According to the American Psychological Association, parental favoritism isn't a myth — it's actually quite common across many different parenting styles and family dynamics. However, having a favorite child and acting on that favoritism looks completely different for parents who resent their children or dislike being a parent, in general.
Coupled with transactional parenting behaviors like withholding affection, a mother who consistently favors one child may be more willing to disregard the other's needs, giving one more support, praise, and love than the other. Especially if their favorite child aligns with their own needs, desires, and aspirations, these mothers may be more likely to spend quality time with their "favorite child" and completely dismiss the other.
A 2022 study on sibling dynamics even found that siblings who grew up in adverse childhood environments, like with a parent who consistently resented their presence, grew apart from each other, especially in adulthood when their siblings became a reminder of their childhood trauma or personal favoritism resentment.
11. She was jealous of your other parental bonds
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A mother who struggles to embrace parenthood may grow envious of her children's bonds with her own romantic partners or family members, resenting them for receiving the unconditional love, support, or priority they're yearning for.
While it can be subtle, like many of the other signs you were raised by a mom who secretly didn't like being a mom, this sentiment often fuels harmful parental alienation behaviors. Especially between separated or divorced parents, who urge children to "pick a side" in a relationship at home, mothers who already struggle to prioritize a healthy relationship with their kids may rely on controlling and manipulative behaviors to seek revenge on their partners and peers.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.