The 2 Cardinal Rules For Keeping The Peace With Your In-Laws, According To A Family Therapist
How to plan for the worst so things can work out for the best.
Jacob Lund | Canva People who are recently married and those married for a while can find it hard to set boundaries with in-laws. It can be hard to stick up for yourself and your family — especially when in-laws are unaware of their sense of entitlement or inability to respect boundaries. So, you and your spouse need to work together and keep those problematic in-laws at bay.
Here are the 2 cardinal rules for keeping the peace with your in-laws, according to a family therapist
Luckily, therapist Deborah Krevalin is here to help by sharing the two ways you can set better boundaries with your in-laws.
1. Don't confront them
Never and I mean never confront your in-laws. Krevalin explains, "The rule of thumb is each partner addresses their own parents, their own family." But why is this?
If you take it upon yourself to address the issue, you're going to stir up drama. Let's face it, nobody wants to hear what they're doing wrong or not doing right. It's uncomfortable and will cause anyone to go into defensive mode.
Interpersona: An International Journal on Personal Relationships published research that suggests this is why you should depend on your partner for help. Tell your partner, "Listen, these are your parents and I think it would be best if you brought it up to them." But, what if your partner doesn't feel comfortable with it?
Well, one of two things are going to happen. Either they'll have to learn how to be comfortable with it or your relationship will take a huge hit. In both situations, it's not going to be easy.
2. Be clear in your boundaries
When we set boundaries we're often unclear. We leave room for interpretation, which is dangerous as it can lead to misunderstandings.
Krevalin also adds, "You and your partner need to decide for each other, and if you have kids, as a family, what the boundaries are." Where are your boundary lines, and what do or don't you feel comfortable with collectively as a family?
For instance, if you just had a baby, you need to discuss how long do the in-laws need to wait until they can come to see the baby. Do you want their parents or your parents in the delivery room? What physical contact are you comfortable with their parents giving your children?
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Many people don't have these discussions beforehand. Because of this, it can cause major issues down the road and lead to frustration and possibly divorce, as indicated in a study in Research in Human Development Journal. And no one wants that.
The solution is to always be open and honest with your partner. Have the hard conversations and set boundaries before you need them. Understand that building a family and navigating boundaries with in-laws takes compromise and hard work. However, with patience and effort from both partners, it'll be much easier to achieve.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.