8 Signs You Were Raised By Transactional Parents Who Expect You To Repay Them For Your Childhood
Your parents were never really concerned with your needs.
fizkes | Shutterstock When noticing the signs you were raised by transactional parents who expect you to repay them for your childhood, you're probably left questioning yourself.
Most transactional parents don't fully understand how their sparse love impacts their kids for the worse. To them, putting a roof over your head and food on the table was more than enough. However, there are drastic consequences for parents who think this way.
Worsening mental health, future dysfunctional relationships, trust issues — these problems that began in childhood can eventually lead to a lifetime of hurt and pain.
Here are 8 signs you were raised by transactional parents who expect you to repay them for your childhood
1. They bartered with you
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Growing up, your parents tended to barter with you. Maybe they said something along the lines of, "If you clean the dishes for a week, then I'll buy you that game you want." This indicates that you were raised by transactional parents who expect you to repay them for your childhood.
On the surface, these statements might not seem problematic. After all, relationships are a give and take. But parents looking at their relationship with their child as a transactional isn't healthy.
As a child, this way of thinking likely convinced you that everything good in life needs to be earned and won, and that not even something as simple as wanting your parents to do a nice thing for you should come easily or freely.
2. They felt entitled to everything that was yours
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Transactional parents who expect you to repay them for your childhood feel entitled to everything you owned because they are the ones who technically bought it for you. They may have looked through your personal items and said, "I bought you this, so I own it, not you."
This act of betrayal can sting for many reasons.
According to psychotherapist and author Sean Grover L.C.S.W., a parent's lack of boundaries creates lasting trust issues in children. He added that parents who don't give their kids the independence necessary to grow up end up creating children who are ashamed of their own needs.
Additionally, research published in the International Journal of Aging and Human Development found that betrayal trauma caused adolescents to report emotional regulation difficulties, aggression, and poor communication skills – specifically, when they were engaged in a stressful situation with their mothers.
Transactional parents who viewed your possessions as an extension of theirs didn't fully value or care about your feelings. They used the fact that they purchased something for you as a means to betray your trust, causing irreversible damage.
3. They gave affection based on how you behaved
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Transactional parents don't understand that their affection shouldn't be based on how you behave; rather, affection from a parent should be based on the unconditional love they have for their kids.
Unfortunately, transactional parents don't view it that way. In their mind, they don't believe that supposed "bad children" deserve praise. They think they shouldn't freely give affection because they don't want to reward you for bad behavior.
Research published in the Journal Of Psychology and Psychiatry determined that having a healthy parent-child relationship can greatly impact you. Researchers concluded that parent-child relationships based on positivity increased children's self-worth, which, in turn, increased their mental health.
If you grew up with parents who withheld affection when you were "poorly behaved," it's a glaring sign that their love is transactional, not unconditional like it should be.
4. They never talked to you unless they needed something
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When you were a child, your parents didn't talk to you unless they really needed something, which felt extremely hurtful. It made you feel used, and like all you were good for was doing favors for them.
Transactional parents don't view affection or basic conversation as a need. For them, if they provided you with a place to live, clothes to wear and food to eat, you should be grateful for what you have. But when they needed something in return, all of a sudden they acted like your best friend, even though they continuously ignored your needs.
According to research from the journal Healthcare, parent abandonment is defined as abuse, neglect, or rejection. Based on this definition, researchers found that kids who grew up in institutional care reported higher levels of shame and guilt. Additionally, parental rejection produced similar results related to guilt, and kids who grew up in broken homes had a higher chance of engaging in reckless behavior.
As an adult, you shouldn't feel bad for rejecting your parents for their unhealthy and toxic behavior, as their lack of care and neglect certainly impacted your mental health.
5. They uplifted you to make themselves look good
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At family reunions or in front of their friends, transactional parents only uplifted you to make themselves look good. At home, they offered nothing to motivate or inspire you, saving their falsehoods for a public setting.
It's assumed that parents who brag about their kids do so to bolster themselves through you. In their eyes, your accomplishments were the result of their hard work, not yours. If you ever pointed out that they had little involvement in your accomplishments, they would quickly sweep it all under the rug.
These self-serving parents didn't do you much of a favor growing up. They likely provided only the bare necessities, but didn't help you with your studies, nor did they help foster a level of confidence while you grew into your own skin. And no matter how hard you argued against them, in the end, they weren't open to reason.
6. They compared you to others to 'motivate' you
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Another of the signs of transactional parents who expect you to repay them for your childhood is how they would compare you to others, usually as a way to light a metaphorical fire under you to motivate you to work harder. But in the process, they diminished your self-worth and confidence.
According to research from the journal Current Psychology, people felt increasingly negative about themselves when comparing themselves to people who were doing better in life. Social comparison leads to re-evaluating your quality of life, and can cause a discrepancy in your ideal self versus your real self.
Growing up, your transactional parents compared you to others, so as an adult, you may feel depressed, distressed, or worry about your mental health.
7. They took away your freedoms
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As children grow up, they need to be given the freedom to explore themselves and the world around them, and learn certain skills to become confident and self-reliant. Unfortunately, your transactional parents tended to take away these freedoms, which stunted your emotional growth.
Maybe they said something like, "You need to earn my trust" after you asked to hang out with friends. They gave excuse after excuse as to why you couldn't do certain things, whether it was attending a friend's birthday party, a sleepover, or even an extracurricular activity after school.
Taking away a child's freedom just because they had a small mishap or made a mistake can create anxiety down the road, as they struggle to come to terms with what they believe they can do, and what they have been taught to suppress.
8. They spent time with you as a reward
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Being raised by transactional parents taught you that time spent together was a reward, not a right. Growing up, your parents probably sat you down and promised that if you got perfect grades or stuck with your chores or became the "perfect" child they wanted, they would spend quality time with you.
Essentially, they bribed you, but never followed through on their promises or made excuses as to why now wasn't a good time to be together. And even if they did keep their word, it taught you that the right to your parent's time depended on if you were perfect or not.
Feeling pressured, you did your best to make them proud. But most of the time, their words never aligned with their actions, leaving you feeling betrayed. As an adult, you may now be estranged from your parents.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.