Psychotherapist Reveals The 2 Main Reasons Adult Children Cut Off Their Parents
The reasons behind this difficult decision are surprisingly simple.
Biserka Stojanovic | Getty Images | Teona Swift | Pexels | Canva Pro Parent-child estrangements seem to be happening with such regularity nowadays that it's easy to feel like the adult children in question are doing so for the most frivolous reasons — a frequent accusation leveled at those who go no contact.
Ask nearly anyone who's cut off their parents, however, and they'll tell you it is an incredibly difficult, often devastating decision that is almost impossible to take lightly.
Estrangement is such a complicated process that it's not surprising it has sparked such cultural discourse. But while the issue is complicated, one therapist online says the core reasons for going no contact often aren't at all.
Psychotherapist Mathias Barker says there are two main reasons adult children go no contact with their parents.
Barker is a Nashville-based therapist, trauma expert, and co-founder, with psychiatrist Dr. Frank Anderson, of the Trauma Institute, dedicated to expanding understanding of trauma and trauma recovery and helping train therapists in these disciplines.
Suffice it to say, he knows what he's talking about when it comes to trauma and the parent-child estrangement that often arises from it. Like so many conflicts, the ones that spark estrangement are often not really about the event that causes the rift — much like how when spouses argue about doing the dishes, it's never really about the dishes.
fizkes | Shutterstock
In a recent since-deleted video, Barker explained that for all the complicated drama involved, when it comes to parent-child estrangement, the break often boils down to two very simple things.
1. The adult child feels like they can't pretend anymore
There are, of course, myriad conflicts that can fall under this umbrella, the most obvious being LGBTQIA+ people who feel that they cannot continue hiding their identity from their homophobic or transphobic parents. I have experienced this in my own life with a family member who cut ties with me because of it.
But there are, of course, multitudes of other reasons people are often forced to "pretend" with their family members, especially in our era of religious extremism and volatile politics that cause so much conflict in families.
Perhaps most common, though, are the elephants in the room — the family secrets and childhood trauma that many parents of adult children today are simply unwilling to even discuss.
This puts adult children in a place where, as Barker put it, "it's been a long time, it's been really frustrating, and they've been biting their tongue the whole life, and they're tired of it." Everyone has their breaking point, after all.
And crucially, when you simply aren't willing to be vulnerable and humble enough to hear your child out, you give your relationship with them nowhere to go. You push them into a corner where they are forced to choose between shutting themselves down to keep the peace, or walking away for their own well-being. For many people today, that choice is devastatingly clear.
2. They don't know how to manage the conflict without it stressing them out
Others, by contrast, are more willing to hang in and try to mend fences, but they find they are incapable of doing so without sparking conflicts that feel unmanageable due to their parents' volatility.
In another no longer available video, he described it as a sort of "death by a thousand paper cuts" — a sometimes lifelong series of events that add up over time to a situation that is simply no longer manageable.
"You get to this tipping point where it's like, I don't know how to be authentic without it starting a conflict, and I don't trust that the conflict can be resolved," Barker explained. "I don't trust that you're gonna see me or hear me. Cutting it off feels like the only option."
I have experienced this with a family member with whom, despite that everything I said and did sparked retaliation, I was committed to maintaining a relationship. That is until their years-long vitriol escalated to a place I never dreamed possible — threatening me with violence and challenging me to a physical fight because of a differing political opinion. About Sarah Palin, of all people.
That was the end for me. I have maintained that boundary with this relative for 15 years, both because it was such a spectacular breach of trust and because they have made reconciliation contingent upon never discussing it.
The bottom line: While it's easy to get the impression from social media that there's a "social contagion" involved in the skyrocketing incidence of parent-child estrangements these days, going no contact is not something nearly anyone does lightly. And all too often the antidote could not possibly be more simple: just being willing to be vulnerable and listen.
John Sundholm is a writer and social media personality who covers psychology, self-help, and human interest topics.