10 Phrases Adult Children Of Overbearing Parents Tend To Use Without Realizing It
Growing up, no matter what they did, they were doing it wrong. And now, it's impacted every part of their lives.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Those who grew up with overbearing and controlling parents often turn out to have vastly different personalities than those whose parents were more easygoing and nurturing. When they're constantly being monitored, sheltered, and offered unsolicited advice, they tend to carry the trauma it inflicted onto them well into adulthood.
When people were raised by overbearing parents, they may internalize certain coping mechanisms and beliefs that can appear in their everyday speech without them even being aware of it. The phrases adult children of overbearing parents tend to use without realizing it reflect the deep emotional patterns of guilt, the fear of conflict, and the people-pleasing they were left with during their difficult childhoods.
Here are 10 phrases adult children of overbearing parents tend to use without realizing it
1. 'I don't want to be a burden'
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If you had overbearing parents, it probably seemed like no matter what you did, you were doing it wrong. Asking to go outside and play was "too much" for them, and needing a ride to a friend's house was something they couldn't be bothered with.
When parents are stressed, frustrated and overwhelmed, they may inadvertently take it out on their children and make them feel as if their basic needs are too much to handle. This could make their kids feel like they were a constant nuisance, and they can carry that belief with them into adulthood.
They perceive even the most basic requests, like asking to hang out or asking to borrow a sweatshirt when it's cold, as a burden to others. As such, they may say "I don't want to be a burden," making it one of the phrases adult children of overbearing parents tend to use without realizing it.
2. 'It's fine, I'll handle it'
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Since overbearing parents often believe that no one except them can be trusted to handle their children, as adults, their kids may grow up with the same ideas. Instead of asking for help, they believe they are the only ones who are capable of handling things on their own.
When someone else offers them help and they say, "It's fine, I'll handle it," what they really mean is, "I don't trust you to help or to do it right." Research from the Journal of Clinical Psychology in Medical Settings shows that overbearing and overprotective parents often make for distressed children who transform into distressed adults, wary of everyone and everything.
Feeling like you cannot trust anyone but yourself can very well lead to a lonely adulthood. It's unfortunate, but it's a result of having parents who demanded way too much from their children.
3. 'I just don't want anyone to be mad at me'
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People who grew up with overbearing parents often carry a deep fear of upsetting others because they know all too well how quickly anger can lead to mistreatment or emotional fallout. If they dared to arrive home a few minutes after their curfew or wore skinny jeans to school, they were often met with the wrath of their parents — a medley of screaming, threats and unjust punishments.
They know that even the smallest mishaps can lead to harsh consequences. And according to experts from Neurobalance Therapy, children who grew up with parents who were often angry at them battle with intense feelings of anxiety. As adults, they may constantly feel the need to keep the peace to avoid angering others.
4. 'I probably misunderstood'
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Adult children of overbearing parents were likely constantly second-guessing themselves. As adults, they ask themselves, "Was my emotional reaction to this situation valid?" or "Did I do something wrong?" They ultimately revert back to blaming themselves since they were taught from an early age not to trust their instincts.
Their parents always believed that they knew better and attempted to take control of their children's emotions. Since they were raised to never question their parents' authority, they often carry that conditioning into adulthood. They are quick to assume that they must be mistaken, even if they are not.
5. 'I'm just being dramatic'
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"I'm just being dramatic" is one of the phrases adult children of overbearing parents tend to use without realizing it, and is a message these adults absorbed in their childhood when their feelings were swept under the rug. Since their parents often insisted that they knew better, they invalidated their children's emotions without realizing it.
"Parents may view feelings as something you choose to experience or label emotions as 'bad behavior' that must be fixed," psychologist Jonice Webb, PhD shared. "These parents may be aware of their invalidating nature yet may lack the knowledge to know this is inherently wrong. Thus, when children have emotions around these unattuned parents, they may learn that their feelings are wrong or bad, causing emotional neglect and emotional harm."
As adults, they may believe that they are being overdramatic about something that definitely warrants an emotional response.
6. 'I don't want to make things worse'
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Adult children who grew up with overbearing parents were made to believe they were being difficult just for asking for the bare minimum. If they were hurt and requested an ice pack or were feeling emotional and needed a hug, their parents may have told them, "Stop acting like that! You're only making things worse!"
They grew up constantly worrying about how their basic needs would affect those around them since their parents made them feel like they were being a nuisance, even if it meant ignoring their own boundaries.
For example, someone who grew up with overbearing parents may go out for a seafood dinner despite their severe shellfish allergy since that's what their friends want to do. They were taught to put themselves last to accommodate the comfort of others and, as such, may distance themselves from their parents in adulthood.
7. 'I don't want to seem selfish'
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To adult children who grew up with overbearing parents, focusing on their own needs is a foreign concept. It was "selfish" of them to want to go out on the weekends instead of spending time with family. They were labeled as "self-absorbed" for doing their homework instead of helping around the house.
Since they know all too well how people will react once they deem them as "selfish," they are constantly making sure that everyone else's needs are met while neglecting their own. They may frequently tell themselves that they're being selfish, even when they aren't.
8. 'I should be doing more'
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No matter what adult children did to impress their overbearing parents, it was never enough. Their parents often put a lot of emphasis toward all of the things they weren't doing. If they received a B on their math test, it should have been an A. If they emptied the dishwasher, they should have mopped the floors, too.
Children internalize this message of not being enough, always striving to do better while doing the best they can. According to connection and behavior management expert Kristina Campos, this may erode their self-worth as adults, and no matter what they do to achieve personal success, it is never good enough for them.
9. 'I guess I need to toughen up'
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Overbearing parents often perceive their children's sensitivity as weakness, making them feel as if they need to toughen up. Not only does this belittle them, it is also ineffective.
"The biggest problem with telling a child to toughen up is that it undermines true resilience, which is learned by experiencing adversity or uncomfortable feelings, processing why they occur, and learning new and more positive ways to reframe those situations," mental health professional Emily Kircher-Morris, LPC revealed.
Instead of getting in touch with their emotions and trying to understand why they feel a certain way, adult children with overbearing parents are accustomed to ignoring them and assuming that they just need to be indestructible since their feelings were often perceived as "wrong."
10. 'I'm bad at making decisions'
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As one of the phrases adult children of overbearing parents tend to use without realizing it, people who tell themselves "I'm bad at making decisions" is likely due to the fact that they weren't allowed to make any for themselves growing up.
These children grow up into adults who have a difficult time even making the most basic decisions. During their childhood, everything from their food, clothes, whereabouts and even specific interests were always determined for them, and autonomy was unheard of.
Now, they can't even decide what kind of dipping sauce they prefer for their chicken wings or what color tie they want to wear to work, and often rely on those around them to decide for them.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.
