5 Subtle Signs You're Finally Ready To Let A Parent Who Deeply Hurt You Back Into Your Life
Healing doesn't come with a roadmap.
Giorgio Trovato | Unsplash Countless studies support the fact that healing from the effects of childhood emotional neglect or abuse is a long journey. Often, the journey requires distance from the parent or family member who was a source of the problem.
In time, through self-reflection, social support, therapy, or various other means, the adult child who distanced themselves for the good of their healing journey wonders if it is okay to reconnect and try to rebuild a relationship with the estranged parent or family member. Here are the subtle signs you may be emotionally ready to reopen the door.
Here are five subtle signs you're finally ready to let a parent who deeply hurt you back into your life:
1. There's observable change in their behavior
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A key sign that it might be safe to reconnect with a parent is an observable change in their behavior. Are they taking responsibility for past mistakes? Is there tangible evidence of improvement?
For example, they might begin to engage positively with family members, such as paying more attention to their grandchildren, or they might acknowledge and take active steps to address personal issues, such as substance abuse. These changes suggest they are making sincere efforts to alter their behavior, which can be a foundational step toward rebuilding trust.
— Erika Jordan, Dating Coach / NLP Practitioner
2. Your therapist approves
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You might go a year without speaking to each other, and then slowly start to introduce a healthy relationship in which you feel safe and respected.
Once you’ve taken the initiative to essentially cut this person off, you're going to feel a wave of emotions. These emotions will likely include guilt, sorrow, anger, and maybe even regret. It's normal!
You can benefit from talking to a therapist in situations like this, especially if you're finding these feelings to be overwhelming. They will help you work through the transition of no longer speaking to your family members. The therapist can also help you decide when and if to let the family member back into your life.
— Lindsey Matthews, Journalist
3. You feel secure in your own life
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It's safe when you feel secure in your own life and not dependent on your parents' approval, kindness, or understanding.
— Larry Michel, The Love Shepherd
Research suggests that a strong sense of self, including emotional security and self-esteem, allows individuals to approach the situation with greater clarity, boundaries, and a more objective perspective. This security can enable healthier decision-making regarding whether and how to reintegrate the family member into their life.
4. You can trust they've changed
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I'm going to answer this oppositely. Many parents go into a 12-step program or into anger management classes strictly to repair their family relationships.
However, few of them stay in the program long enough before reaching out and asking for reconnection. It can take up to ten years for someone to become clean and work the twelve steps enough to be trusted not to fall into problematic behaviors. Therefore, I always advise people to wait a long time before reconnecting and track the progress in real-time of their relative's recovery.
— Susan Allan, Life Coach and Founder, The Marriage Forum Inc.
5. They've apologized
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A sincere apology from parents often goes a long way with children. If the parent realizes they are part of the problem and wish to make amends, many adult children may choose to resume their relationship on a new, more mentally healthful basis.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Therapist and author
Don't forget, there were clear reasons for distancing from a parent. The health and well-being of the individuals who cut themselves off from the relationship took precedence. Their healing journey necessitated the distancing.
They are the ones to decide if and when the time will come to reconnect. If the estranged parent wonders how to facilitate this process, they need only to look within. Starting their healing journey to change is a significant contributor to lessening the distance.
Parents, do the work of self-discovery and healing, get help, be committed to change, and apologize. For those who have distanced themselves, you are the only one who knows when the time is right.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
