Performance Review By Your Toddler
Hi, Mom. I have a few things to tell you about your recent performance.
UfaBizPhoto | DW2630 | Shutterstock Hello there, Mommy. I’ve been looking forward to this meeting for a while now. Overall, I’d like to say that you’ve been a great addition to the team so far. You’ve really been working your tail off. So, kudos to you.
Let’s start with specifics. You’re our star sandwich maker, bath-giver, and diaper changer. Furthermore, your ability to remember that I dislike seams on the insides of my socks is really outstanding.
You’ve been impressing our higher-ups too. You thought I was asleep when you were making out with Daddy, huh? Nope, I wasn’t. So I conclude that he’s just as blown away by your bathtime renditions of Baby Beluga as I am.
But there are, regrettably, some areas in which you could stand to improve. As could we all! Except me. Anyway, let’s get down to brass tacks.
First of all, your snack selections are a bit, how shall I put this … uninspired.
Goldfish crackers are not one of the food groups. You can’t just buy them in different flavors and call that snack time for the year.
I’ve noticed at playgroup that some other moms purchase fruit snacks, and bring actual fruit (sliced!), rice cakes, puffs, and cereal bars. So, I know the options exist. Do you?
Additionally, craft time has begun to be a bit haphazard. Last I checked, coloring was not considered a "craft" per se.
What about all those aisles in Michael’s that we jet past en route to the picture frame section? I have seen Popsicle sticks, yarn, pom poms, and a whole section devoted to fabric.
There are even some kits if you’re not feeling creative. Fairy mobile craft kit anyone? That was $4.99 in the reduced bin and you still said no. Makes me wonder if you even realize that the seeds of my creative mind are supposed to be sown by you. When I’m subpar in high school art class, don’t bother feigning confusion.
Your most egregious misstep, though, has been in the area of nap time.
I told you, I am DONE with napping twice a day. Yet, every day, you put me up in my crib for 20 minutes in the morning. And then I hear the shower turn on! I can’t help but assume that you’re continuing the farce of my morning nap just so that you can shower in the morning without setting your alarm for before I wake up (at 5:30 a.m.).
I haven’t wanted to embarrass you so I haven’t brought it up earlier, but how long is this going to go on? I haven’t slept before 1 p.m. for three months. Soon I’ll have the language skills to tell Grandma about this.
Anyway, I’m hoping that you take some of these comments to heart. We wouldn’t want to lose the only person who knows that my socks need to be put on inside out. But we also can’t tolerate phoning it in.
Get back some of that get-up-and-go from your nesting phase. Yes, I did observe you as a third-trimester fetus. No, you shouldn’t be surprised. I see everything.
Well, that’s all for today! What was that? Oh, bonus amounts haven’t been decided yet. It’s possible they’ll be decided after snack time today. Remember, real fruit. Sliced.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.