Relationship Coach Reveals The 5 Ways Narcissist Parents Justify Financially & Emotionally Abandoning Their Kids
“How could a person do all of this if they love their children? They wouldn’t.”
imtmphoto / Shutterstock.com While most people have an idea about how a narcissist acts in theory, it can be difficult to truly identify them in your own home — whether it’s a partner, sibling, or even a parent. Because they are family and you care about them deeply, you likely make excuses for their actions, often to your own detriment.
Whether it’s failing to show up, refusing to pay child support, or simply lacking empathy in general, narcissistic parents often justify these unfortunate actions by shifting accountability away or making excuses for their behavior. But, almost always, they’re the ones to blame.
“To a narcissist, love is conditional,” relationship coach Lisa Sonni, known as @_stronger_than_before_ on TikTok, admitted. “Love is only given on the condition that the child is able to meet the narcissist’s needs. They view their children, just like their partners, as an extension of them. The children are there to serve them and their needs,” making them easy to abandon when they fail to “provide.”
Here are the 5 ways narcissist parents justify financially and emotionally abandoning their kids — according to a relationship coach:
1. They victimize themselves
“It’s commonly known that narcissists lack empathy. They struggle to empathize with their children’s feelings or show actual genuine love. They don’t know how to express love in a consistent and unconditional way.”
In many cases, narcissistic parents will always find a way to seek pity, sympathy, or understanding from others — suggesting that they’re the ones being hurt or betrayed by the people around them. Even if they break a promise or deceive their children in some way, they’re the ones who should get positive attention and sympathy, even though it might be a complete lie.
2. They value their own needs, desires, and wants above all else
Not only are narcissistic parents often self-centered and completely selfish, but in many cases, they’re more worried about seeking admiration and attention than caring for their children. They’ll even put their children's needs aside to ensure their own are fully looked after — the opposite of what any great parent would do.
Sonni isn’t shy about suggesting that narcissists struggle to be great parents, adding that “someone who loves you” would never treat you this way.
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3. Instead of taking responsibility, they shift blame onto their children
Many narcissistic parents find ways to do less and less without bearing the burden of guilt or ever taking an ounce of responsibility. In some cases, this manifests as a lack of financial support.
“A narcissist will often not provide financial support for their children, thinking that they’re actually just punishing the other parent,” she added, referring to co-parenting with a narcissistic ex. “In that case, the children are just a tool for manipulation. They’re weaponizing their own children to harm their ex. Does that really sound like love to you?”
4. They live in a distorted reality where they’re doing ‘the right thing’
Narcissistic parents tend to live in a much different reality than the rest of the world. They often spend their time making excuses and shifting accountability to others in their life, but that's certainly not how they see it.
“They might think that they’re teaching their kids about self-reliance,” Sonni said, “or that their kids aren’t affected by their inconsistency or absence.”
Crafted from both self-deception and pure delusion, many studies suggest this “fantasy” world is how narcissists are able to continue their behavior in pursuit of admiration, love, success, money, or power — even if it’s clearly hurting the relationships in their lives.
5. Pure denial — they’ll lie to suggest they did nothing wrong
“They’ll just tell people that they didn’t abandon their children," Sonni explained. "They’ll tell people that they are paying child support. They won’t acknowledge that they’re causing their children any harm or pain.”
By completely rejecting other people’s experiences, feelings, and realities, they manipulate and gaslight people into thinking they’re doing nothing wrong. When you lie so much, sometimes you convince yourself of that, as well.
Unfortunately, this is the reality that many children face with their parents, leading to strained relationships, unjust parental expectations, and mental health struggles well into adulthood. Experts and social psychologists urge these children to set clear boundaries with their parents and educate themselves to be able to identify their toxic behavior.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.